A few days ago I stumbled upon a great little story.

Who wrote it?

No-one – at least reachable by Google – really seems to know. Update: It was written by Heinrich Ball. And there does seem to exist a few variations of it. Maybe you have heard it before.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and that you take a couple of minutes to reflect upon where you are going in life.

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

“How long it took you to catch them?” The American asked.

“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.

“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.

“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”

“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then, senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions, senor? Then what?”

The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”

Like everyone else I’ve spent some time thinking about why some people are so successful in life. And what factors in success that are under more personal control than others.

Successful people might be intelligent. Or have had a socially well connected upbringings. Or be naturally energetic and open and positive.

But a lot of the factors that make some people more successful at almost anything in life are very much under their control. And much can be improved in anyone’s life by learning from the people that have gone before us.

Here are some of the thoughts on success that I’ve come up with from reading/watching documentaries throughout the years about people such as Michael Jordan, Thomas Edison, Eleanor Roosevelt and Henry Ford. The following factors of success are just a few and I’m quite sure there are a lot more.

1. They make decisions and take action.

Right or wrong action, they take it. Either way it’s always better than making no decisions and taking no action at all. As Franklin Roosevelt said:

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.”

2. They do things even when they don’t feel like it.

I think this is a pretty huge factor. A lot of us back down when we don’t want to do something, even though it may eventually bring us to a wonderful experience or goal. Successful people may not always like doing some of the things they have to do. But they do them anyway. And in the longer run that makes all the difference.

3. They do the most productive thing right now.

Instead of trapping themselves in doing productive but not so important tasks or projects they realize what’s most important and do that. And after they’re done with that they do what’s most important again. Instead of just doing a lot of things, they think and plan before they act and try to focus as much as possible of their thoughts and actions on those few very important things.

4. They do one thing at a time.

Many of them don’t seem to multi-task. Some reasons for avoiding that may be that it creates internal confusion, wastes time and spreads the multi-tasker too thinly. Instead, they do one thing and focus on that until it is done. Then they do the next thing until it is done. Focusing 100% on one task at a time will get it done quicker and better.

5. They have a positive attitude.

A negative attitude can be very damaging and limiting to one’s life. A positive one can open new doors every day. It can open your mind to new ideas and input and create or sustain great relationships. It helps you through the hard times as a successful person often sees an opportunity within what others would merely see as a problem.

6. They have redefined failure.

While a lot of people see failure as a way to rationalizing the feeling of wanting to giving up or as a sign that it’s actually time to do something else successful people tend to see it more as useful feedback. They may not like to fail, but they don’t fear it – or at least they have little fear of it – and they know that if they fail they’ve been there before and they can start over again and succeed. This is of course a very useful belief and keeps successful people going while the rest have already given up.

7. They don’t let fear hold them back.

They overcome fear and slay that dragon whenever they face it. Or they may have defined or redefined reality so that fear is substantially decreased or even gone in some areas of their life.

Doing this enables you to take action on your thoughts. This pulls down the barriers in the mind and create new roads and opens up to whole new possibilities.

8. They have found a purpose in life

They are internally driven rather than externally driven. They do what they have a burning desire to do rather than conforming to what others think they should do. Even if what the others think may be positive and successful stuff.

The Michael Jordans, the Edisons and the Stephen Kings have figured out what they want to do in life and are doing it (or did it).

The purpose, I think, is largely why they can keep on going and be motivated while others may tire or just go and do something else that they find more purposeful. The successes love their purpose and when they aligned with it then it seems to push them forward with enthusiasm and energy through life.

9. They don’t get distracted.

When others get too caught up in everyday life to do what they really want to do the successes don’t. They can really focus on actually doing what’s important and what needs to be done. Again, this seems to go back to having a purpose and more clear sense of direction in life.

10. They value their time highly and plan it out well.

A lot of people don’t value their time that much. Successful people have a purpose in life and therefore they do. They have so much they want and an inner urge to do it and therefore need to plan well to use their days effectively.

11. They’ve got awesome communication-skills.

So very much of what we do in life has to do with other people. So it seems quite obvious that to be successful you’ll probably have to have good or great communication-skills (or hire someone that has such skills).

People skills is fortunately something anyone can improve and develop. Have a look at Do You Do these 10 Mistakes in a Conversation.

12, They have an open mind and are willing to learn.

Successful people take the time to study and learn – and often seem to really like doing it – what is necessary to improve their skills. They are open to thoughts, suggestions, solutions, new information and change rather than thinking they already know everything, that there is not much more to learn and that everything should be as it has always been.

