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[hana-code-insert name=’social down’ /]“The greatest waste in the world is the difference between what we are and what we could become.”
Ben Herbster

“The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.”
Marcus Aurelius

It’s a fresh new year.

Although you can make a positive change in your life at any time most people get an extra dose of enthusiasm around this time of the year. That’s only natural.

But how do you go about making changes that will stick? How do you not wind up in the same place where you started a few weeks or months from now?

Below is a simple guide that will help you to stay on track and help you overcome or avoid some of the most common problems that people encounter when they are trying to make a change.

Choose something YOU really want.

It’s easy to tipsily declare your New Year’s resolution for 2011 when you got a glass of champagne in your hand. Or to just say something to not look totally unambitious when people ask you. But do you actually want it?

Maybe you don’t really want it that much. But the world around seems to want it. This doesn’t mean that you can’t achieve it. But it is a lot better to focus on what YOU really want. Both to steer your life in the direction you yourself want and to create positive internal motivation instead of external pressure you feel you have to live up to. Focusing and working on what you really want to achieve makes it much easier to actually make that change stick.

How do you find out what you really want to do? By thinking and by experimenting and just trying things out (the image you have of something in your head can be very different from the actual experience). Get to know what you really want in your life.

Choose a main focus.

Consider choosing one main area of life to focus on each year. This makes it easier to actually get a lot of things done and taking massive action instead of getting lost in too many commitments and getting worn out by trying to balance all areas of life.

In 2011 I will be focusing on expanding and growing my business (this website, my newsletter and my products). I have also set a smaller, secondary focus on developing and expanding and my social life and deepening relationships even more. These is the same two focuses I had last year and the ones that I want to keep working on and exploring even more this year.

Think about what area of your life that you really want to focus on. It may be the area you know deep down that needs to most improvement. Or the area that you think you will reap the greatest rewards by improving (that is how I chose my two focuses).

Find a way that fits you.

Different things fit different people. It did for example take me quite some time of trying different ways to do cardio exercise before I finally found body weight exercises. And it did take me a while to find productivity habits that makes me very consistent.

Experiment and find what works for you and what fits your personality. This will make it a lot easier to stick to your positive change and develop a relaxed consistency.

Set the goal but focus on the daily process.

I for instance use this when I write and when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up and doing my workout/writing. The results – I become stronger and the website/my products grow – come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take action when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”.

Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day.

Let other people help you out.

This is so important. Do not try to do it all alone. If you’re about to quit smoking ask others who have overcome the addiction what their best tips are. Do some research online and offline. This can save you pain, frustration and it can help you to keep going.

You can also tell people your goals – face to face, via email, on Facebook or your blog etc. – to get accountability and motivation to take action. And you don’t have to go it alone. Finding someone – an accountability buddy – who wants to make the same change that you want can make things easier.

Use laziness to your advantage.

I’m kinda lazy. But I use that to my advantage by for example not having any sweets or cookies in my cupboards. I only have healthy stuff there. Since I may feel the craving for something sweet or a snack from time to time but I am too lazy to go to the store I wind up eating what I have at home. A simple habit that has helped me to improve my health.

I also know that I am too lazy to go to the gym or go out running three times a week. So I workout at home. This has helped me to have very good consistency.

Such small, invisible barriers can have a great impact on your daily life in the long run. Remove them or use them or to your advantage.

Use reminders in your environment.

I have written about this many, many times since it have found it very helpful for staying on track and making a change stick.

Simply write down your goals on paper and put them where you can’t avoid seeing them every day. Your fridge, bathroom mirror and workspace are such places.

Paper works fine for this but since last year I use a medium sized whiteboard instead . There I can write – in big letters – what my main focus is, what my most important goals are and also any other important thought or perhaps quote that I want to be reminded of each and every day.

Don’t beat yourself up when you slip.

You will most likely have a few bad days and fall flat on your face even if you follow the tips above. The important thing here is to not be too hard on yourself and keep on beating yourself up for a week. That could certainly lead to giving up altogether. Plus, it’s kinda pointless.

Instead, learn what you can from the experience so you don’t have to repeat it too many times. Then get back on the horse again the next day. And keep going.

Look at it like this: 2011 will pass no matter what you do. You will arrive at New Year’s Eve this year too.

So if your fail or make some mistakes, so what? Since the time will pass no matter what you do you might as well try again. By doing that you can make this your most awesome year yet.

Take one small step today.

Don’t get stuck in planning. Or thinking that you will get started tomorrow or next week. Get the ball rolling instead. Do that today by just taking one small step towards what you want.

