Image by kalandrakas.

Assuming rapport. This is definitely one of the best social skill tips I have ever learned about. Unfortunately I’ve forgotten a bit about it lately. Maybe you have too. Or missed it altogether. So I thought I’d bring it up again.

Now, what is assuming rapport?

Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking “how will this go?” you take different approach. You assume that you and the person(s) will establish a good connection (rapport).

How do you do that?

You simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one.

I have found that this advice is surprisingly useful and easy to implement.

Just before the meeting, you just think that you’ll be meeting a good friend. Then you’ll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind.

This also helps you and the other people to set a good frame for the interaction. A frame is always set in the at the start of an interaction. It might be a nervous and stiff frame, a formal and let’s-get-to-the-point kind of frame or perhaps a super relaxed one.

The thing is that the frame that is set in the beginning of the conversation is often one that may stay on for a while. First impressions last.

If it’s a very stiff frame then it may very well continue to be so until the end. It can be quite difficult to for instance change that frame into a more relaxed one. Often people – you and the others – adapt to the frame that is set and interact within it. Breaking or changing that frame may feel uncomfortable or a bit weird.

And so you and the others can become reluctant to do so and instead just play along.

First impressions last

So setting a good frame at the very beginning can bring more enjoyment and better results out of any kind of meeting.

That’s one of the reasons why it’s so useful to smile when you first meet someone. And it’s also important to consider that the impression made and frame set may not just last during the first conversation. It may continue throughout your relationship with this new friend, classmate or co-worker.

Now, meeting your best friend might not always be the best thing to think about before a meeting.

If it’s a meeting at work or in school then you may need to have use a more formal frame (for instance without hugs and the relaxed attitude you have with friends).

In that case you may want to try to imagine a similar meeting that went well and your interactions with the people there.

If you go into a conversation with the right frame of mind a lot of the problems you may have encountered before or created outside and inside your mind just never come up.

Much of communication is non-verbal and can be difficult to manually correct in a conversation.

But when you go in with a positive and relaxed energy then that is fed into the interaction by you using your non-verbal communication – like your voice tonality and body language – in good way.

Just be yourself

When you’re with your friend you don’t think about what you should say next or what funny comment you could pull out of your sleeve. You just stay in the present moment, moment by moment, and the conversation flows easily and naturally.

I think this is what some people mean when they give the often confusing advice to “just be yourself”. When your friends give you that advice then they may mean that you should be like you are when you are hanging out with us.

They want to see you bring out your natural and relaxed self in other interactions.

One final useful thing about assuming rapport is that you may also start to feel positive feelings towards this new person, just as you do with your friend when you meet him/her.

This is a pretty good starting point for getting the new person to reciprocate and for developing a good relationship.

Thomas Alva Edison was one of the most famous and hard-working inventors in history. When he died in 1931 he held 1093 patents in his name (though a lot of his inventions were collaborations).

Some of his most used inventions are of course the light bulb and the gramophone.

He also did quite a bit work to improve x-ray machines for while (until he almost lost his own eye-sight and an assistant died due to radiation poisoning). And he had a AC/DC-current war with the odd and fascinating inventor Nikola Tesla.

Here are a few of my favourite tips from Edison. They are all about success. And what kind of work and mindset achieving such a thing may require.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

One of the problems in life is that people just give up too soon. I think quite a big bit of this because of social programming and the expectations set by society. It’s seen as pretty normal to try once or maybe a few times and then give up.

There is also a ton of products, books and commercials that promises us that we can “Earn 20000 dollars in just 4 weeks” or “Easily lose 30 pounds in 30 days!”.

And we hear these messages over and over throughout life.

No wonder it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that everything should work out after about three tries or so.

When the promise of a quick fix is sold to us all the time and people around us are buying into it then it becomes easy just do the same thing. And align our expectations of the world around how things “should” work rather than how they work.

If one does not give up so quickly but tries perhaps 20-30 times or more there is a pretty good chance that success will come. If one keeps at it for not 3 weeks but 6 months then the likelihood of success often increases.

