Can you improve your conversation skills?

Certainly.

It might take a while to change the conversation habits that’s been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.

To not make this article longer than necessary let’s just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations and a couple of solutions. 

And if you want more in-depth training then join us in my 12-week, step-by-step Smart Social Skills Course where I share the very best things I have learned in the past 8 years about improving social skills and relationship habits.

1. Not listening.

Ernest Hemingway once said:

“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”

Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold.

Stop being lazy in a conversation and learn to really listen to what people actually are saying. When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation.

But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information.

If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:

• Where did you go fishing?
• What do you like most about fishing?
• What did you do there besides fishing?

The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.

If they say something like: “Oh, I don’t know” at first, don’t give up.

Prod a little further. Ask again.

They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because it’s not on auto-pilot anymore.

2. Asking too many questions.

If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you don’t have that much too contribute.

One alternative is to mix questions with statements.

Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:

“Yeah, it’s great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf.”

Or you can say:

“Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.”

And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.

3. Tightening up.

When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous or worried not knowing exactly why.

Here’s three things you can do in such a situation:

Be on top of what’s happening out there.

Leil Lowndes once said: “Never leave home without reading the newspaper”. If you’re running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news.

It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost.

Use your surroundings.

Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume or the host’s mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings.

Assume rapport.

If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport.

What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends.

Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this you’ll go into a positive emotional state.

And you’ll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude.

Because that’s how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple.

But it really works.

4. Poor delivery.

One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it.

A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:

• Slowing down. When you get excited about something it’s easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them.
• Speaking up. Don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you.
• Speaking clearly. Don’t mumble.
• Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice.
• Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation.
• Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.

5. Hogging the spot-light.

I’ve been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember. :)

Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Don’t interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself.

Don’t hijack their story about skiing before it’s finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.

6. Having to be right.

Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion.

It’s a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you “win” every conversation.

Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.

7. Talking about a weird or negative topic.

If you’re at a party or somewhere where you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics.

Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from.

You might also want to save religion, money and politics for conversations with your friends.

8. Being boring.

Don’t prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people.

Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.

One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff.

Don’t start to whine about your boss or your job, people don’t want to hear that.

Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you were buying clothes, your plans for New Year’s Eve, your new blog or podcast project or something funny or exciting.

Another way is just to be genuinely interested.

As Dale Carnegie said:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favorite subject is a nice quality.

Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic.

Topics may include work, favorite rock-band, TV-show and more work.

Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease.

As you’ve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.

9. Not reciprocating.

Open up and say what you think, share how you feel.

If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Don’t just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences.

If someone is investing in the conversation they’d like you to invest too. Like in so many areas in life, you can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move.

When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements.

It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.

10. Not contributing much.

You might feel that you don’t have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway.

Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.

Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about.

Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.

Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.

But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel confused and overwhelmed and start to doubt yourself.

Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it.

Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.

There is no specific advice on how to use your body language.

What you do might be interpreted in several ways, depending on the setting and who you are talking to. You’ll probably want to use your body language differently when talking to your boss compared to when you talk to a girl/guy you’re interested in.

These are some common interpretations of body language and often more effective ways to communicate with your body.

First, to change your body language you must be aware of your body language. Notice how you sit, how you stand, how you use you hands and legs, what you do while talking to someone.

You might want to practice in front of a mirror. Yeah, it might seem silly but no one is watching you. This will give you good feedback on how you look to other people and give you an opportunity to practise a bit before going out into the world.

Another tip is to close your eyes and visualize how you would stand and sit to feel confident, open and relaxed or whatever you want to communicate. See yourself move like that version of yourself. Then try it out.

You might also want observe friends, role models, movie stars or other people you think has good body language. Observe what they do and you don’t. Take bits and pieces you like from different people. Try using what you can learn from them.

Some of these tips might seem like you are faking something. But fake it til you make it is a useful way to learn something new. And remember, feelings work backwards too.

