Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.
Wayne Dyer

I think that becoming a happier person is not so much about changing external circumstances as it is about changing your thinking.

You can pile up tons of positive external stuff in your life but if your internals are messed up then your life won’t become that much better.

And the thing is that if you get your thoughts into the right place then your outer world will start to align to those thoughts.

Now, there are quite a few ways to make yourself miserable. Here are 9 of them that I believe are some of the most popular. I have used them time and time again. I still do from time to time.

I’d recommend decreasing these thought habits as much as possible. Ditching them all together might be hard. But over time you can cut down on them significantly.

To remind yourself of them you may want to print out this article or write down a few of these ways that you feel especially apply to you.

You can use those notes as external reminders for the fridge or your bathroom mirror.

1. Compare everything you do to the lives and accomplishments of other people.

The problem with comparing yourself to others is that there will always be someone with more than you. So you get a car that is nicer than the ones your closest neighbors drive. And that feels awesome for a while. But then one day you see the young kid on the next block driving around in his new, cool and expensive sports car. And once again, you don’t feel so good anymore.

A more useful way of thinking is to compare yourself to yourself. Appreciate the progress you have made. Take a closer look at the areas where you aren’t improving as much as you’d like and try to figure out why. Then make a plan for how you can improve on those areas of your life.

2. Go along with what everyone else tells you. And try to please everyone.

Recognize that everyone will have opinions on what you can do. That doesn’t mean that you have to do what they say. You cannot live your life through the eyes of everyone else. Well, you can but then you’ll most likely feel a lot of pressure from every direction and not feel that well at all.

And even if you do try to please everyone you may find that some people aren’t pleased anyway. That’s because what they are saying doesn’t have much to do with you at all. What they are saying is just an outer reflection of their life and how they feel. If they didn’t say something negative to you then they would complain about cabbies, dog owners or whoever popped up in their mind or in front of their nose.

Now I could tell you that you should always think for yourself instead and make your decisions on what you know. The problem I have found with that point of view is that you and I are bit like everyone else. We also like to feel like we are right and are sitting on the best advice. So what you are thinking is right may not always be the best solution.

So try to do some research. Ask people who have actually been where you want to go what they have learned. Try to base you decisions on something substantial. Then just take action. In the end you have to experiment, fail over and over again and discover what actually works for you.

3. Live in a sea of negative voices.

What you allow into your mind will affect you. So be selective. If you’re hanging out with negative people all the time then that can really drag you down. It’s not easy to stay optimistic when pessimism is the default mode in your world.

Another part of this is getting hooked on the news and prophecies of the sky falling. The sky is probably not falling.

Consider spending less time with negative voices. Cut back on – or cut out –seeing negative people. Cut back on watching the news or even more spectacularly negative TV-shows. You’ll find yourself with a chunk of new, free and fresh time to do something more fun.

4. Never mix things up or try something new.

This one is sneaky. It can fool you into feeling that things are pretty OK. You have your pleasant, safe routine. But underneath there are fuzzy negative feelings of dissatisfaction that sometimes move up to the surface.

Remind yourself of the other times when you have tried something and how you most often don’t regret it at all. In fact, you probably had a pretty good time. Don’t fool yourself into complacency.

I’m not saying that need to go sky diving. But simply that it’s a good choice to mix things up, to get some diversity at least once in a while. The next time someone suggests trying something give a try. Or make a suggestion to your friends.

5. Spend too much of your time in the past and/or the future.

How much time do you spend thinking about something that has happened? Or on something that you think will happen?

How much time do you actually spend thinking about and observing what is actually in front of your nose right now?

It may seem like a pretty good idea to think about a great memory. Or dream about what you will do for the weekend or your vacation. And it is.

The thing is just that if you spend much time in the past or present then thoughts tend to spiral a bit out of control. You start to over think. You imagine future scenarios in an almost compulsive way. You replay and reinterpret old memories. You trap yourself in a negative downward spirals and moods.

Getting lost in these trains of thoughts is very easy. But you can also train yourself to keep a closer eye on your thoughts. If you start to question your own thoughts throughout the day with questions like: is this useful? then you can improve your understanding of what you are spending your time thinking about.

If you find what you are thinking isn’t really that useful just drop it and start thinking about something else. If you can’t just drop it – it isn’t easy sometimes – here are three suggestions:

Focus most of your thinking on finding a solution. Not on wallowing in your negative thoughts. There is often something you can do about a situation. Focus your mind on finding that or those solutions. Then take action. This can bring you out of a negative mood and make you see light at the end of the tunnel.