If not, then you may spend a lot of time in a cycle where you try a new quick fix, get discouraged quickly and give up, spend some cash on the next quick fix and getting overly enthusiastic and then continue the cycle by jumping from one magic bullet to another, never achieving much of a result.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Now, how do you reframe failure? How do you look at it so you don’t feel overwhelmed and give up? Well, you can look at failure as a part of a process. You look at it as ways that won’t work. You draw lessons from those ways. Then you let that go, focus on the present and try again (this time perhaps in a different way).

If you look at failure as something big, like it’s the end of the world you’ll probably be quite a bit afraid of it. And so it can feel too painful to go on after a few failures. Or you may never even try, since your mind is projecting all these horrible and painful future scenarios of what will happen if you try and fail.

Also, if you come from a place of abundance then failure has less power over you. Failure can be really useful if you learn to redefine it for yourself. The key is to develop an abundance mentality – where there is always an abundance of opportunities – instead of a more common scarcity mentality where there is always a lack. If you start to think about your world this way failure becomes less painful and the fear of missteps lessens.

Because with an abundance mentality you believe that there are more good opportunities out there even if you experience failure. So you are less inclined to give into fear and to pull away from taking a chance.

Failure still hurts even if you think about things this way. But then you think about what you can learn from the failure. And then you start over again. And in retrospect you often discover that your previous failure provided some very useful, perhaps even necessary lessons, for your latest project to grow as well as it does.

This way – seeing it as a process and have an abundance-mentality – is one way to reframe failure to keep yourself from giving up. If you look at it this way you’ll be less prone to lie down and just give up.

“The value of an idea lies in the using of it.”

Useful information is good. But you have to put it to use sometime or you’ll never reap any benefits or success. This is a pretty common problem when you for instance get interested in personal development. You get a lot of books, programs etc. and you study them. And then you get more.

Always looking for the magic bullet that will give you success without you having to do anything. Confusing yourself and feeling like you are making progress by reading another book.

That emotional high is dangerous because it can fool you into thinking that things are progressing.

But then a few months later nothing much has happened, except you have a lot of knowledge (and have probably forgotten half of it because your mind couldn’t retain it because you weren’t putting it into action). To get results you need to take action. That’s also the best way to really understand the information you have absorbed and possibly find ways to tweak and use it in an even better way for yourself.

“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.”

But just going for it, taking action and doing something isn’t enough. You have to ask yourself if what you are doing is useful? Or is it just another way to keep yourself busy, to keep yourself from doing what you really want to do?

You need to think about what you really want to do. You need to make plans. Then throughout your normal day you can remind yourself, by for instance using external reminders like written notes, to stay on track. To not get lost on the wrong track or in the busywork that is perhaps a normal routine or an easy escape from the things you’d like to do but that require more perspiration.

“Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.”

There is a myth that geniuses mostly just are geniuses and can do great things pretty much as easily as you and I tie our shoelaces. But what is seldom mentioned or seen is how much the really successful people work. And how far the people that just practise, practise, practise can go.

I think natural talent certainly plays a role. But I also think that it can become an excuse to slack off and never come close to your potential. To find something you can become really, really good at – perhaps even be regarded as genius at – I think you need to find something you really, really like to do. Otherwise, your inner motivation and passion will run out and you’ll probably show up less and less. Until you one day just give it up.

Maybe it wasn’t the thing for you. Maybe you grew apart from it.

And if that happens then you can try to find another thing that you really, really like to do.

Today I have gone without coffee for 30 days.

It’s been an interesting experiment.

I started drinking coffee at a pretty late age, probably around 22 or 23.

Since then I’ve consumed three cups or more every day.

Lately I’ve become more interested in my own personal energy. And being hooked on coffee is a bit like the curve above. :)

So I wanted to see how getting rid of the coffee would affect my energy, mood and effectiveness.

I know that some get off coffee by slowly decreasing the amount of coffee they consume each week and perhaps by replacing it with tea or non-caffeinated alternatives.

I took another approach.

30 days ago I came down with a bad cold and pretty much knew that I would spend a few days in bed doing nothing more than reading and watching some TV.

I also knew that going without coffee would make me very sleepy.

So I combined the two things. I stopped drinking coffee and then I was sleeping a lot the next few days.

This made it easier to get through the most unpleasant days of sneezing and having a fever. And since I wasn’t doing anything special anyway it was OK to feel drowsy and sleep a lot.