If you smile a bit more you will feel happier. If you sit up straight you will feel more energetic and in control. If you slow down your movements you’ll feel calmer. Your feelings will actually reinforce your new behaviors and feelings of weirdness will dissipate.

In the beginning easy it’s to exaggerate your body language. You might sit with your legs almost ridiculously far apart or sit up straight in a tense pose all the time. That’s OK.

And people aren’t looking as much as you think, they are worrying about their own problems. Just play around a bit, practice and monitor yourself to find a comfortable balance.

1. Don’t cross your arms or legs.

You have probably already heard you shouldn’t cross your arms as it might make you seem defensive or guarded. This goes for your legs too. Keep your arms and legs open.

2. Have eye contact, but don’t stare.

If there are several people you are talking to, give them all some eye contact to create a better connection and see if they are listening.

Keeping too much eye-contact might creep people out. Giving no eye-contact might make you seem insecure. If you are not used to keeping eye-contact it might feel a little hard or scary in the beginning but keep working on it and you’ll get used to it.

3. Don’t be afraid to take up some space.

Taking up space by for example sitting or standing with your legs apart a bit signals self-confidence and that you are comfortable in your own skin.

4. Relax your shoulders. 

When you feel tense it’s easily winds up as tension in your shoulders. They might move up and forward a bit. Try to relax. Try to loosen up by shaking the shoulders a bit and move them back slightly.

5. Nod when they are talking.

Nod once in a while to signal that you are listening. But don’t overdo it and peck like Woody Woodpecker.

6. Don’t slouch, sit up straight.

But in a relaxed way, not in a too tense manner.

7. Lean, but not too much.

If you want to show that you are interested in what someone is saying, lean toward the person talking. If you want to show that you’re confident in yourself and relaxed lean back a bit.

But don’t lean in too much or you might seem needy and desperate for some approval. Or lean back too much or you might seem arrogant and distant.

8. Smile and laugh.

Lighten up, don’t take yourself too seriously. Relax a bit, smile and laugh when someone says something funny. People will be a lot more inclined to listen to you if you seem to be a positive person.

But don’t be the first to laugh at your own jokes, it makes you seem nervous and needy. Smile when you are introduced to someone but don’t keep a smile plastered on your face, you’ll seem insincere.

9. Don’t touch your face.

It might make you seem nervous and can be distracting for the listeners or the people in the conversation.

10. Keep your head up.

Don’t keep your eyes on the ground, it might make you seem insecure and a bit lost. Keep your head up straight and your eyes towards the horizon.

11. Slow down a bit.

This goes for many things. Walking slower not only makes you seem more calm and confident, it will also make you feel less stressed.

If someone addresses you, don’t snap your neck in their direction, turn it a bit more slowly instead.

12. Don’t fidget.

And try to avoid, phase out or transform fidgety movement and nervous ticks such as shaking your leg or tapping your fingers against the table rapidly. You’ll seem worried or nervous and fidgeting can be a distracting when you try to get something across.

Declutter your movements if you are all over the place. Try to relax, slow down and focus your movements.

13. Use your hands more confidently.

Instead of fidgeting with your hands and scratching your face use them to communicate what you are trying to say. Use your hands to describe something or to add weight to a point you are trying to make.

But don’t use them to much or it might become distracting. And don’t let your hands flail around, use them with some control.

14. Lower your drink.

Don’t hold your drink in front of your chest. In fact, don’t hold anything in front of your heart as it will make you seem guarded and distant. Lower it and hold it beside your leg instead.

15. Realize where you spine ends.

Many people (including me until recently) might sit or stand with a straight back in a good posture. However, they might think that the spine ends where the neck begins and therefore crane the neck forward in a Montgomery Burns-pose.

Your spine ends in the back of your head. Keep you whole spine straight and aligned for better posture.

16. Don’t stand too close.

One of the things we learned from Seinfeld is that everybody gets weirded out by a close-talker. Let people have their personal space, don’t invade it.

17. Mirror.

Often when you get along with a person, when the two of you get a good connection, you will start to mirror each other unconsciously. That means that you mirror the other person’s body language a bit.

