“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.”
George F. Burns
One good life skill is to be able to chill out. To be calm in negative situations and not overreact about all kinds of things. Or invent big, big problems in your mind – or create them in your world as you drag other people in through arguments – by making mountains out of molehills.
By being able to chill out when needed to you will:
Have a lot less stress, worry and pointless conflicts with other people.
Waste less of your time on things that aren’t really that useful.
Attract what you are. To be able to draw people who are more relaxed and positive about life into your life then you have to be that person yourself. People like to hang out with people who are like them (because it’s comfortable, because it brings more fun and success, because people have 24 hours in a day and so choices need to be made). Being someone that can be cool and relaxed about things is a positive and attractive social quality for any kind of relationship.
So how do you do it?
Well, here are four good tips:
1. Ask yourself if this even really matters.
By asking yourself the wrong questions you can make any little thing into a huge problem. By asking yourself better questions you can see things from a more helpful perspective.
Who cares? Very simple. Asking yourself this makes you realize that no, this isn’t a big deal to fuss or worry about.
Will this matter 5 years from now? If you ask yourself this question you will discover that if you put something into a more healthy perspective then few things matter that much.
2. Get a life.
If you find yourself sitting around too much and not having enough to do then it’s very easy to get stuck in thought loops and go into a downward spiral. Simply by filling your life with more fun activities and people you can become a lot more relaxed and less prone to overreacting about the little things.
So spend less time analyzing life and more time living and exploring it in whatever way you’d like. By doing so you are also often confronted with having to expand your comfort zones and perhaps face a fear. This leads to better self confidence and less fretting about if you can handle things that may come up.
3. What would someone else do?
This is a good way to find a new and more useful perspective. You simply ask yourself what someone else would do in your situation.
Maybe you ask yourself:
What would Winnie the Pooh do?
What would James Bond do?
What would mom or dad do?
The point is to play around and find a new perspective and drag yourself out of your current negative, stressed and confused headspace and see things in another light. Just doing that can often help you to calm down, realize that this isn’t a huge deal and help you to find a solution that you can apply.
4. Remember to keep things extremely simple.
At the very top of the whiteboard on my wall I have written down: “Keep things extremely simple”. This is a very useful thing to remind yourself of throughout any day. Whenever I feel I am making a thing bigger or more complicated than it is or I simply become confused or negative in some way I can look at the wall (or remember that sentence if I’m not at home) to help guide my thoughts back into a constructive and calm place.
“There is no such thing as a worthless conversation, provided you know what to listen for. And questions are the breath of life for a conversation.” James Nathan Miller
“If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time-a tremendous whack.” Winston Churchill
One of the most common problems that people may run into in conversations – based on my own experiences, emails/comments I get and feedback from people in real life – is that their heads go empty and they don’t know what to say next.
The conversation stalls and there is even perhaps an uncomfortable silence.
So how can you overcome this challenge?
Here’s what I do.
Why does this problem even come up?
First, here’s my short explanation why you might run into this problem.
One reason might be that you are simply not prepared or out of your “regular world” (meaning for example that you go to a party to watch the finals in the world championship in rugby but know nothing about the sport while the other people are huge fans).
But a more common reason why you may run into this problem is that you feel that you need to say the “right thing”.
You may want to not want to appear stupid by saying the wrong things or asking the wrong question. Or you want to impress someone.
Bonus: Download a free step-by-step cheatsheet that will show you how to avoid this syndrome in your own life (it’s easy to save as a PDF or print out for whenever you need it during your day or week).
1. You don’t have to be perfect.
Realize that you don’t always have to have the best answer or say the perfect thing. No one is expecting that except you.
Setting such ridiculous expectations just screws with your mind and improves nothing. Instead it can lead to a sort of performance anxiety that winds up paralyzing your mind.
And so you don’t know what to say next.
2. Don’t think too much.
When you think too much you tend to have your focus inwards. You become self conscious, start to question yourself and fear what the future may bring.