Focus on your breathing. Take a couple of dozen belly breaths and just focus your mind on your inhaling and exhaling. This will calm you down, release anxiety and align you with the present moment once again.

Focus on what is in front of you right now. Instead of thinking over and over again about what your boss told you yesterday or what you want for dinner just focus on what’s right in front of you. When you are driving actually observe what is happening in front of you. When you ride the bus observe the people, trees and buildings.

Like so much else, being present is a muscle you have to build. You learn to stay longer in the now and it becomes easier to snap back into it after some training.

6. Focus on what you don’t want.

If you focus on what you don’t want then that is what your focus system in your mind, your reticular activating system (RAS), will find. If you focus on how everything is going down the toilet then your RAS will let you notice examples of that in your surroundings.

You can only bring into focus what you are focusing on. The rest will blur into the background. So if you want to earn more money don’t focus on your lack of money. Focus on how you can make more money. Opportunities will jump out at you in conversations, while you are reading the paper or watching TV or while you are just walking down the street. It can be a bit freaky sometimes. Suddenly, after having changed your focus, something that has obviously been there for quite some time in the background jumps out at you.

Just focusing on what you want won’t solve your problems though. You still need to take action over and over to take advantage of your newfound opportunities.

7. Spend your time looking for magic pills.

Reading a book on personal development won’t solve your problems. It’s kinda devious though because reading the book can make you feel like you are making progress. But without action there is little progress.

But this pleasant feeling of making progress can become addictive. It gives you an emotional high. So you read another book. And another. And you become a personal development junkie.

Always looking for that one thing that will change your life. But there are no real magic pills. Some books are certainly more helpful than others. Especially if they wind up in your hand at the right time. When you are ready for them. And exposing your mind constantly to positive and helpful information is better than listening to negative voices. Over time it can help you change how you think and how you view your world.

But it is no substitute for taking action. Someone might try to sell you something that they promise will bring big rewards with basically no action your part. That’s probably just a sales pitch. The product itself may be good, great or useless. You never really know. You just have to try it out by taking action and see for yourself.

My recommendation is to stop looking for magic pills. Instead just buy a classic personal development book from authors like Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy or Eckhart Tolle. Then actually follow a tips or two of their tips for 30 days. Just focus on that. Then move on to another couple of pieces of advice. This will give you better results than running around in circles looking for magic pills. You can find some recommended books right here.

8. Always be looking for and relying on external validation.

This can be a huge one. External validation is basically that someone other than you validates you. They might tell you that you are smart, pretty, cool, successful etc. They tell you something that tells you that you are a person of value.

Now, this may sound all well and good. Getting compliments is wonderful. The problem is just that if you need validation from others then you let the outside world, other people, control how you feel. And that can be a real roller coaster. Because if you need the positive validation from people then it’s hard to avoid listening to their negative input. Or you may feel bad when there is a pause in the validation.

So what do you do? You let go of the need for that input. But there will still be a need for validation. So you need to fill that up to not go back to really, really wanting validation from others.

You do that by validating yourself instead.

You think about how awesome you are. You appreciate how far you have come and the positive things you have done. You appreciate your own value in the world. You set goals and you achieve those goals. This builds confidence in yourself and in your abilities. These things will help you to build a habit of inner validation.

Don’t sell yourself short. Validate yourself and your accomplishments. Get off the roller coaster that is over-reliance on external validation.

9. Take things too seriously.

Things are seldom really that serious. It’s most often your ego trying to fool you into thinking so. Because if your problems are serious, huge and important then that means that you must be important. It’s a way to try to raise your value for yourself and in the eyes of others.

It’s not a great way of thinking though. You’ll spend far too much time thinking the past and the future. You’ll create irritability and instability within yourself that is reflected into the outside world. You’ll probably spend quite a bit of time being hard on yourself.

Being hard on yourself might sound a like a good idea to “teach yourself a lesson”. I believe it’s better to drop such behavior and learn what you can from mistakes and then move on. Being hard on yourself just seems to create a lot of negativity and problems within yourself. All in all, by taking things too seriously you can really go down, down, down into a negative spiral.

Lightening up and not taking things too seriously is more pleasurable and useful thing to do. I have done this by for example using a note on my fridge to remind myself to “Lighten up!” and by not identifying so much with my ego, emotions and thoughts.

Emailing can be a tricky form of communication. There are mistakes to be made. I have made more than a few of them. I hope this can help you avoid some of the same mistakes.