– – – P.S – – –

Thank you so much to the 1238 people that participated in the short survey before the holidays. You have been a great help and given me new insights on how I can help you even better in 2011.

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[hana-code-insert name=’social down’ /]“May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart!”
Eskimo proverb

The holidays are here. There are Christmas decorations in almost every window, it’s freezing outside and the huge amounts of snow is glittering in the sunlight.

The holidays bring a lot of things. There is great food, awesome presents and wonderful company as you spend time with the people closest to you. But there is also the stress and sometimes negativity that often comes with the holidays.

So you may feel the need to relax and let go of some negativity.

Here are four simple and effective tips for doing just that.

1. Slow down.

First, slow down. Even if it may feel silly and if you have to force it a bit. Slow down your body, move and walk slowly.

Breathe slower and more deeply with your belly (and focus on doing just that for two minutes and see what happens).

Slow down your eating (this will not only help you to relax, it will also help you to not eat too much during the holidays since it takes about 20 minutes for your brain to register that you are full.)

Slow it all down and pay attention to what you are doing. Be here now and focus on doing just one thing at a time. By slowing down, by being here now, by not having your focus split between many things you, your body and your mind start to relax.

The stress you feel from doing the things does not come from the things, it comes from how you go about doing them.

2. Take it easy with those expectations.

Things take time. Especially around the holidays as stores, roads etc. are overflowing with people. It is just how it is and if you don’t accept that then it’s going to be some stressful and frustrated days ahead.

Take this into consideration when you make practical plans. Realize that things may take longer than you originally planned for.

And realize that even though that Christmas etc. is supposed to be a sort of perfect time of the year nothing will ever be perfect (not for long at least). Striving for or expecting perfection can be pretty dangerous.

Because you will never feel like you, what you do or what you get is good enough. Even though what you do, for example, is just fine 90 percent of the time you still feel deep inside like you are not OK. No matter what you do.

You have set the bar at an inhuman level. If you expect perfection around the holidays – or around any time of the year – then your self esteem will stay low, your stress levels will shoot up and you will feel disappointed even though things may have indeed been very good overall.

3. Tap into gratitude.

Where you put your focus does to a large degree determine how you feel and think.

Focus on the stress and how hard everything is and you will feel and think about just that. Focus on the positive things in your life right now and you will feel a lot better and think happier thoughts. Your day becomes lighter.

One of the quickest ways to shift your focus is simply to appreciate the positive things in your life right now. To be grateful for what you have.

Two ways of doing that are:

• The two minute exercise. If you’re feeling negative or stressed out use just two minutes in your day to reflect upon things that you are grateful for. It’s a small and quick thing to do but it can have a big effect on your mood – it’s hard to not feel like smiling after those two minutes – and how you view your life. Ask yourself: “what can I appreciate in my life right now? and “what can I be grateful for that I may have been taking for granted this year?”.
• The gratitude journal. Basically the same exercise as above. But here you quickly jot down 5 things you are grateful for in a journal. Do this for a few minutes each day or each week. Review the journal whenever you feel the need. Very simple but effective.

4. Take a break.

Working nonstop can sour your mood and stress anyone out. Slow down but also remember to take breaks. Take 20 minutes or half an hour to just rest.

Take a walk in the crisp and cold winter landscape. Escape via music, a book you got for Christmas or by watching classic holiday movies/TV (I usually watch some of the best Christmas-themed Simpsons episodes around this time of the year like Mr. Plow and Marge Not Be Proud).

Do something that snaps you out of the working, shopping and preparing mindset, even if it is just for while. That short change in scenery and change of mental headspace may be all you need to feel revitalized again.

That’s it. I hope you find something helpful here. Happy holidays everybody!

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“Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough.”
Charles Dudley Warner

“You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.”
Naguib Mahfouz

A couple of weeks ago I posted an article that can help you to cut the irrelevant stuff out of your life. Today I would like to share five more questions that can help you to make 2011 a happier, simpler and lighter year.

1. If I was just told that I had to go away for a conference or vacation tomorrow and it would last for a whole week then what would I spend today doing?

This is a wonderful question to help you get your priorities in check.

If you feel lost at the start of your week or day or get lost in busy work then stop. Then ask yourself this question to refocus on what is the absolutely most important.

2. Would I rather be right or be happy?

I believe this question reflects a very common challenge in all kinds of relationships.

Right in this question means the need to judge, the need to be right while interacting with other people. It’s not just about the guy who can’t be wrong in a discussion though.