You get stuck between options for what to say and nothing comes out.
If you instead bring your awareness back the present moment you shift your focus outwards again.
You notice what the people you are talking to are actually saying, what is happening in your conversation and around you.
This is the natural headspace stay in when you’re in a conversation. It’s a place where you probably are most of the time with your closest friends and family.
So how do you get into this comfortable and social headspace?
Breathe or observe.
The simplest way to reconnect with the now is to just focus on your breathing or to observe and take in your surroundings with all your senses for just a minute.
Assume rapport.
Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking “how will this go?” you assume that you and the person(s) will establish a good connection (rapport).
How do you do that?
Just before the meeting, you just think/pretend that you’ll be meeting a good friend.
Then you’ll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind.
In this state of mind conversation tends to flow more naturally without much thinking.
Just like with your friends.
You may want to do a combination of breathing to relax if you feel tense and stressed and then you assume rapport to bring yourself into an even more positive headspace.
Going straight from nervous to assuming rapport successfully may be too big of a leap.
3. Tap into curiosity.
When you are stuck in some kind of negative emotional state then you are closed up.
You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people.
Curiosity on the other hand is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm.
It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your nervousness or fear.
So be curious.
But when you are curious, don’t get stuck in the questions game where the conversation turns into an interrogation.
Mix the questions up with making statements.
Instead of asking what someone’s favorite film is just tell them what your favorite one is and the let them continue from that statement.
4. Associate.
Find something in what you are already talking about to help you move into the next topic.
The topic of fishing lure commercials on TV can help you bounce over to the time you and your uncle got trapped in boat without fuel while fishing.
And then you and the people in the conversation can go on to talking about family or the oil problems the world is facing.
You can also find inspiration for topics by simply observing your surroundings.
5. Prepare.
The tips above should help you out but if you get really stuck anyway then you may want prepare and have a few topics in your mental backpocket.
The person you are talking to. Again, curiosity is good because people like to talk about themselves.
Passions. People love to share positive emotions and usually like to know what makes the other person tick.
Watercooler topics and the news. It never hurts to be updated on what’s happening in the world.
6. Do the right thing.
This is more of a long-term solution but it makes conversations and just about anything easier and makes your life flow in a natural way.
If your thoughts and actions aren’t in harmony then you don’t feel so good about yourself. You feel like you are disappointing yourself and your self esteem sinks.
If you on the other hand do what you deep down think is the right thing as much as you can then you feel like you deserve good things in life (and so the need to impress anyone significantly decreases).
You feel confident and alive.
This does of course come through in a major way in any interaction.
Here’s the next step…
Now, you may think to yourself:
“This is really helpful information. But what’s the easiest way to put this into practice and actually make a real change so I don’t get stuck in this kind of situation again?”
Well, I’ve got something special for you…
A free step-by-step cheatsheet that includes all the steps in this article… save it or print it out so you have it for your daily life and for the next time when you’re worried that you’ll don’t know what to say.
Download it now by entering your email below.
“All glory comes from daring to begin.” Eugene F. Ware
“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Eleanor Roosevelt
A few days ago I wrote about how to make that change you really want to stick this year. Today I’d like to continue on the theme of newness and fresh changes with this companion piece.
1. There is always a new beginning.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” Seneca
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller
How often do we not miss the window of opportunity in a new situation just because we are still angry, sad or frustrated about that other door that just closed?
To me this is another powerful reason to remind myself to stay in the present. To not get stuck and hung up on missed opportunities. When you are living in the present – which is a way to live on the positive and open part of the emotional scale too – and not stuck in the past I have found that it is a lot easier to find the hidden opportunities in any situation.
So whenever you see a door closing, take your eyes off it at least pretty shortly after. And instead of letting your awareness linger on what is in the past, use your time and focus to find the new opportunity that lets you continue the unpredictable adventure that is life.