1. Using a non-descriptive headline.

A “Hi!” may be nice to start a regular conversation. But when we are talking about emailing and subject lines then a more descriptive subject line is useful. It will quickly convey what your email is about and it will stand out among the other 100 subject lines your reader is scanning through in his/her inbox.

2. Rambling on and on.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to talk on and on about your problem, question, new product etc. It’s great or interesting, so why not? The problem is just that people get a lot of emails. Maybe dozens or hundreds each day. If you don’t get to the point quickly then you may lose their interest halfway through the email. So, get to the point quickly.

3. Not explaining properly.

It’s easy to assume that people know as much as you do and that some things are just self-evident. That’s not always the case though. You shouldn’t write too long and rambling emails. But you shouldn’t write too short emails either. If you have something that may need to be explained, explain it clearly but as simply as you can. Make sure that you get the point of the email across to your reader.

4. Being too formal.

Having a really formal tone can be helpful sometimes. Other times a less formal tone is more useful.

An email is often a way to build and develop a relationship of some sort. To do that, emotions must come into play. You want to create an emotional connection to your reader. That doesn’t mean that you should be overemotional though.

Just try to write to someone in a relaxed tone. The same tone that you would use if you met that person in a relaxed conversation in real life. Write kinda like you talk. Then your email will have a conversational tone. And the connection between the two of you will often be better and more natural. How do you write in a conversational tone? Be relaxed when you write the email and your tone will be relaxed. If you are tense or anxious, try a few belly breaths or take a short break out in the fresh air.

5. Messing up your contact information.

Have you included all the necessary information on how to get a hold of you? What is your phone number or fax number? When are you available for calls? What is most likely the quickest way to get a hold of you? And, finally, don’t forget to triple check the addresses and digits for your website, phone etc.

6. Using email in the first place.

When phone or face to face is better. There is certainly a larger risk for misunderstandings if you use email. There is no body language or voice tonality to convey nuances and emotions. And emoticons can only go so far. :) If you have a possibly emotional issue to bring up consider using the phone or meeting face to face instead. No point in creating totally unnecessary conflicts.

7. Not reading through your email an extra time before hitting send.

There may be typos, spelling errors or even things you thought about writing but forgot too add. Again, thoroughly check your contact information in the email. And don’t forget to check that your attachment is actually attached to the email.

Here’s a thing that I didn’t really pay attention to for quite a while.

I guess it became a kind of blind spot. Finding this obstacle and being able to remove it on a consistent basis has made things a lot easier and more enjoyable. I think it will be helpful to me this year and that’s why it’s the first thing I would like to share with you in 2008.

One problem with being involved in personal development is that you can get a bit too serious. There are a lot of big, perhaps life-changing words, choices and products in this field. So there is naturally often a pretty serious tone overall.

This is good because it can help people to take their life and time seriously and make them less prone to waste such valuable things.

But having a too serious mindset isn’t that great all the time. It can lead to taking things way too seriously and create big problems and negative feelings and events from pretty much nothing. Lightening up can help you to drop unimportant stuff and leave you with more time and energy for the really important things in your life.

Now. This may sound all well and good but how do you actually lighten up consistently or at all? Here’s what I have done.

Realize that you are not your thoughts or emotions.

One key to being able to lighten up is the ability to see that much of your seriousness, much of the need to for instance to be right comes from things that aren’t really you. When you become more conscious of how your thoughts and emotions isn’t all of you, when you are able to see a separation then it becomes easier to not take things – or yourself – so seriously and keep a lighter frame of mind.

Realize that you are not your ego.

If you are too much identified with your ego then the ego will – with a deceptive, negative inner voice – tell you things like “I’m very important” and “how dare they say such things as jokes or criticism about me”. This is the ego trying to protect itself from a perceived attack from someone. And so you may be convinced to go into a serious mood that leads to overreacting.

But when you realize more and more that such instances in you daily life is just your ego reacting and not you then it becomes easier to not take things so seriously. It becomes easier to just ignore what the ego is shouting and determine your own reactions, thoughts and behavior.

What you once may have blown up or been fuming internally about, you don’t get that worked up over. I have found that quite often I just mentally shrug my shoulders and move on to the next thing.

Again, as I have mentioned before, good books to read and reread to understand more about yourself and your ego, thought and emotions are A New Earth and the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. And then you need to practise the advice and see how it applies you. This isn’t really something you fix in a week but something that you can make progress with over months or years.

Develop an abundance mentality.

