After over 20 articles with inspirational quotes I thought I’d mix it up a bit and focus each of the upcoming posts on more specific areas.

First up, one of the most important areas for pretty much everyone: people skills.

I hope you can get a bit of wisdom and inspiration out of these quotes and from the people who have walked before us.

Arguing with a fool proves there are two.
Doris M. Smith

The less you speak, the more you will hear.
Alexander Solshenitsen

One way to kick a bad habit is to remove the easy availability.

Here’s an example. Since I’ve started blogging I’ve been checking up on the statistics of my readers and earnings several times a day.

Many bloggers/webmasters fall into this habit. We all hope that our readership/earnings will increase so we watch our all of our statistics many times each day.

This interrupts our workflow, wastes time and creates a habit of being disappointed. Your website may be growing, but it’s most often a slow process. So checking too often mostly just means that you’ll be disappointed. This will lead to doubts and possibly even giving up.

So what did I do? I simply deleted the bookmarks to my statistics.

You can do this with any bookmarks or shortcuts that have created an addiction for you. Maybe your addiction is to a forum, maybe it’s to a frequently updated blog, maybe it’s to a computer game.

Now, if you want to visit the sites you have to have google it or type in the address manually. If you want to play then you have to go into the folder where the game is installed.

This has saved me time and reduced negative energy. Since it’s become a bit harder to access my statistics I check them much less, only once or twice a day. I have done the same thing to my RSS-reader. To access it now I google it and only quickly browse it once in the morning and maybe once at night instead of checking it something like eight times a day.

You can also expand this beyond your computer.

If you have a bad habit of eating too much sugar then don’t have cookies and candy at home. I recommend having something to snack on though. I always keep some oranges and carrots in my apartment. When I feel the craving for candy, but find none in my kitchen then I eat an orange instead. Doing this will over time replace one habit with a more useful one and probably make you lose some weight too.

Easy availability is one of the big reasons for developing stupid and unnecessary habits. Take an example like McDonalds. They are everywhere. It’s so easy to just go in there and have a meal. The high availability increases the usage. Reducing the availability redirects you to take another, hopefully more useful path.

This can also be used to your advantage in another way. If you want to establish a habit of writing down your goals each morning then, before you go to bed, put out the pen and paper where it’s most visible at your desk. If you want to establish a habit of working out then leave your training clothes out on a very visible place in your room/apartment/house instead of having them tucked deeply into your closet.

This tip is almost stupidly simple. But, when used, it works surprisingly well.

One common mistake in conversations of any kind is to turn your focus the wrong way.

You (and I) may often focus too much on ourselves while at a party, at work, at school, online or in just about any setting instead of shifting your focus outward, toward the person we are talking with.

Why do we do that?

Please look at me and listen to me

Well, one big reason I can come up with is a need for validation and approval. We want to be validated by people around us so we can feel good about ourselves and our interests. However, it can be hard to get that validation. Especially if you become needy and really want it so you prattle on about you and your life even though the person you are talking to may not be listening that attentively anymore. Which leads you down a downward spiral where your need for validation becomes bigger and bigger.

How do you shift out of that “look at me and please validate me” mentality?

Basically one idea is to give up or at least reduce the need for approval. How? By giving up the need for both negative and positive approval. The two are connected because when if you no longer crave positive cheers and approval from people then you will no longer have fears of not getting that approval either.

When you really start to give it up – which might have to be done over time and with patience as your ego probably will want to snap back to seeking that sweet, sweet approval – you start to realise that neither of them are that important. They are really only as important as you decide they are. You are what you think you are and the world is what you think it is. And if you like, you can start to validate yourself instead of seeking such things from others.

As we grow up we learn – through what may be called social programming or social conditioning – that to gain validation, appreciation etc. from others we can try to impress them. But frankly, I don’t think that it that works that well to try and consciously impress someone. When you do that you are seeking a reaction and you will come across as needy rather than impressive, interesting or cool.

However, if you talk about your passions and interests just because you like them so much, without thinking about wanting a positive reaction out of someone, then that is a better approach. It lets people see that you have things in your life you care about and, well, people seems to kinda like people with passions.