2. Just get started.
“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” Lao Tzu
“So many fail because they don’t get started – they don’t go. They don’t overcome inertia. They don’t begin.” W. Clement Stone
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain
Sitting at home on your hands and thinking about something or hoping will not get you far. To get something out of life you have to get going. It’s not always easy though as fear and inner resistance and simple inertia holds you in your place. So how can you make it easier?
Well, you can certainly do what Mark Twain recommended, it works very well. You can also:
Ask yourself: What is the worst that could happen? A lot of the fear we feel before getting started comes from fuzzy and foggy thoughts about what could happen. But if you actually imagine the worst scenario then it’s often not as frightening as you thought. You won’t die or anything. And it won’t ruin the rest of your life. Imagine the worst scenario and then try to create a plan focused on how you could get on your feet again if that scenario, against all probability, should happen. You’ll realize that whatever your fear is you could probably get back on your feet and back to normal life pretty quickly once again.
Make a list of the reasons to get started. Do it on paper, on your computer or just in your head. When you stuck in fear and inaction it’s very easy to just focus on the negative aspects such as it being hard work or the risk of pain or failure. So you need to change what you are focusing on to motivate yourself to take action. Making a list of positives like benefits and possible opportunities can be very effective for turning your focus around.
3. The beginning doesn’t have to be perfect.
“Beginnings are always messy” John Galsworth
“All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant’s revolving door.” Albert Camus
When you read personal development blogs or books it’s easy to be lulled into a feeling of enthusiasm where everything will go smoothly if you just stick to the plan.
But reality is a bit more messy. Plans go out the window or may need to be modified as soon as you put them into action. That’s OK. That’s normal. Be prepared for that. It doesn’t mean that what you learned won’t work. It just means that a book or article can’t explain all the intricacies of your life and situation. There will always be a bit of simplification and things that piece of text could not predict.
So don’t go looking for perfect beginnings (or situations in general). Such hopes just tend to disappoint you since nothing or no one can live up to such unrealistic expectations. Instead, accept that this is how life is.
This is also why perseverance, patience and going after what you really, really want is essential. Without those things you’ll fold and give up when you hit a snag, bump or fall flat on your face.
Also, always keep a pen and paper – or a cellphone – nearby to write down all the great ideas that come to you in the strangest places.
“The greatest waste in the world is the difference between what we are and what we could become.” Ben Herbster
“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” Flora Whittemore
“The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.” Marcus Aurelius
It’s a fresh new year.
Although you can make a positive change in your life at any time most people get an extra dose of enthusiasm around this time of the year. That’s only natural.
But how do you go about making changes that will stick? How do you not wind up in the same place where you started a few weeks or months from now?
Below is a sort of checklist for 2010 that will help you to avoid some of the most common problems that people have when they trying make a change. I have created it so I have something to look back on as I move through this year. You may want to do the same.
1. Choose something YOU really want.
It’s easy to tipsily declare your New Year’s resolution for 2010 when you got a glass of champagne in your hand. But do you actually want it?
Maybe you don’t really want it that much. But the world around seems to want it. This doesn’t mean that you can’t achieve it. But it might be better to focus on what YOU really want. Both to steer your life in the direction you yourself want and to create positive internal motivation instead of external pressure you feel you have to live up to.
How do you find out what you really want to do? By thinking and by experimenting and just trying things out (the image you have of something in your head can be very different from the actual experience). Get to know what you really want in your life.
2. Choose a main focus.
Choose one main area of life to focus on each year. This makes it easier to actually get a lot of things done and taking massive action instead of getting lost in too many commitments and getting worn out by trying to balance all areas of life.
This year I will be focusing on expanding and growing my business (which is this website at the moment, but soon a bit more than that). I have also set a smaller, secondary focus on developing and expanding my social life even more. Fitness and health that was my main focus in 2009 will take a backseat. I’ll mainly let it run on autopilot based on the positive changes I made last year.