What to focus on?

Now, what factors are the most important ones, where should one focus the energy? I am currently focusing on improving my ability to take action, doing what I may not feel like doing and doing the most productive thing right now. To me it seems like these three factors are very important and since they are pretty interconnected they are easy to combine.

I think what you should focus on varies a lot. And it’s up to everyone to figure that out for themselves. But if you’re anything like me you probably already know what areas you need to work on.

First impressions can be quite important.

Everyone stereotypes everyone on first impression, even if we are reluctant to do it.

We all get a first impression of a new person that creates a mental image of his or her personality in our minds.

That image of you often lasts and can affect the relationship that follows.

Another thing is that we often play different roles in relationships. With our parents we play one role, with friends another, with someone we are interested in/in love with a third, when shopping for clothes in a store a fourth. And so on.

A good or great first impression can create a positive role in the minds of the new people we meet. When we meet them again, we are often drawn back into this role. Sometimes it happens almost unconsciously until you after a few minutes notice that you have fallen into your old role – like when you meet friends you haven’t seen in years – in that dynamic once again. You may not always be drawn into that role. But if you do it sure is better to have a positive than a negative role saved for you.

Here are some of the things I’ve learned about improving first impressions. Of course, different environments like business meetings with suits and ties or parties with umbrella-drinks come with different goals and expectations so figure out what’s appropriate and useful in each meeting.

Act as if you are meeting a good friend

If you just imagine that the person you have just met and are talking to is one of your best friends you’ll probably adjust unconsciously and start to smile, open up your body-language to a very friendly and warm position and reduce any nervousness or weirdness in your tone of voice and body-language. Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away.

The nice thing about this is that you may also start to feel positive feelings towards this new person, just as you do with your friend when you meet him/her. This is a pretty good starting-point for getting them to reciprocate and for developing a good relationship.

Keep you body language open

Smile. Don’t cross your arms or legs. Turn your body towards the people you’re are shaking hands with or talking to so that your body language is friendly and open. Make relaxed eye contact – don’t stare – when talking or listening. Don’t look the person in the eye all the time. When you break eye-contact try to do it kinda slow, don’t let your eyes just dart away. Making eye-contact can be a bit hard or scary but if you work at it you’ll get used to it.

For more tips, you may want to have a look at 18 Ways to Improve Your Body Language.

Stand up straight

Keeping a good posture certainly improves on the impression one makes. Don’t slouch. Sit or stand up straight.

Be positive

Sometimes you can go in all positive in a first meeting. Sometimes it may not be the best approach to go in too positive as it can be seen as bit abrasive or inappropriate. A better way to convey a positive attitude in a first meeting can then be to read the mood of person(s) before you start talking – by just watching them – and then match it for a short while. Then – when you have an emotional connection and the other person feels you are similar to him/her – you can let your positivity arise a bit more.

Regardless if you start out positive from the get-go or a short, short while into the meeting, be sure to positive. If you, for instance, start a first meeting by complaining, there’s a big chance the people you meet will mentally label you as a complainer or a negative person.

Don’t think too much
Try, as much as possible, to stay outside of your head and focus on the people you are talking to rather than focusing on yourself.

Mentally rehearse before you even enter the room

Visualize how great the events will unfold – see and hear it – and also how great will you feel at this meeting.

See yourself smiling, being positive, open and having a great time. See the excellent outcome in your mind. Then release by visualizing that it has already happened, that the meeting is over with the desired result. This is surprisingly effective and will get you into a great and relaxed mood before even stepping into the first, second or twentieth meeting.

You may also want to check out the ever-popular Do you make these 10 mistakes in conversation? for more information on stuff like listening, hogging the spot-light, what to talk about (and not to talk about) and the very common need to be right.

What you say isn’t that important

I’d say that mental rehearsal followed by acting as if you’re meeting a friend are the most important parts of all of this. They often solve the rest of pointers in this article unconsciously and automatically and keeps your thoughts focused outwards instead of inwards.

The problem with an inward-focused meeting – where you focus on what you just said, how you look and what the other person thinks of you right now – can reduce anyone to a bumbling, second-guessing, fidgeting shadow of their former self as the self-consciousness becomes almost paralyzing.

Also, as long as you try to use the first and the last point it doesn’t really matter too much what word or phrase you use to start the conversation. The words are only 7 percent of your communication. 93 percent is in your tone of voice and your body-language.