It’s about the thought that you don’t always have to be against people or things. You don’t have to exist in a “me against someone else” headspace. You don’t have to defend positions all the time or build walls. You can let go of the mentality that says “someday I’ll show them all!” that may be based in some sad stories from your youth.

You can just relax, be cool and be with people instead of being against them in some subtle or not so subtle ways.

Feeling like you are right can bring pleasure. But it is a short-sighted and dirty high that creates negativity in the long run.

And beyond that mental position there is a lot more connection and happiness to be found.

3. Am I detached from the results?

If you are doing something – writing, playing a sport, holding a speech etc – you can really put obstacles in your own way by being attached to a certain result.

When it’s game-time, when you are out on the court, stay unattached to the outcome. Or you will get nervous and fumble. This is for when you are out there playing. In between those times you can think about your goals and possible outcomes.

But when you play/blog/work/are having some kind of social interaction etc. be present and stay unattached to the outcome. Just focus on what is in front of you.

Things will become easier. You will feel lighter and more focused. You’ll create less inner anxiety and pressure for yourself. And you will perform better because you are focusing on what’s right in front of you and not weighing yourself down with a lot of imagined or real expectations from other people and self-created negativity.

4. Is there anyone on the planet having it worse than me right now?

When I am stuck on focusing on the negatives, when I feel like a victim and that things are against me I ask myself this question.

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.

This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation. After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like:

What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on the negatives and making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Can I let this go?

So much of our time is spent not here but in the past. We relive old conflicts and arguments. We replay negative situations that may have happened last week or a really long time ago.

A terrible thing about this is how it is considered such a normal thing. People just do it day after day and in many cases year after year. It is a horrible waste of energy and the time you have here.

In some cases you may have to take action to resolve an old situation and get closure. You perhaps bring up the situation with the people involved to get them to understand and for you to better understand them too. And/or maybe you apologize or forgive.

But in many cases you can just let it go. Well, just letting it go is perhaps something of an oversimplification. But a few steps that have helped me to become better at letting go are these:

• Be ready to give up the benefits of not letting go. You may not want to let go because it makes you feel superior to someone else or because it makes you feel like a victim and so you receive attention and sympathy. To let go you have give up benefits like these.
• Accept it and then let go. I like acceptance. I like it because when you accept something instead of resisting it you stop feeding more energy into your problem and making it even bigger. A bit counterintuitive. This is also useful when it comes to letting go. If you first accept what you want to let go you aren’t so emotionally attached to it and still feeding it with your focus and energy. And so it becomes less powerful and easier to just drop. As long as you resist it then it will be hard to let it go.
• Let it go if it shows up again. In my experience it’s pretty common that what you let go shows up in your thoughts again. And that’s OK. Just let it go each time it shows up. After a while it stops showing up.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

“A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.”

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.”

Back in the 20:th century there lived a writer in France and the US who had one of my favorite names of all time. Anaïs Nin was a writer of journals that spanned over many decades and presented her view of her personal life and relationships. She was also one of the most critically celebrated writers of erotica.

Anaïs Nin is the source of a few of my favorite quotes of all time. Today I would like to share those and a few more.

1. You are the lens.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

This was one of the biggest revelations I had when I first got into personal development.

I realized that the world was perhaps not fixed in some pattern. I realized that I was mistaking my view of the world with the world itself.

Because the world can be viewed from many different points. And it does change according to who is watching it.

An optimistic person will for example notice the opportunities, things to be grateful for and that even though things may be hard or bad right now they will change once again.

The pessimist will likely stay stuck in inaction, think that his or her world will not change and look down on the optimist as some gullible and naive fool and that way find a way to feel superior and good about himself/herself.

I have tried both ways in my life. I highly recommend going the optimistic route.

Here is an post that can help you with that.

This quote is also interesting because it helps you realize that what you see in your world can also say things about you.

• If you find a lot of hostility and standoffishness towards you in your world then perhaps you are more like that than you would like to think too?
• If something about people irritates you then perhaps it is because that quality is something you yourself have and it is something you do not like about yourself?

Think about your world and what it can tell you about yourself. Think about yourself and how you may be interpreting the world in ways that do not serve you very well.

Think about how you could become the change you want to see in your own world.

2. A new world is out there waiting.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

This is a wonderful thing. If you are open then you can always learn new things from new people. And they can learn from you. And so ideas, new music and fashion, movies and books and recipes are floating between the two of you.

There are of course also other less tangible things that build the world between you such as acceptance, love, understanding and just listening. And these are things you can help each other to get better at too.

So seek out new friends. Friends that will help you. And seek out  friends that aren’t necessarily that much like you because it is there where the both of you can learn much.