Think about what area of your life that you really want to focus on. It may be the area you know deep down that needs to most improvement. Or the area that you think you will reap the greatest rewards by improving.
3. Find a way that fits you.
Different things fit different people. It did for example take me quite some time of trying different ways to do cardio exercise before I finally found body weight exercises.
Experiment and find what works for you and what fits your personality. This will make it a lot easier to stick to your positive change and develop a relaxed consistency.
4. Set big goals, not reasonable ones.
One mistake I made last year was to set a too small goal for how much money I wanted to make from my business each month. It was reasonable, but it also didn’t inspire me that much. By the summer I realized this and tripled the amount of money I wanted to make.
Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable but also excited. My mind started to spit out solutions to help me reach that goal. I didn’t reach the goal in 2009 but my income shot up quite a bit during the last six months of that year.
So this year I’m definitely setting bigger goals than I used to.
I may not reach them but if you aim for the stars and wind up in the treetops then that’s still pretty great.
5. Set the goal but focus on the daily process.
I for instance use this when I write and when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up and doing my workout/writing. The results – I become stronger and the website grows – come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take action when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”.
Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day.
6. Find ways to overcome the things that cause you to relapse into old behavior.
Stress may cause you to feel like smoking again. If so, find a few relaxation techniques that can help you. Worry may lead you to eating too much to feel better. If that is an issue that pops up for you then learn to reduce your worries in life. If you get stuck in inaction learn how to up your enthusiasm and motivation quickly or to just take action anyway.
Find ways to turn bad days or moments into something positive once again.
7. Let other people help you out.
If you’re about to quit smoking ask others who have overcome the addiction what their best tips are. Do some research on/offline. This can save you pain, frustration and it can help you to keep going.
You can also tell people your goals to get accountability and motivation to take action. And you don’t have to go it alone. Finding someone who wants to make the same change that you want can make things easier.
8. Use laziness to your advantage.
I’m kinda lazy. But I use that to my advantage by for example not having any sweets or cookies in my cupboards. I only have healthy stuff there. Since I may feel the craving for something sweet or a snack from time to time but I am too lazy to go to the store I wind up eating what I have at home. A simple habit that has helped me to improve my health.
I also know that I am too lazy to go to the gym or go out running three times a week. So I workout at home. This has helped me to have very good consistency.
Such small, invisible barriers can have a great impact on your daily life. Remove them or use them or to your advantage.
9. Don’t confuse homeostasis with “time to give up”.
One big problem with making that change stick is homeostasis. What that means is that any system wants to be stable. That goes for you. And for the people around you.
So after the initial enthusiasm for your new change in life wanes it may not feel as that much fun anymore. It’s sort of enthusiasm backlash. This is the homeostasis kicking in within your mind (no matter if the goal/habit etc. is actually very positive for you). It’s a resistance to change to keep the system (you) stable. If you are simply aware of this being what it is – rather than a signal to give up – you can persevere, be patient and keep going more easily.
You should also be aware that the homeostasis may appear in the people around you too. Sure, you getting shape might be great. But it means changes in the lives of the people around you too (perhaps new food and nights spent running instead of watching TV with the family etc.). So the people around may react negatively in some way.
Realize that it is the homeostasis in them, not that they are being mean. It’s their brains doing what’s natural to keep the system (the family, circle of friends etc.) stable when “scary change” intrudes.
10. Use reminders in your environment.
I have written about this many times since it have found it very helpful for staying on track and making a change stick.
Simply write down your goals on paper and put them where you can’t avoid seeing them every day. Your fridge, bathroom mirror and workspace are such places.
Paper works fine for this but I have started using a medium sized whiteboard instead. There I can write – in big letters – what my main focus is, what my most important goals are and also any other important thought or perhaps quote that I want to be reminded of each and every day.
11. Don’t beat yourself up when you slip.
You will most likely have a few bad days and fall flat on your face even if you follow the tips above. The important thing here is to not be too hard on yourself and keep on beating yourself up for a week. That could certainly lead to giving up altogether. Plus, it’s kinda pointless.