To make the connection better you can try a bit of proactive mirroring. If he leans forward, you might lean forward. If she holds her hands on her thighs, you might do the same.

But don’t react instantly and don’t mirror every change in body language. Then weirdness will ensue. :)

18. Keep a good attitude.

Last but not least, keep a positive, open and relaxed attitude. How you feel will come through in your body language and can make a major difference.

You can change your body language but as all new habits it takes a while. Especially things like keeping you head up might take time to correct if you have spent thousands of days looking at your feet.

And if you try and change to many things at once it might become confusing and feel overwhelming.

Take a couple of these body language bits to work on every day for three to four weeks. By then they should have developed into new habits and something you’ll do without even thinking about it.

If not, keep on until it sticks. Then take another couple of things you’d like to change and work on them.

Want more inspiration for a positive and helpful attitude in your day to day life? Then have a look at this post with Monday blessings and this one with many Thursday blessings to keep your focus on the bright side of life.

Another morning. The sun is barely up, you drag yourself from the bed to the shower to the closet. You sit down at the breakfast table, you eat some toast, drink some coffee, read your morning paper.

It’s not always fun waking up. You feel tired and lousy and the snooze-button sure seems tempting. What can you do?

Well, here are a couple of ways to improve your mornings. You are most likely already incorporating one or a few of them into your morning routine. In that case, take the others out for a spin. Maybe you’ll find something that really makes a difference.

Ask your morning questions.

I really like this one and first heard about it from Tony Robbins (on Personal Power II). Here’s what you do; every morning ask yourself five empowering three-part questions in this way:

What am I ______ about in my life right now?

What about it makes me _______?

How does it make me feel?

Put in your own value in the blank space. For instance, a couple of my questions are: What am I happy about in my life right now? What am I excited about in my life right now?

It’s important that you really feel how it makes you feel. When I think about the last part about what makes me happy right now I really feel it. These morning questions are great because

a) the way they are set up makes you recognize things you take for granted
b) and then they really get you to feel those positive feelings.

And they work in the afternoon or evening or whenever you need them too.

Start your day by not reading the newspaper

Instead, while having your breakfast:

Listen to a personal development-cd or read a couple of pages about self-improvement.
Pull out your dvds and watch an episode of your favourite sit-com.
Read some of your favourite fiction.
Listen to a couple of your favourite songs.

Get a positive start on your day.

Don’t let the news get you down as soon as you are out of bed. At the moment my breakfasts are accompanied by this excellent time-lag video and a bunch of other stuff.

Actually eat breakfast.

It’s the most important meal of the day. You have heard a million times before from your teachers and your mom. It’s easy to associate a good breakfast to a slightly nagging feeling from your childhood. Don’t let that drag your day down. Time to refocus.

Some of the advantages of eating breakfast:

You stop being hungry and your mood and energy most likely improves.
It might make you slimmer.
It will refuel your brain and improve your concentration.

You might not feel like eating breakfast, maybe you aren’t that hungry in the morning. But you might also feel tired and fatigued a few hours later. Know yourself and plan ahead. If you think you can get by without a breakfast just try to eat a good one anyways for week. Maybe it will make you feel even better and more energetic?

But eating a nutritious breakfast doesn’t have to mean eating bark and gravel in a bowl with a bit of milk on top. Your body might like it but you probably won’t be in a good mood. Find a balance and eat something both healthy and tasty.

Think the night before

Pack your bag for school or work. Sort all the papers you need for the morning meeting, presentation or class and make sure they’re in the bag. Doing all these small things the night before reduces stress in the morning and gives you better results (meaning: you won’t forget that one important thing while running around in the morning with coffee cup and the toothbrush trying to get organized).

Make it a small 5 minute habit in the evenings and your mornings will feel a lot easier.

Create a flow

This one might not apply to everyone. But if you are a student like me, it’s easy to not get your day started at all (or it might take a few hours). Maybe you don’t have any classes some days or you might not find some of them all that useful. I find it good to create a flow early each day so you don’t waste it all away.