Towards the end of that week my cold had decreased in power and so had my sleepiness.

Since then it’s been no problem to not drink coffee and I have experienced some positive benefits.

The big one is that my ability to focus has improved. That has affected my life in a few ways:

• It has become easier to focus just on the task in front of me and shut out the rest of the distractions.
• I’m less prone to procrastination. I didn’t really notice it while I was drinking coffee but my mind seemed to wander off in all kinds of ways a lot of the time. Now it’s easier to single-task and focus on one thing and I don’t feel the same need to check email or other distracting stuff.
• I’m calmer. I’m a calm person to begin with but getting off coffee calmed and slowed my brain down. So I feel more relaxed more of the time. And it’s easier to think with clarity.

Getting of coffee has been a positive experience for me. It’s actually had more of a positive effect than I would have expected. I thought I would feel a little less stressed overall but it has made a significant dent in my ability to focus and concentrate. I also used to feel tired after a meal and used coffee immediately after the meal to boost my energy levels. Now I have a much more even energy-curve throughout the day.

So I’ll continue to stay coffee free and perhaps sprinkle in a cup of green tea or two once in while. I would recommend trying to go coffee free for 30 days and see how it affects your mind, body and life.

One way is do it like I did and go cold-turkey (perhaps the next time you’re ill or during some vacation days over the holidays). Another way is the one where you slowly decrease the amount of coffee you consume each week. And perhaps replace some of the coffee with less caffeinated teas or a couple of cups of decaf. If you get bad withdrawal symptoms then the second method may be the most useful one.

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.”
W. M. Lewis

One big problem with trying to improve your life simply is that sometimes you never seem to be able to get started. You say to yourself: There is never really time.

Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes you’re just procrastinating or postponing for some reason.

There is often quite a bit of inner resistance when trying to get started.

If you have trouble getting started here are at least a few tips you can try. I hope that you’ll find them helpful.

1. Choose something you really want.

One reason that you may never seem to get started is because your heart is not in it. If you set a goal but it isn’t your goal then it will be hard to achieve or even getting started with it.

If you realize that it’s a goal set by people around you – parents, teachers, bosses or society in general – then, when possible, eliminate the goal and set a few goals you would like to achieve.

Or try to find you own motivation and reasons for achieving a goal rather than the ones people around you have set. This could put the goal in different light and suddenly you’ll feel a whole lot motivated to get started.

2. Research and make a plan.

Downsides and problems that we imagine before getting started are often just in our heads. They are a bunch of excuses or opinions based on something you heard from someone at one time or another. Do a bit of your own research instead. Read books, do some googling and ask people who have actually been where you want to go.

With a bit of research you can often reduce your inner resistance and anxieties and find more positive benefits in getting started.

After you have done some research and know a bit more about your goal and the road towards it create a plan. Creating a plan, writing down when you have to do this and that can also calm you down and lessen much of the fuzzy anxiety and fear that can hold you back from getting started. With a clearer image of what you can do and how you should go about it a big chunk of your negative feelings will become less powerful.

3. Ask yourself: What is the worst that could happen?

After you have done some research and made a plan you will probably have lessened your fears and anxieties a bit. If you still feel like you can’t get started ask yourself: what is the worst that can happen?

A lot of the fear we feel before getting started comes from fuzzy and foggy thoughts about what could happen. But if you actually imagine the worst scenario then it’s often not as frightening as you thought. You won’t die or anything. And it won’t ruin the rest of your life.

Imagine the worst scenario and then try to create a plan how you could get on your feet again if that scenario, against all probability, should happen. You’ll probably realize that whatever your fear is you could probably get back on your feet and back to normal life pretty quickly once again.

4. Make it easy on yourself.

You don’t have to overcomplicate things. If you do there is bigger chance that you’ll give up before what you started becomes a habit.

Making it easier on yourself will make it easier to get started.

So, for instance, instead of buying a membership at the gym that is located 20 minutes away from your house to improve your aneoarobic capacity invest in Stairmaster. And start working out while watching TV, playing videogames or doing some reading.