Now, to lighten up is still about taking your work seriously, do well and not slack off. It’s not about finding a way to rationalise away the hard work as unimportant.

It’s more about not taking yourself too seriously.

And being able to not take negative events and results that seriously. One helpful thing here is to develop an abundance mentality. Well, overall I think it’s a good idea to have an abundance mentality rather than a scarcity mentality.

An abundance mentality tells you that there are always new chances and opportunities. This relieves much of the pressure you may feel if you have a scarcity mentality that makes you think that you only got this shot right now. Or makes you feel like an utter failure just because you just stumbled and things didn’t work out.

An abundance mentality allows you to see life in a more long-term perspective. And it can help you improve your performance since with it you’re creating a lot less pressure and anxieties within your own mind.

Tests in school can always be retaken. New dates can be arranged. There will be new business opportunities. You can start anew online or offline. Few things will actually be the end of the world even though an overly serious mindset may fool you into believing otherwise.

One challenge with developing and maintaining an abundance mentality is that much of society is built upon using a scarcity mentality to make you buy stuff. So advertising and parts of social programming tries to reinforce the scarcity mentality in people.

One couple of ways that I have found useful to handle that challenge is to cut down on your media consumption – reading less papers and watch less TV – and to use your new free time for things that reinforce your abundance mentality.

Examples of such things would be self-improvement blogs. And books, tapes and dvds on the same subject. Because there you can find information and people that come from a place of abundance. Or you can hang out with people with an abundance mentality in real life.

And I think it’s not the words that these people use that are of most use to you but rather the underlying feeling and frame of mind that is flowing from that person over to you.

Whatever flows into your mind will leave imprints, so be selective to be good to yourself.

Remind yourself constantly.

Your mind will easily slip into identifying with what your ego is trying to tell you or what your emotions are saying. It’s very easy to forget to not take things so seriously. I have posted a reminder to Lighten Up! on my fridge so I see it several times each day. More on using such simple tricks can be found in How to Keep Yourself on Track: Using External Reminders.

Assume rapport.

When you meet people assume rapport. This basically means that you imagine that you are meeting one of your best friends. Doing this can help you to put yourself into a lighter and more relaxed mood. Often a more useful mood to be in than a really serious one when interacting with people. You can read more about this in How to Have Less Awkward Conversations: Assume Rapport.

So it’s New Year’s Eve. The fireworks have rained and exploded across the sky, the dessert is all eaten and the champagne bottles are empty. You sit around talking and New Years resolutions come up. “Yeah, this year is gonna be different!”. You feel enthusiastic.

Fast-forward to the middle of January. The weather’s dreary. Enthusiasm has waned, dabbling has ensued. Maybe the resolution is abandoned altogether.

How do you keep yourself from reaching that point? How do actually stick with your New Year’s resolution? Well, in the end it’s up to you and I don’t have a solid plan that will work 100% of the time.

However, I have a few suggestions that can help you to make this year’s New Years resolution more than an empty promise to yourself.

The first 3 suggestions – together with the last one – are probably the most important ones. So if you forget about the rest, try to keep these four in mind.

Choose something YOU really want.

It has to be something you, yourself really want. Or you will find it hard to keep the motivation up. It will be hard to keep going after a few days/weeks. You got 14 days until the New Year is here. Start thinking about what you really want.

And find out what’s in it for you. If you don’t even have a clear picture of why you want to do something then there will be motivational problems. Write down all the reasons why getting your behind in gear and getting a handle on your New Year’s resolution will help you. Remind yourself by reviewing these reasons regularly and by putting them up in visible locations in your daily life.

Choose one thing.

Trying to change more than one habit at the same time is a classic pitfall. It’s possible to succeed with such an ambitious thing but it often takes quite a bit of time and energy. Keeping up with five resolutions at the same time will probably become too much work and you run the very possible risk of getting off the train too early and never solidifying any of your new habits. So focusing on one thing at time can be a more workable strategy.

Focus on the process.

For instance, focus on working out 3 times a week. This focus on the process is very important. For me personally it’s made things a lot easier and it promotes one of the most important things for getting some real results: consistency.

Don’t get hung up on your distant goal of losing those pounds. Focus on the process and being consistent with going to the gym. The pounds will come off. If not, then you may need to educate yourself a bit more and tweak your process. And, if you can, try to enjoy the process as much as you can. It makes it easier to reach your goal. And it makes your everyday life a lot more pleasant. :)

Remember to create a specific goal for the process, not just “I will eat better” or “I will go to the gym often”. Set specific goals that you will focus on. Otherwise there may be a lot dabbling and wishy-washy follow up.