3. The balance will tip.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

What is holding people back from really making a change in their lives?

I believe that one big reason is simply what Nin says above.

At some point you have had enough. You understand that this cannot stand anymore. The balance of risk and pain has tipped and you just must change.

Three tips that can help you:

• Ride on the emotion but have a plan. Even though the emotion of having had enough and so on can propel you forward you also need a plan because that emotion can weaken. So plan. And write down that plan in steps. Keep the plan as simple as you can and focus on just taking one step until it is done and then focus on the next step.
• Talk to people who have gone where you want to go. Find the information that can help you to grow in the way that you want. Talk to people and read what have been written in books and online. But be sure to only listen to people who have actually gone where you want to go. Life is too short to waste on the advice of people who just want to say something or are an armchair theorist.
• Gather the support. Find the people who can support you in your change. This can be people but also influences from books, blogs, online forums, offline clubs and so on. Shape your environment so that you spend more time with people and influences that will support you (or at least are neutral). Do not let a few naysayers hold you back. But at the same time be careful about dismissing advice from concerned people.

4. Put in the work if you want the results.

“Good things happen to those who hustle.”

This year I have understood more than ever the value of hustling and putting in a lot of focused work. And so I have put together three books. This website is a lot more popular than ever before. The income I receive from this business has increased quite a bit.

I have understood that if I work smart I can do a lot more than I used to do. And if I work both smart and hard I will reap even more awesome results.

5. Creativity happens in everyday life.

“My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living.”

When I talk about my blog with people in the regular offline world one of the most common questions I get is: Where do you get all the ideas from and don’t you run out of them?

My answer is that I don’t run out of ideas because they come from life. I talk to someone about something and an idea for an article springs to life. I see a billboard or the frontpage of a newspaper when I am out and about. I watch the winter snow outside my window while writing these words.

All these things can give me the seed that becomes an article later on.

The important thing is to keep your mind open. To not worry or fret about not having ideas when things are going slow because then you will block your own mind and creativity.

To always carry something to capture your ideas in – I have a cell phone and most often a pen and paper in my coat pocket – because otherwise they tend to fly away just as quickly as they popped into your mind.

It is also important to keep a list of some sort of all the ideas you get – they tend to come to you in small flocks – so that when you feel uninspired or lazy you can just take an idea from your collection and start creating anyway.

Because on those days inspiration tends to catch up to you after you have put in some work.

“Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.”

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.”

“What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.”

Deaf. Blind.

Helen Keller didn’t start out back in the 1880’s with the cards stacked in her favor. But with the help of patient people she learned to communicate better with the world and went on to write books, work for women’s right to vote and became on of the most inspiring people of the 20:th Century according to Time Magazine.

Keller obviously summoned and created a great deal of courage and character to be able to do all that she did. Here are a few of her brave, tough, reality expanding thoughts.

Use your experiences to build character.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

To get real results you have to try things out, perhaps fail and then learn from those failures and try again. And that may not always be pleasant. Even if you view failures and mistakes like learning experiences they can still sting, especially shortly after they happened.

But you can also know that when it stings you have at least done something and that you can gather lessons from this. Instead of a feeling safe but also vaguely feeling that you’re not living up to your potential as you sit on your hands doing or trying nothing. As Keller says, you cannot develop character and success through quiet and ease. You must do things and go through things to become stronger and wiser.

Don’t cling to your illusion of safety.

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.”

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature…. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

You cannot sit on your hands and take it easy and hope to get things done. At least not the things you really want to get done (which often may be the things you fear doing).

Why do people sit on their hands and get comfortable in their ease and quiet though? Well, one big reason is because they think they are safe there. But the truth is what Keller says; safety is mostly a superstition. It is created in your mind to make you feel safe. But there is no safety out there really. It is all uncertain and unknown.

You may get layed off.
Someone may break up with you and leave.
Illness will probably strike.
Death will certainly strike in your surroundings and at some point come to visit you too.
Who knows what will happen an hour from now?

This superstition of safety is not just something negative. It’s also created by your mind so you can function in life. No point in going all paranoid about what could happen a minute from now day in and day out. But there is also not that much point in clinging to an illusion of safety. So you need to find balance where you don’t obsessed by the uncertainty but also recognize that it is there and live accordingly.

So you stop clinging to your safety life also becomes a whole lot more exciting and interesting. You are no longer as confined by an illusion and realize that you set your limits for what you can do and to a large extent create your own freedom in the world. You are no longer building walls to keep yourself safe as those walls wouldn’t protect you anyway. You can instead start your own daring adventure. Perhaps slowly at first, but still.