Shifting the spotlight

When you start to care less about what other people may think and say about you you’ll gain freedom inside your mind to actually take the focus off yourself and develop a genuine interest for what the other guy/girl is saying.

I believe that if don’t decrease your need for attention and validation then it will be hard to actually be genuinely interested in other people you meet.

Of course, you are not alone in focusing on yourself. People’s favourite subject is often themselves. But if you can shift your attention outward, then here lies a strong power and possibility. If you focus on the one(s) you are talking to then you’ll be an exciting exception.

Much has been written about shifting the focus to the other person. Dale Carnegie, for instance, found this great benefit of doing just that:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

Make it relatable

In a conversation focus on what the other person is interested in. Ask question, listen – actually listen to what they are saying, don’t just wait for your turn to talk (another skill that might take some time to develop) – and make a mental note of topics they bring up and seem interested in and then use those topics to continue the conversation.

When you bring up a topic that the other person isn’t not that interested in, then try to talk about it in a way that lets them relate the topic to their lives. By that I mean you can take your interest and talk about in a way that connects to anyone’s life instead of going on about it in way that the other person will have a hard time relating to.

If you, for example, are a banker then you may not want to talk too much about your new computer system or your day to day routine. Instead, you can for instance talk about how the changes in economy will affect a regular person and what he/she can do to get a positive result out of those changes.

Make the topic interesting by making it relatable to the person you are talking to. Or drop the subject reasonably quick.

Reinforcing the connection

Another thing you can use to reinforce the connection and put the focus on the other person is to use their name. Also try to use words like you, me and I – or possibly even we and us – instead of indefinite, wishy-washy constructs like “one might”. This makes the conversation more personal and direct. Don’t overdo it though or they might start to be reminded of overly personal and phoney salesmen that they’ve encountered.

You can reinforce that you are actually listening by later reconnecting with what the two of you were talking about. An example where you do just that in a later conversation with a third person: “That’s kinda like the thing you told me earlier about your job at the cruiser last summer”.

Try to empathize by using full sentences “that must hard/fun for you“ instead of just using umms, oks and ahs. This can lead to a more active conversation and it kinda just feels better for however is talking. Also, you may want to be a bit careful with offering solutions if someone has a problem. Sometimes they just want to talk and receive empathy.

All of this does – most of the time – not lead to hours and hours of you listening, empathizing and asking questions. The need to reciprocate is strong and if you show a genuine interest in people they’ll soon start to return that interest. And the conversation becomes more balanced and interesting. But to still keep much of your focus outward in conversations also has added benefits that you may already have read about them in How to Make a Great First Impression. If not, here’s what I wrote then:

“The problem with an inward-focused meeting – where you focus on what you just said, how you look and what the other person thinks of you right now – can reduce anyone to a bumbling, second-guessing, fidgeting shadow of their former self as the self-consciousness becomes almost paralyzing.”

Focusing outward is maybe a bit counter-intuitive. Reasonably you should try to focus the attention of everyone towards you to win respect, influence, friends and to find a lot of joy in communicating. But to instead focus outward, toward the one you are talking to, is a more useful way to gain and experience such benefits and to have great conversations.

A few days ago I stumbled upon a great little story.

Who wrote it?

No-one – at least reachable by Google – really seems to know. Update: It was written by Heinrich Ball. And there does seem to exist a few variations of it. Maybe you have heard it before.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and that you take a couple of minutes to reflect upon where you are going in life.

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

“How long it took you to catch them?” The American asked.

“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.

“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.

“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”

“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then, senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions, senor? Then what?”

The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”

Like everyone else I’ve spent some time thinking about why some people are so successful in life. And what factors in success that are under more personal control than others.

Successful people might be intelligent. Or have had a socially well connected upbringings. Or be naturally energetic and open and positive.

But a lot of the factors that make some people more successful at almost anything in life are very much under their control. And much can be improved in anyone’s life by learning from the people that have gone before us.