So, a simple “Hi!” may do just fine.

And more of your time each week with people who are trying to improve themselves and/or are living a good life in a positive, healthy and relaxed way.

Sometimes stress and negativity in general becomes so powerful that we almost feel like we can’t deal anymore.

We may temporarily or no so temporarily become angry, sad, depressed, apathetic over even burn-out and become unable to do what we used to do for weeks, months or even years.

Finding ways to release the negative tension and stress becomes crucial to not only handle life but to live a happier and more meaningful life.

Recently I’ve thought quite a bit about these things and done some brainstorming-sessions. Here are some of the ways I’ve come up with so far on how to live a more relaxing life.

1. Prioritize, reorganize and remove – One of the big problems with a life filled with stress is that it’s filled with too much stuff to do and think about.

Another big problem with a life filled with stress is perhaps not that it’s filled with things to do but that a lot of those things are stuff you really don’t feel like doing. You may feel that it’s just something that you should do.

Do you really have to do all things in life? Or are some of them just things you do by habit, not knowing really why you are doing them when you think about it? Or are you doing them because someone else thinks it’s important? Or do you think that friends, neighbours or just people in general will look down upon you if you don’t do it?

I have found that using the 80/20 rule – also know as the Pareto Principle – to be effective when trying to figure out what’s important in your life and what’s not really that important. Basically what the 80/20 rule says is that 20 percent of what you do accounts for 80 percent of the value.

I have found that as a rule of thumb, this is often pretty accurate. In your personal life or at work there are a few very important things that you can do.

Try to figure out what’s really important in your life. What those 20 percent are. Then do as much of that as you can. Try to figure out what isn’t that important of the 80 percent. Minimize the time and effort it takes in your life or if possible remove it. Then use your “new” time to do more of those really important things.

2. Declutter your outer world – A cluttered environment can split your thoughts ten ways and make it hard to relax – or focus – as your thoughts shift all the time thanks to, for instance, constantly discovering new stuff on your desk (bills, candy, reports, mail your forgot to reply to etc.). Less clutter in your outer world creates less clutter in your mind both at work or at home.

3. Plan on paper then work in the now – Write everything down so you don’t have to worry about forgetting something. Putting your plans outside of yourself in some kind of organizing-system to frees up mental RAM and allows your mind to work on other stuff than just trying to remember things.

One of the reasons GTD – the organizing-system from David Allen’s Getting Things Done
– has become so popular is probably because it not only it keeps everything organized and helps you actually getting things done but also because it keeps you working in the now by using a organizing system outside of your head.

Since you keep your plans and the future on paper or in an organizer-type of program and only do things one step at a time your mind doesn’t have to spend much time, on a emotional and psychological plane, thinking and thereby worrying about what will happen next or this afternoon. This reduces fear, procrastination and stress while creating a flow in your work.

4. Always arrive early – I was reminded of this very commonsensical advice while reading this post about the grandfather of 93-year old blogger Don. Simply, always arrive at meetings and appointments 5-10 minutes early.

5. Find a good listener and just talk– If you have troubles one great way to release that negative energy is to talk about to someone about it. They don’t have to come up with a solution to your problem. The point is just for you to talk about it and them mostly to listen. After you’ve poured it out it feels easier. Later, you can return the favour when they need a listener.

6. Meditate – I have had excellent results with guided meditations. I’ve tried Paraliminals from Learning Strategies. They have given me a very relaxing effect with almost no mental chatter for up to 24 hours.

And the upside is that they are extremely easy to use. All you have to do is lie down, close your eyes and relax. And both products gave me a very noticeable result on the first try.

There is of course a lot more to meditation and lot of other different and free meditation-techniques to try. Just google it and explore.

7. Watch/read your favourite tv-comedy, movie, book or websites – Laughter is awesome to release tension and just relax for a while. Since I like American Tv-Shows some of my recommendations are The Simpsons, Arrested Development, Frasier, Futurama and the Daily Show.

8. Breathe – The last few weeks I’ve started doing belly breathing exercises which has brought me both clarity of mind and a sense of calmness.

9. Exercise – Perhaps the most obvious advice of all. Exercise does not only release tension but also, over time, provides you with more energy to handle anything that might come up in your life. And there is a lot of good information online and you can find well filled authority-sites and helpful forums on most subsections of exercise. Again, just google around a bit and see what you find.

10. Fix the rest of the fundamentals – Perhaps the advice providing the largest impact on your life if applied. So, eat and sleep better. Stop or at least reduce smoking and drinking. And you’ll not only feel more relaxed but better in almost every kind of way.