5. Pump your emotional state.

If you just need a boost in motivation to head down the gym for the first time or try out something new there is a whole bunch of techniques you can use. Some of my favourites are guided mediation cds, changing your physiology to change how you feel and listening to inspirational material. You can find 25 ways to motivate yourself here and even more motivation tips here.

6. Find encouragement and help from other people.

You may for instance find a buddy who also wants to start working out in a gym. So you motivate each other to get going and to continue that habit.

I think this can become an excuse though. If you don’t have friend that wants to start working out with you don’t let that stand in your way.

You can find motivation from others in other places. Start reading workout blogs and get involved in that community. Or start a blog of your own. Or start participating in a forum or two to find the support and help you may need.

7. Just do it.

If you are sitting around just procrastinating day in and day out just stop over-thinking. Shut off you brain. Just put on your clothes – or sit down at the phone, computer or wherever you need to be – and go and just do it. When our thoughts and feelings and constantly holding us back then I think that you sometimes just need to stop listening to them and take action.

This is easy to say of course. It’s a bit harder to do and to develop into a consistent habit. But it is possible. Thinking has its place but it isn’t action. No matter how much you think you still need to take action. Developing a just do it habit can make taking action easier and will stop you from wasting a lot of time going over different scenarios – that are mostly negative – over and over in your head.

Just getting going and doing something even if your thoughts and feelings want to hold you back becomes easier if you have small list of positive benefits in your mind or on a piece of paper. Then you know why you should go even if you don’t feel like it and are having negative and self-defeating thoughts and feelings at the moment.

And if you think back to the times in past when you first felt hesitant you may remember that those negative feelings pretty quickly were replaced with more positive ones. And you were happy that you got started. It’s pretty likely that the same thing will happen this time too.

8. Learn about time management.

If your troubles getting started actually just are based in a lack of time have a look at these 6 Questions to Help You Free Up Time. Or check out this article on the 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People. Hopefully you’ll find a few tips that can help you manage your time better and finally get started with that thing you’ve been wanting to do for some time now.

“Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.”
Seneca

Having goals is important because they map out a direction in your life, they challenge you to grow and over time they can help you achieve things that you at one point may have seen as just impossible. Setting personal goals is important because if you don’t then you’ll probably spend a lot of time working to fulfill the goals of others.

Here are a few problems I’ve run into and mistakes that I’ve made while setting goals.

1. Not writing your goals down.

If you don’t write you goals down you will have a hard time to keep them in mind. It will be unnecessarily difficult keep your focus on what you want instead of all the random things that show up in your day to day life.

If you write them down then it will be easier to remember. It will also often be easier to describe and develop the goals and to find more goals if you use writing rather than just your mind. Writing you goals down can bring clarity to what you actually want.

2. Not having a system for remembering them.

Writing your goals down is a good start. But to keep them in mind beyond the first few days after set them you need a system. Otherwise it’s likely that you’ll veer off course and forget about your goals for days or weeks. And then you’ll have start over.

One way to remember your goals each day is to use external reminders. You can, for instance, write your goals on a piece of paper and put it where you can’t avoid seeing it. Examples of such places are your bathroom mirror, fridge or computer.

3. Not reviewing and rewriting your goals often enough.

This one is more about your journey towards a goal than setting the goal. But it’s closely related to the previous mistake so I’ve decided to include it.

Short written reminders are great for remembering your goals. But from time to time you’ll also need to review your goals and see where you stand. And then you may need to adjust your goals depending on what has happened and what you have learned so far. Reviewing your goals regularly can also give you a helpful dose of motivation when you feel that you are having hard time staying on track.

How often should you review and rewrite you list of goals? Well, I guess there are a lot of different answers for that question.

But the more you do it the sharper and more refined your focus and goals are likely to be. An experienced self-improvement speaker like Brian Tracy often suggests that you go so far as to review and rewrite your goals every morning.

If there is nothing to adjust, write it down anyway. Writing it down will make a bigger impression on your mind than just thinking about it. And each time you do that the importance of your goal will be reinforced in your mind. To actually remember to do this, use an external reminder like for instance a calendar.

4. Setting goals you don’t really feel for/are interested in.

What are your goals? This is crucial. As much as possible, you have to set the goals for yourself.