Instead, learn what you can from the experience so you don’t have to repeat it too many times. Then get back on the horse again the next day. And keep going.
Look at it like this: 2010 will pass no matter what you do. You will arrive at New Year’s Eve this year too.
So if your fail or make some mistakes, so what? Since the time will pass no matter what you do you might as well try again. By doing that you can make 2010 your most awesome year yet.
“Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” Anthony Robbins
“Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough.” Charles Dudley Warner
Time is limited. The amount of time each day that you are able to focus and get things done is even smaller. You have a few precious hours.
You can get things done faster by for instance setting deadlines and by batching similar tasks (like answering all your emails in a row). That works very well.
But you don’t have to stop at just improving your practical methods. You can also improve how you think about these things. Or even what you think and don’t think about.
One thing I have worked on this year is simplifying how I do things and cutting out a lot of irrelevant – or less relevant – stuff. Because if you don’t cut out and simplify you will probably never find time, energy and the necessary focus to do and enjoy what is most important to you.
So here are 6 questions I have used this year and will use next year to make my life simpler, lighter and more positive. They help me to drop trash from my mind and to drop things I don’t really have to do.
I hope you find a couple of favorites – or are reminded of a few – that will help you to do the same in 2010.
1. Who cares?
This one has become a personal favorite this year. So simple, a bit ruthless and decisive in a way that cuts out the stuff that really doesn’t matter. Because a whole lot you imagine matters really doesn’t matter that much.
So whenever you feel like delving into some nitpicking or some pettiness ask yourself this question. Or whenever you feel an overwhelming need to be right in some discussion. Or whenever someone does those things to you.
Yes, nitpicking or having to be right can give you sort of high. You feel good. But it’s a dirty high. It never lasts for long. And you just create a lot of negativity within yourself and outside of yourself in the long run.
Asking yourself “who cares?” is a way to lighten up, to not take every little thing so seriously. It is a way be more open and relaxed with yourself and the people around you. It’s simply a way to be cool about stuff and be the one who is in control of your life. Instead of getting derailed by every little detail.
Variations of this question are:
Am I taking this too seriously?
Will this matter in 5 years?
Ask them too, find a favorite or use them all.
2. What is the most important thing I can do right now?
If you are lost in what to do next in your day, week or life, ask yourself this question. The answer might not always be what you want to hear because the most important thing is often one of the harder things you want to do too.
But it can help you to check your priorities and stop you from getting lost in busy work – or Facebook or checking some inboxes/blog statistics etc. over and over during the day – and instead start tackling the big stuff.
If you don’t feel like doing something even though you know it is important, check out the article I wrote a few days ago called How to Do Something Even When You Don’t Feel Like Doing It.
3. Would I rather be right or be happy?
I touched a bit on this in the first question. But this issue deserves some space of its own because I believe it is very common in all kinds of relationships.
Right in this question means the need to judge, the need to be right while interacting with other people. It’s not just about the guy who can’t be wrong in a discussion though.
It’s about the thought that you don’t always have to be against people or things. You don’t have to exist in a “me against someone else” headspace. You don’t have to defend positions all the time or build walls. You can let go of the mentality that says “someday I’ll show them all!” that may be based in some sad stories from your youth.
You can just relax, be cool and be with people instead of being against them in some subtle or not so subtle ways.
Feeling like you are right can bring pleasure. But as I mentioned in the first question: it is a short-sighted and dirty high that creates negativity in the long run.
And beyond that mental position there is a lot more connection and happiness to be found.
4. Am I in the present moment right now?
This is one of my personal favorites.
Both because it’s very easy to slip out of the present moment and back into negative and pointless thought loops about the past/future. And because it’s very beneficial to spend pretty as much of the time in your day as possible in the now. Why? I listed 7 reasons here:
Improved social skills.