Here are some of the thoughts on success that I’ve come up with from reading/watching documentaries throughout the years about people such as Michael Jordan, Thomas Edison, Eleanor Roosevelt and Henry Ford. The following factors of success are just a few and I’m quite sure there are a lot more.

1. They make decisions and take action.

Right or wrong action, they take it. Either way it’s always better than making no decisions and taking no action at all. As Franklin Roosevelt said:

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.”

2. They do things even when they don’t feel like it.

I think this is a pretty huge factor. A lot of us back down when we don’t want to do something, even though it may eventually bring us to a wonderful experience or goal. Successful people may not always like doing some of the things they have to do. But they do them anyway. And in the longer run that makes all the difference.

3. They do the most productive thing right now.

Instead of trapping themselves in doing productive but not so important tasks or projects they realize what’s most important and do that. And after they’re done with that they do what’s most important again. Instead of just doing a lot of things, they think and plan before they act and try to focus as much as possible of their thoughts and actions on those few very important things.

4. They do one thing at a time.

Many of them don’t seem to multi-task. Some reasons for avoiding that may be that it creates internal confusion, wastes time and spreads the multi-tasker too thinly. Instead, they do one thing and focus on that until it is done. Then they do the next thing until it is done. Focusing 100% on one task at a time will get it done quicker and better.

5. They have a positive attitude.

A negative attitude can be very damaging and limiting to one’s life. A positive one can open new doors every day. It can open your mind to new ideas and input and create or sustain great relationships. It helps you through the hard times as a successful person often sees an opportunity within what others would merely see as a problem.

6. They have redefined failure.

While a lot of people see failure as a way to rationalizing the feeling of wanting to giving up or as a sign that it’s actually time to do something else successful people tend to see it more as useful feedback. They may not like to fail, but they don’t fear it – or at least they have little fear of it – and they know that if they fail they’ve been there before and they can start over again and succeed. This is of course a very useful belief and keeps successful people going while the rest have already given up.

7. They don’t let fear hold them back.

They overcome fear and slay that dragon whenever they face it. Or they may have defined or redefined reality so that fear is substantially decreased or even gone in some areas of their life.

Doing this enables you to take action on your thoughts. This pulls down the barriers in the mind and create new roads and opens up to whole new possibilities.

8. They have found a purpose in life

They are internally driven rather than externally driven. They do what they have a burning desire to do rather than conforming to what others think they should do. Even if what the others think may be positive and successful stuff.

The Michael Jordans, the Edisons and the Stephen Kings have figured out what they want to do in life and are doing it (or did it).

The purpose, I think, is largely why they can keep on going and be motivated while others may tire or just go and do something else that they find more purposeful. The successes love their purpose and when they aligned with it then it seems to push them forward with enthusiasm and energy through life.

9. They don’t get distracted.

When others get too caught up in everyday life to do what they really want to do the successes don’t. They can really focus on actually doing what’s important and what needs to be done. Again, this seems to go back to having a purpose and more clear sense of direction in life.

10. They value their time highly and plan it out well.

A lot of people don’t value their time that much. Successful people have a purpose in life and therefore they do. They have so much they want and an inner urge to do it and therefore need to plan well to use their days effectively.

11. They’ve got awesome communication-skills.

So very much of what we do in life has to do with other people. So it seems quite obvious that to be successful you’ll probably have to have good or great communication-skills (or hire someone that has such skills).

People skills is fortunately something anyone can improve and develop. Have a look at Do You Do these 10 Mistakes in a Conversation.

12, They have an open mind and are willing to learn.

Successful people take the time to study and learn – and often seem to really like doing it – what is necessary to improve their skills. They are open to thoughts, suggestions, solutions, new information and change rather than thinking they already know everything, that there is not much more to learn and that everything should be as it has always been.

What to focus on?

Now, what factors are the most important ones, where should one focus the energy? I am currently focusing on improving my ability to take action, doing what I may not feel like doing and doing the most productive thing right now. To me it seems like these three factors are very important and since they are pretty interconnected they are easy to combine.

I think what you should focus on varies a lot. And it’s up to everyone to figure that out for themselves. But if you’re anything like me you probably already know what areas you need to work on.