Should and ought to-goals isn’t good enough. Or goals that other’s have set for you. Or other people’s goals.

Think about your goals. Think about who has set them. Then think about what you really want in life. Then set your own goals.

It has to be your goals and you have to have a real interest in them to increase your chances to achieve them. Plus, when it’s your own goals instead of ones imposed upon you the journey towards them becomes a whole lot more enjoyable. And so, everyday life – the bulk of your life – becomes more enjoyable.

5. Not setting clear goals.

Make the goals specific, measurable and think about them in present tense.

Don’t go for more visitors for your website or just for running more. Go for a thousand visitors a day or running for 20 minutes three times a week. The more detailed picture you have of where you want to go, the more likely you are to actually get there.

If you don’t make your goals measurable then how will you know when you have achieved them? You will never be done with the goal of “making more money”. But you’ll know when you have achieved a goal of “earning 5000 dollars a month”.

The goals you think about and write down have to be in present tense too. Not: I will run for 20 minutes three times a week. You have to write: I run for 20 minutes three times a week.

Why? Well, your subconscious mind needs clear direction of what is to be achieved. If you put your goal in an “I will…” form you mind will always strive to bring the goal of running into your life sometime in the future. It will always be out of reach. To actually bring the goal into your life, into the present moment, you have to write it down in present tense.

6. Not setting deadlines.

Setting deadlines for yourself can be useful to actually finish something. If you don’t you’ll probably spend a lot of time procrastinating and getting things almost done.

When setting deadlines it’s helpful to give yourself some wiggle room. If you’re doing a project at work or in school set a deadline with a bit of margin. If something goes wrong, which it often does, or something unexpected comes up you’ll still have time to get it done.

Plus, we often have problems estimating how much time a task or project needs. So don’t let your initial enthusiasm do all the thinking. Setting totally unrealistic deadlines won’t save you time. You’ll just be forced to go back after you’ve passed the deadline to fix all those mistakes you made while hurrying and being stressed out.

7. Not making a plan.

For some goals you just need to write a 1000 words a day or run for 20 minutes a day. But even then you probably need a small plan to find free time in your schedule. For other goals you need a more elaborate plan. In those cases I think that it’s good to do a bit of research and educate yourself before making the plan.

Just a bit of research can help you solve or avoid problems along the way. Do some googling. Ask someone who has been where you want to go where they ran into difficulties and what tips they can share. Educating yourself can help you save time, money and energy. And help you avoid anxiety and frustration.

When you are writing your plan make it practical and specific. And write down actions you can start taking today to get going on your journey towards that goal. It’s useful to always write down small, practical steps you can take so you know what to do next.

But don’t plan so much that you never get started. There is no perfect plan. Things will probably not go as planned. Unexpected things will happen and you will have to adjust your plan to keep yourself on course. Adjusting your plan once in while can also allow you to find a better, easier and more enjoyable path to where you’re going.

8. Not reviewing previous failures.

Failures can be useful to learn something about yourself and the world. If you review your failures you can get a hang of where your weaknesses lie. Where you are likely to run into problems?

If you identify such weak points in yourself you can be prepared for when they may strike and lessen the blow. Or you can start looking for solutions to avoid at least some of the trouble spots along the way towards your goal.

An example: you realize that a few days after setting goals you often seem to forget about them. One solution could then be to learn to use external reminders to keep your mind on track.

9. Not keeping your focus in the right place.

Sometimes it can better to focus on the process rather than an outcome in the form of a distant, future goal. Instead of setting a goal that you will lose 10 pounds by December 31 and making intricate plans to get there you can set a goal to do 20 minutes of anaerobic exercise each day (walking, swimming, running etc.).

And then just do it. Don’t think, just go, go out and do your exercise.

Sometimes can be useful to set a very simple goal where you focus on the present rather than some distant goal. If you exercise every day there will be less room for your mind to find great excuses to slack off and procrastinate until December 21.

And if you have a goal where you can just go and do it, where there is little to think about you’re less likely to be drawn into the trap of over-thinking. As soon as you start to over-think things there’s a big chance that you will start to hold yourself back in different ways.

Just doing it and keeping your focus on the process and present can be helpful to get better and more consistent results and to reduce self-defeating tendencies.