11. Redefine your problems – Are your problems really as big as you think they are? Or are you perhaps blowing them up to scary proportions in your mind? Often we build up our problems, just like fear and anger, in our minds. And then they quickly lose all proportions compared to the problem at hand.

It’s common to dwell on your problems 80 percent of the time but to only think about a solution 20 percent of the time. This, of course, magnifies any problem. Me, I’ve taken some good advice and started to flip those numbers around and try to spend 80 percent of my time focusing on a solution rather than the problem.

Having a problem finding a solution to your problems? Maybe you haven’t come up with enough solutions yet.

12. Find the opportunity hidden within the problem – Another thing about problems is that we often focus on the bad part of them. But there is almost always a good part too. Or at least an opportunity within the problem. Perhaps it teaches us to be more patient, how to live more frugally or become more empathic. Finding this more positive part of the problem reduces it’s negative emotional impact and you may even start to see the situation as a great opportunity for you. When you are faced with a problem ask yourself:

What is the good thing about this? What can I learn from this? And what opportunity can I find within this problem?

13. Surrender to your feelings – Instead of fighting your feelings accept them and surrender to them. And you’ll find that the negative feelings quickly lose their power over you and fade away. Here’s the practical formula, which I have written about several times before, for doing just that:

When you feel a negative feeling then accept it. Don’t try to fight it or to keep it out (like many of us have learned throughout life).

Say yes to it.

Surrender and let it in.

Observe the feeling in your mind and body without labeling or judging it. If you let it in – for me the feeling then often seems physically locate itself to the middle of my chest – and just observe it for maybe a minute or two something wonderful happens. The feeling just vanishes.

14. Overcome or at least reduce your fears – This is of course not as easy as some of the suggestions above and can take months or years. But if you reduce some of your fears you’ll start knocking down some of the walls in your life that are holding you back.

When you start to reduce one fear you will to start to feel more freedom in that area of your life. That sense of freedom, the practical knowledge you acquire and knowing that you can lessen your fear dramatically, that it is possible and you have done it can start to seep into other parts of your life. And being able to do what you want and being able to be who you want to be and not being kept back by fear can relieve large amounts of stress and negativity and change any life in a remarkable way.

For some practical tips have a look at 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear. One of the keys has already been described in this article (it’s #13) but there are four more that can be very useful.

Final Thoughts

As usual with these larger articles with over a dozen tips: you may not want to try them all out at once. That would probably just lead to more stress and you frequently beating yourself up.

Instead, just choose one or a few of the suggestions and try them out for a 30-day trial. That means using the tip every day for 30 days thereby making it a habit and something that you after a month can do more automatically and with less effort.

Some of the most useful suggestions in this article, those can have a very large impact on your life, are tips like number 1, 9, 10, 13 and 14.

I’ve still got another handful of suggestions on how to relaxify your life so I’ll probably post another article with those later on.

Better breathing seems to be just about the simplest lifehack there is so lately I’ve been trying a couple of ways to improve that part of my life.

Last year I tried one way of breathing recommended by Anthony Robbins.

Basically, what you did was breathe in while counting to 1, hold your breath while counting to 4 and breathe out again while counting to 2.

Robbins wrote that you should take 10 of these breaths, three times a day (morning, evening and before going to bed).

I tried it for about two weeks, and I guess I might have done something wrong, but it only made feel a bit woozy and overall more tired.

The last few weeks I’ve tried out a different approach. This one’s called belly breathing and it’s pretty common. The curious reader can get a lot more information by simply googling the term.

So far it’s been more successful compared to Robbins approach. I’ve noticed that belly breathing makes me feel more energized and clearheaded. It also brings a sense of calmness and sweeps away negative mental chatter.

Here’s how I go about it:

• Sit in a relaxing position with your legs apart.
• Put your hands on your stomach. Using your stomach breathe in slowly through your nose. If you are doing it right your stomach will expand and you’ll feel it with your hands.
• Breathe out slowly through your nose and do it with some force so you feel your stomach pull slightly inwards towards your spine.
• Breathe in and out for about 30 times. Take deep and slow breaths.

After you have taken 30 breaths and focused on counting them you should not only feel more relaxed and centered. Your body will also be able to continue breathing in this manner without you focusing on it.

That’s it. Continue with your normal day.

I try to repeat this short exercise about 3-5 times a day to teach my body to eventually shift into belly breathing full-time.