Improved creativity.
You appreciate your world more.
Stress release.
Less worry-warting and overthinking.
Openness.
Playfulness.
If I find I’m not in present moment I reconnect with it by for instance:
Belly breathing. I take belly breaths and just focus my breathing for a minute.
Keeping the focus on the current external surroundings for minute. For example right now, I can look out of my window and see the Christmas decorations in the house next door. I see the plant in my window that probably needs some water. I hear a clock ticking. I feel that the floor is a bit cold. I use my senses to take in the world around me right now and to reconnect with the present moment.
Taking action. Taking action and doing things tends to put you in the present moment a lot of the time. It works pretty well for me at least.
5. Am I detached from the results?
If you are doing something – writing, playing a sport, holding a speech etc – you can really put obstacles in your own way by being attached to a certain result.
When it’s game-time, when you are out on the court, stay unattached to the outcome. Or you will get nervous and fumble. This is for when you are out there playing. In between those times you can think about your goals and possible outcomes.
But when you play/blog/work/are having some kind of social interaction etc. be present and stay unattached to the outcome. Just focus on what is in front of you.
Things will become easier. You will feel lighter and more focused. You’ll create less inner anxiety and pressure for yourself. And you will perform better because you are focusing on what’s right in front of you and not weighing yourself down with a lot of imagined or real expectations from other people and self-created negativity.
6. Is there anyone on the planet having it worse than me right now?
When I am stuck on focusing on the negatives, when I feel like a victim and that things are against me I ask myself this question.
The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.
This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation. After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like:
What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?
That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on the negatives and making yourself feel worse and worse.
“The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.“ E.M Gray
“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.” Jim Rohn
“With self-discipline most anything is possible.” Theodore Roosevelt
Often you have to do something you don’t feel that much like doing. Such is life. Maybe it’s telephone call where you risk rejection in some way. Maybe it is finishing a report or essay for work/school. Maybe it’s just about getting those dishes done or going to the gym.
So what do you do? Do you get up off the chair and get going? Or do you procrastinate and decide to do it “another day”?
I do a bit of both. But I have found a few ways to improve my consistency – one of the most important things for any kind of success – pretty dramatically and make things easier.
Step 1: Accept it.
When you feel resistance within towards doing something the natural instinct may be to try to push that feeling away. To brush it off. I have found that doing the opposite and just accepting that it is there can do wonders.
Tell yourself: “This is how I feel right now and I accept it”.
This sounds counterintuitive and perhaps like you’re giving up. However by accepting how you feel instead of resisting it you reduce the emotional energy that you are feeding into this problem. It then tends to just kinda lose speed like a car that runs out of fuel. And oftentimes it becomes so weak after while that it just moves out of your inner focus and disappears.
This step may be all you need to reduce the negative feelings enough to be able to start taking action. If not, move on to the next step.
Step 2: List the positives.
After you have accepted how you feel list the positives of getting this thing done. Do it on paper, on your computer or just in your head.
When you don’t feel like doing something it’s very easy to get stuck and just focus on the negative aspects such as it being hard work or the risk of pain or failure.
So you need to change what you are focusing on to motivate yourself to take action. Making a list of positives like benefits and possible opportunities can be very effective for turning your focus around.
If you have problems getting started ask yourself questions that will empower you. Questions like:
What is awesome about this situation?
What is the hidden opportunity in this situation?
You can pretty much always find positives about anything. There are lessons to be learned about yourself and your world and opportunities to be found if you look at things the right way.
Step 3: Just do it.
You should now have reduced much of the resistance within and feel more motivated to start taking action and getting your thing done.
It is at this point tempting to start thinking again. To reconsider and ponder. But I have found that if you do that then it easy to fall back into the same place where you began. You start to question doing this. Your focus starts to turn back to the negative aspects again.
So when I am at this point I usually just stop thinking and get my butt out of the chair. I get moving and I just do it.