Face reality head on.

“People do not like to think. If one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant.”

How to view reality is a tricky thing. On one hand, it’s very useful to keep a positive attitude and view your world through that.

But you also have to avoid using positivity as a way to repress real problems in your life. Repressing won’t help you. It will just keep the problem away as time passes and oftentimes deepens and complicates the problem / conflict.

So you have to face reality for what it is in a way too. And as you probe deeper into your life and your surroundings what you come up with will not always be pleasant. One example would be the previous point in this article about safety.

But to grow I think you have to arrive at these conclusions too. Because as tip # 1 in this article says, you have to go through things to develop character, strength and success. I also think you need to arrive at the unpleasant conclusions to gain a deeper understanding.

And although these conclusions may be unpleasant at first they may also be a gateways and turning points for you. They can over time provide some real leaps of growth for you. If you face them and explore them and start to draw understanding and lessons from them. And then start to rewrite your map of the world.

You choose how you treat yourself. And how you want to be treated.

“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.”

“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.”

One of the age old words of wisdoms I have heard repeated over and over basically says that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So even though it may sound counterintuitive, deep inside you do to a large extent decide how the world treats you.

You decide if you let an insult hurt you or if you just reject that gift. You also decide how you want to be treated by the way you behave and how you feel about yourself within. How you feel about yourself and how you feel entitled to/expect to be treated by other people will come through perhaps not in your words but in the important non-verbal communication. Your body language and voice tonality – a big, big part of communication – will give people signals and feelings about how you feel about yourself and what you expect and feel entitled to.

So you do to a large extent create other people’s responses to you. And that starts with how you feel about yourself. One awesome way to self-sabotage here is to fall into self-pity and victim thinking. It can paralyze you and get your thoughts spinning in all kinds of unproductive and unhelpful ways. Sometimes for a very long time.

Sure, self pity and victim thinking gets you attention from others and can make you feel special. But if you look at things from a larger perspective you also realize how it paralyzes your life. When you’re stuck in self-pity you won’t get much good done, neither for you or anyone else. At least not in the way that you could be doing things and feeling good about life if you gave up those destructive thought patterns.

One last and important thing on this topic: people around you will reinforce how you feel about yourself by treating you as they think is appropriate. That reinforces your self-image. This social feedback can be a powerful force that strengthens your and other people’s image of you. No matter if that image is one filled with victim thinking or if it’s one with high self-confidence and positivity.

Impossible is nothing.

“While they were saying among themselves it cannot be done, it was done.”

Yeah, the sub-heading for this section might sound a like an exaggeration. But Keller and the people around her really pulled something amazing off. Becoming such an inspirational figure from such a bad starting point at that point in history couldn’t have been easy at all. It was probably something no one expected.

And isn’t life and history full of those things? People standing in groups of various kinds saying that things can’t be done. And then someone goes for it and does it anyway.

The opinions of others can be helpful. But to take them as fact could be very limiting. Perhaps all of them don’t say things because they know much of those things but because they are stuck in a pessimistic perspective. Or want to cling to the safety they have created within.

Keep on keeping on.

“We can do anything we want to do if we stick to it long enough.”

Now, doing amazing things will probably not happen over a weekend. One big reason that people don’t get what they want may just be that they give up too soon. Perhaps because of a magic pill mentality where their expectations about success are stuck within a too small time-frame.

To get the results you have stick with it. You have to persist. Not all people do. So the longer you persist the thinner the playing field can become. But how can you persist?

Three suggestions:

• Find what you really, really want to do. This will give you the sustained inner motivation to keep going.
• List the reasons why to keep going. It’s easy to forget about all the good things that can come out of keeping on going. So you need to remind yourself. Write down all the reasons why you are doing what you are doing and review that piece of paper regularly.
• Shape your own little world. Choose what you let into your mind. Choose the books, music, movies and people that will inspire and support you. Minimize the negative influences from media, various websites and naysayers. Don’t let other people and influences pull you down and back to where you started.

Be open and flexible.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

This is one of my favorite quotes. How often do we not miss the window of opportunity in a new situation just because we are still angry, sad or frustrated about that other door that just closed?

To me this is another powerful reason to remind myself to stay in the present. To not get stuck and hung up on missed opportunities. When you are living in the present – which is a way to live on the positive and open part of the emotional scale too – and not stuck in the past I have found that it’s a lot easier to find the hidden opportunities in any situation.

So whenever you see a door of happiness closing, take your eyes off it at least pretty shortly after. And instead of letting your awareness linger on what is in the past, use your time and focus to find the new opportunity to continue your daring adventure.

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