To get started I use the all the things above. And even if you don’t have anything to pack it can be good to use 5 minutes each evening to go through what you could, should or must do the next day. You could write it down using pen and paper for different lists. I did that for a while. I wrote down a new list every evening on what I should do the next day and once a week I revised another list of more long-term tasks and goals.

It quickly became too much paper. And when I couldn’t get at quick and easy overview I started to procrastinate or forget stuff I really had to do.

Now I use My Life Organized instead. So far it’s a whole lot better.

Almost everyone is held down by what some call the silent killer. Procrastination strikes everywhere. We all want to avoid the pain or discomfort of doing something we feel is boring, stupid, pointless, hard, complicated, risky, possibly really emotionally painful and so on.

But even though we know that we will have to do it eventually and that we’re just deluding ourselves we still put it of. Often with reasons we know deep down are weak and we really just made up. We get stuck in a vicious circle of doing too little of both what we want and what we don’t want. We get stuck. Here are 7 ways to squash procrastination and move forward.

1. Recognize that there is more pain in procrastinating than not.

If you have procrastinated a lot (like me) you might have discovered that:

You procrastinate to avoid doing something that is boring, hard or something like that. You want to avoid that pain.

But after having some experience with procrastination you’ll probably realize that procrastination itself causes your more pain than actually just doing what you were supposed to. Realizing the true amount of pain in the two choices will make it easier to get things done.

2. Force yourself to do it before you really absolutely have do.

And your self-esteem will go up. And the next time you feel like procrastinating remember that you forced yourself, but that you felt better when it was done. There was a nice reward when you were done. Whenever you feel like procrastinating remember this to get you to start moving forward.

3. Create a flow.

Instead of doing nothing, begin with doing something. Clean your desk, take out the garbage, wash the dishes. Just stack a couple of simple actions to create a flow, a momentum. When you’re in the flow, in that forward motion, getting started with what you have to do will be much easier. Also, cleaning up can get you too feel more motivated. A messy work-environment seems to often reinforce procrastination.

4. Get some leverage.

Sometimes we procrastinate on things that aren’t just dull tasks in the office or school. Maybe you are stuck, not able to take the next step fearing some deep personal pain. If you are thinking about changing jobs or career or taking a next step in a relationship you are probably focusing on what could go wrong. Instead, get some leverage to both push and pull yourself forward.

How to: Take a pen and a piece of paper. Write down as many things as you can come up with that you will miss out on, not just now but the next few years if you don’t take this step now. Really dig down into yourself and feel that pain that you will feel not just tomorrow but in a year and the next five or ten years.

Then write down all positive and wonderful things you will experience if you take this decision and move forward to where you want to go. Think about them and write down all those things you will experience and feel, not just in the next few days but in one year, in two, in five years or ten. Get the stick and the carrot to work for you. And put the problem in a longer time perspective to really give it an emotional punch.

5. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time…

Don’t look at everything you have to do. One of the common sources of procrastination is feeling overwhelmed. Break it down into smaller tasks. Write them down as a list on a piece of paper. Focus on just getting that one small task or part of the big thing done. Then move on to the next. Take it one step at a time and don’t think about the rest. Before you know it you’ll be half way there.

6. Change your beliefs.

The problems that repeatedly put you into a procrastinating state might disappear if you change your view on reality. Examine your beliefs. Ask yourself if you could see things in a more beneficial and effective way for yourself.

Realize you can choose you beliefs about yourself and the world. The past is not the future. You don’t have to hang to limiting beliefs based on past experiences if you don’t want to. You are here right now and you choose and can change your habits.

7. Make a small deal with yourself.

Here is an effective one I first heard from Ed Bliss (well, actually now that I think about it I probably first heard it from a teacher back in school about ten years ago. It kinda rings a bell).