Make it easy on yourself.

Work out in front of the TV if that will make it easier. Lift weights in the basement. Buy a stationary bike or a treadmill. Use it while reading, playing videogames or watching a movie. If you know that the darkness and cold of the winter will keep you from going to the gym consistently be creative and try to avoid that obstacle altogether.

Educate yourself.

Learning more about what you are about to do/are doing can be a great help. If you’re about to quit smoking ask others who have overcome the addiction what their best tips are. Do some research on/offline. And, along the way learn and experiment to find the best solution for yourself.

Bonus tip: If you are for example giving up candy, don’t just throw it out and leave a vacuum in your life. Replace the old habit with another habit to make it easier to transition into your new lifestyle choice and reduce sugar cravings. Good replacements to fill your cupboards and drawers with would, in this case, be your favourite fruits, veggies and nuts. You can read more on replacing a bad habit in this article.

If you fail don’t beat yourself up.

You will most likely have bad days and fall flat on your face. The important thing here is not to get yourself down too much and keep on beating yourself up for a week. That could certainly lead to giving up altogether. Plus, it’s kinda pointless. Instead, learn what you can from the experience so you don’t have to repeat it too many times. Then get back on the horse again the next day. And keep going.

Just do it. Even if you don’t feel like it.

This last one is really important for consistency and achieving success. There may come a time when then initial enthusiasm has waned and your motivation is running low.

Then you need to just do it. Meaning: try not to be so wrapped up in your thoughts and emotions. They are just things running through your consciousness. They are not you. They have a tendency of putting up obstacles – almost always imaginary ones too – on your path. Don’t pay much attention to those roadblocks. Just ignore them and plow through.

Even if your mind and feelings are disagreeing with your resolution just go and do it anyway.

Image by kalandrakas.

Assuming rapport. This is definitely one of the best social skill tips I have ever learned about. Unfortunately I’ve forgotten a bit about it lately. Maybe you have too. Or missed it altogether. So I thought I’d bring it up again.

Now, what is assuming rapport?

Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking “how will this go?” you take different approach. You assume that you and the person(s) will establish a good connection (rapport).

How do you do that?

You simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one.

I have found that this advice is surprisingly useful and easy to implement.

Just before the meeting, you just think that you’ll be meeting a good friend. Then you’ll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind.

This also helps you and the other people to set a good frame for the interaction. A frame is always set in the at the start of an interaction. It might be a nervous and stiff frame, a formal and let’s-get-to-the-point kind of frame or perhaps a super relaxed one.

The thing is that the frame that is set in the beginning of the conversation is often one that may stay on for a while. First impressions last.

If it’s a very stiff frame then it may very well continue to be so until the end. It can be quite difficult to for instance change that frame into a more relaxed one. Often people – you and the others – adapt to the frame that is set and interact within it. Breaking or changing that frame may feel uncomfortable or a bit weird.

And so you and the others can become reluctant to do so and instead just play along.

First impressions last

So setting a good frame at the very beginning can bring more enjoyment and better results out of any kind of meeting.

That’s one of the reasons why it’s so useful to smile when you first meet someone. And it’s also important to consider that the impression made and frame set may not just last during the first conversation. It may continue throughout your relationship with this new friend, classmate or co-worker.

Now, meeting your best friend might not always be the best thing to think about before a meeting.

If it’s a meeting at work or in school then you may need to have use a more formal frame (for instance without hugs and the relaxed attitude you have with friends).

In that case you may want to try to imagine a similar meeting that went well and your interactions with the people there.

If you go into a conversation with the right frame of mind a lot of the problems you may have encountered before or created outside and inside your mind just never come up.

Much of communication is non-verbal and can be difficult to manually correct in a conversation.

But when you go in with a positive and relaxed energy then that is fed into the interaction by you using your non-verbal communication – like your voice tonality and body language – in good way.

Just be yourself

When you’re with your friend you don’t think about what you should say next or what funny comment you could pull out of your sleeve. You just stay in the present moment, moment by moment, and the conversation flows easily and naturally.

I think this is what some people mean when they give the often confusing advice to “just be yourself”. When your friends give you that advice then they may mean that you should be like you are when you are hanging out with us.

They want to see you bring out your natural and relaxed self in other interactions.

One final useful thing about assuming rapport is that you may also start to feel positive feelings towards this new person, just as you do with your friend when you meet him/her.

This is a pretty good starting point for getting the new person to reciprocate and for developing a good relationship.