Here’s how you go about it: Promise yourself that you’ll work on something for just 5 minutes. After those 5 minutes you can do something else if you want to. But make a note on your schedule when you will come back to the task and work another 5 minutes with it. As Bliss notes, not matter how unpleasant a task may be, you can often talk yourself into working 5 minutes on it.

I’ve found this one to be effective to make a dent in those tasks you have put of for a longer while. After you’re done with those first 5 minutes the next 5 minutes will feel a little easier. And after that the next 5 minutes will feel even easier. Or maybe you raise the bar to 10 minutes of work. Getting some actual work done on that task, if only for 5 minutes, gives you a rush of exhilaration. Making a game out of how much work you can get done in those 5 minutes can also be a small but in its own way fun challenge.

Being able to manage and change your feelings is one of the most important things in personal development.

You might have all the logical and rational reasons in the world to do something, but then your emotions can just sweep in and pull everything to a grinding halt. Having your feelings for work you instead of against you can have a massive effect on your life.

There are many ways to change how you feel. Here are 10 ways that don’t include chocolate, pain or alcohol and that actually work.

All of them might not work right away, it’s a bit like learning to ride a bike. You don’t learn it by reading about it and the first times you try you might fall. But remember when you were a kid learning to ride a bike. You just got up of the ground, brushed yourself of and got on that bike again and again and again.

1. Relax.

This one is easy but just remembering that you can relax when you feel all tensed up can work wonders. You might realise that much of that tension was something you just built up in your own mind.

In “A guide to the the Huna way – mastering your hidden self” King Serge Kahili writes this about effort and relaxation:

“When people are trying to change a habit of thought or behaviour, they often complain that it takes too much effort. Others may criticize them for not having a strong enough will. What actually happens is that such people are trying to force a habit to change by using their muscles against it, and this is true whether the habit is physical or mental.

This kind of forceful attempt creates tension that locks up the body’s energy and makes people feel worn out. They end up literally fighting themselves, which is rarely effective. All you really have to do is make your decision by your will, relax your muscles, and direct your attention in the way you want to go, until the new habit is established. If you ever feel that using your will is an effort relax and Start over.”

2. Ask different questions.

We are always asking ourselves questions, but they might be questions that aren’t really that good. Instead of asking yourself: “why must I do this?”, ask yourself “how can I make this more fun for me?” or “how can this help me?”. Don’t ask yourself “will I be able to do this?”, instead ask “how will I do this?”.

Ask better questions that empowers you.

Questions that presupposes that you have the power over your own life.

Questions that directs your focus to solutions and opens your mind to new possibilities instead of questions that just makes you feel trapped and lousy.

3. Smile.

Smiling gives you a boost of happiness. Try forcing yourself to smile for thirty seconds right now. The great feelings that make you smile works in reverse too. By making yourself smile, no matter how you feel, your body will start releasing all those wonderful chemicals that makes you feel happy. Try it right now and feel the difference.

4. Appreciate things.

This is one of the most simple and effective ways to just feel so much better. Just look around yourself. Appreciate the good food you’re eating, the hot woman or man walking past you, the kids playing and just having fun in the mud puddles, all the possibilities in your life, all the great things about your friends and your family, the birds singing. Ok, so perhaps it sounds a bit corny.

But it really works. And it’s great to try to change your mindset to one where you appreciate the things in your everyday life instead of taking them for granted.

5. Interrupt your thought pattern.

You might be feeling down or you are procrastinating. Maybe nothing is working out for you today. You just want to go home and go to bed. Here’s where you might want to interrupt your thought pattern. And you do that simply by doing something unexpected and totally different from what you are doing now.

Some suggestions; take a glass of water, throw it in own your face. Or jump up and down ten times singing the chorus from “We are the champions” by Queen at the top of you lungs. Or imagine your negative inner voice sounding like Goofy. Do something that totally breaks your thought pattern. Something humours is nice because it’s often the opposite to a depressed or anxious state that you would like to break out of. And laughter and smiles breaks tension too.

When you have done that you might not be able to able to find your way back to that previous train of thought. Much like when you have a conversation, someone comes up to you and asks a question and then when you turn around again back to you friend you can’t remember what the two of you were talking about. You feel confused and your state has changed. Make up five things to do that really breaks your pattern and try them out. You may also want to try and find a couple that you can do among other people too without being labelled as crazy.

6. Use an external stateboost.

On one of his audiotapes Tony Robbins mentions that before one of his guest-speakers or coaches goes up on stage they watch videos with Eddie Murphy. It puts them in a great state before performing. As you might have guessed, that tape wasn’t recorded this year or even this century. Eddie’s been in a slump for a while.

This is a great idea and you probably already using it to some degree. Anyways, here are some suggestions. Change and boost your emotional state with some of your favourite music, maybe a couple of YouTube-clips, an episode of the Simpsons (or your favourite sitcom), personal development-cds, – books or websites. Or perhaps Eddie Murphy’s “Delirious” or “Raw”. That’s some side-splittingly funny stand-up.

7. Eat. But not too much. Or too little.

If you feel tired and frustrated maybe you just need to eat to get your energy back and your blood sugar up to a more healthy level. But don’t eat too much or you’ll feel tired and lazy.

Don’t eat to little either or pretty soon you’ll feel just as bad as you did before you ate. Also, it you’re sitting most of the day, take it a bit easy on the carbs and the size of your portions. You may have been raised to eat large and healthy meals, but maybe your father and mother had more physical jobs.

8. Create a physical anchor.

Ok, this one might take a while but it seems to work for many people. Basically you stand up, close your eyes and imagine an emotional state that you want to able to snap into on command. As an example I imagined a time when I felt really powerful and confident. I stood, I breathed and I moved the way I did that one time. Then while I was back in that state both physically and mentally I snapped the fingers of my right hand. Over and over. Over and over and over again. The theory is that you link up that emotion with the physical act of snapping your fingers.

Did it work? Yeah, actually it kinda does. When I snap my fingers I get an emotional boost and go into that state again. However, the effect is not 100%. It doesn’t feel as good as it did that one time. But it’s my first anchor and by practicing more, I think especially by trying to visualize and feel that state even more intensely, the anchors are likely to become more and more accurate.

Anchoring is based on Ivan Pavlov and his experiments with dogs and bells but has been developed by people in the field of NLP (neurolinguistic programming).

9. Open yourself up to other possibilities that are more beneficial to you.

Have some faith that the way you view work, relationships, money, exercise, life and those other things are not the only way to see them. Having the feeling that you are right about something and “know how things work” can feel really good. It’s instant gratification and gives you security and comfort.

But it also limits you by closing your mind to other avenues of thought and personal development. Seek out a couple of experts’ advice in the area that you are having problems with. Use google and amazon, just dive in to the subject for a while to get a basic understanding. Most likely there are things you can do both to remedy the problem and to change you perspective on this trouble area. There are often more solutions than one or two to a problem.

10. Recall your positive experiences and memories.

It’s easy to be overcome by negative internal chatter. “I can’t do this, what if they think I’m incompetent, God I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna fail and this why did I take this shirt, it’s so ugly. And so on.

When preparing for a meeting, a job interview, a presentation, asking someone for a date or anything that makes you really nervous recall your positive memories from similar experiences. Think back to when you were funny and charming in the bar. Remember the times when you were confident and relaxed during previous meetings and interviews. Let a few of your best memories wash over you. Let them drown out your negative thoughts.

This will make you remember the positive and wonderful sides of yourself. The qualities and your inner possibilities that are always there but we often forget about them when we get caught up in a cloud of negative thoughts and feelings. Focusing on these positive experiences instead of those negative ones that always seem to be closer at hand can make a big difference.

Learning to direct you feelings more and more have implications beyond feeling better. By feeling better you will more constantly start to see the world in another way and you will start to see other, more beneficial options. And your feelings will start to work for you instead of stopping you when you want to take action.

And try to use these suggestions from the perspective of yourself when you were a kid trying to learn to ride that bike. If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself of and try again.