Here’s a thing that I didn’t really pay attention to for quite a while.

I guess it became a kind of blind spot. Finding this obstacle and being able to remove it on a consistent basis has made things a lot easier and more enjoyable. I think it will be helpful to me this year and that’s why it’s the first thing I would like to share with you in 2008.

One problem with being involved in personal development is that you can get a bit too serious. There are a lot of big, perhaps life-changing words, choices and products in this field. So there is naturally often a pretty serious tone overall.

This is good because it can help people to take their life and time seriously and make them less prone to waste such valuable things.

But having a too serious mindset isn’t that great all the time. It can lead to taking things way too seriously and create big problems and negative feelings and events from pretty much nothing. Lightening up can help you to drop unimportant stuff and leave you with more time and energy for the really important things in your life.

Now. This may sound all well and good but how do you actually lighten up consistently or at all? Here’s what I have done.

Realize that you are not your thoughts or emotions.

One key to being able to lighten up is the ability to see that much of your seriousness, much of the need to for instance to be right comes from things that aren’t really you. When you become more conscious of how your thoughts and emotions isn’t all of you, when you are able to see a separation then it becomes easier to not take things – or yourself – so seriously and keep a lighter frame of mind.

Realize that you are not your ego.

If you are too much identified with your ego then the ego will – with a deceptive, negative inner voice – tell you things like “I’m very important” and “how dare they say such things as jokes or criticism about me”. This is the ego trying to protect itself from a perceived attack from someone. And so you may be convinced to go into a serious mood that leads to overreacting.

But when you realize more and more that such instances in you daily life is just your ego reacting and not you then it becomes easier to not take things so seriously. It becomes easier to just ignore what the ego is shouting and determine your own reactions, thoughts and behavior.

What you once may have blown up or been fuming internally about, you don’t get that worked up over. I have found that quite often I just mentally shrug my shoulders and move on to the next thing.

Again, as I have mentioned before, good books to read and reread to understand more about yourself and your ego, thought and emotions are A New Earth and the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. And then you need to practise the advice and see how it applies you. This isn’t really something you fix in a week but something that you can make progress with over months or years.

Develop an abundance mentality.

Now, to lighten up is still about taking your work seriously, do well and not slack off. It’s not about finding a way to rationalise away the hard work as unimportant.

It’s more about not taking yourself too seriously.

And being able to not take negative events and results that seriously. One helpful thing here is to develop an abundance mentality. Well, overall I think it’s a good idea to have an abundance mentality rather than a scarcity mentality.

An abundance mentality tells you that there are always new chances and opportunities. This relieves much of the pressure you may feel if you have a scarcity mentality that makes you think that you only got this shot right now. Or makes you feel like an utter failure just because you just stumbled and things didn’t work out.

An abundance mentality allows you to see life in a more long-term perspective. And it can help you improve your performance since with it you’re creating a lot less pressure and anxieties within your own mind.

Tests in school can always be retaken. New dates can be arranged. There will be new business opportunities. You can start anew online or offline. Few things will actually be the end of the world even though an overly serious mindset may fool you into believing otherwise.

One challenge with developing and maintaining an abundance mentality is that much of society is built upon using a scarcity mentality to make you buy stuff. So advertising and parts of social programming tries to reinforce the scarcity mentality in people.

One couple of ways that I have found useful to handle that challenge is to cut down on your media consumption – reading less papers and watch less TV – and to use your new free time for things that reinforce your abundance mentality.

Examples of such things would be self-improvement blogs. And books, tapes and dvds on the same subject. Because there you can find information and people that come from a place of abundance. Or you can hang out with people with an abundance mentality in real life.

And I think it’s not the words that these people use that are of most use to you but rather the underlying feeling and frame of mind that is flowing from that person over to you.

Whatever flows into your mind will leave imprints, so be selective to be good to yourself.

Remind yourself constantly.

Your mind will easily slip into identifying with what your ego is trying to tell you or what your emotions are saying. It’s very easy to forget to not take things so seriously. I have posted a reminder to Lighten Up! on my fridge so I see it several times each day. More on using such simple tricks can be found in How to Keep Yourself on Track: Using External Reminders.

Assume rapport.

When you meet people assume rapport. This basically means that you imagine that you are meeting one of your best friends. Doing this can help you to put yourself into a lighter and more relaxed mood. Often a more useful mood to be in than a really serious one when interacting with people. You can read more about this in How to Have Less Awkward Conversations: Assume Rapport.

So it’s New Year’s Eve. The fireworks have rained and exploded across the sky, the dessert is all eaten and the champagne bottles are empty. You sit around talking and New Years resolutions come up. “Yeah, this year is gonna be different!”. You feel enthusiastic.

Fast-forward to the middle of January. The weather’s dreary. Enthusiasm has waned, dabbling has ensued. Maybe the resolution is abandoned altogether.

How do you keep yourself from reaching that point? How do actually stick with your New Year’s resolution? Well, in the end it’s up to you and I don’t have a solid plan that will work 100% of the time.

However, I have a few suggestions that can help you to make this year’s New Years resolution more than an empty promise to yourself.

The first 3 suggestions – together with the last one – are probably the most important ones. So if you forget about the rest, try to keep these four in mind.

Choose something YOU really want.

It has to be something you, yourself really want. Or you will find it hard to keep the motivation up. It will be hard to keep going after a few days/weeks. You got 14 days until the New Year is here. Start thinking about what you really want.

And find out what’s in it for you. If you don’t even have a clear picture of why you want to do something then there will be motivational problems. Write down all the reasons why getting your behind in gear and getting a handle on your New Year’s resolution will help you. Remind yourself by reviewing these reasons regularly and by putting them up in visible locations in your daily life.

Choose one thing.

Trying to change more than one habit at the same time is a classic pitfall. It’s possible to succeed with such an ambitious thing but it often takes quite a bit of time and energy. Keeping up with five resolutions at the same time will probably become too much work and you run the very possible risk of getting off the train too early and never solidifying any of your new habits. So focusing on one thing at time can be a more workable strategy.

Focus on the process.

For instance, focus on working out 3 times a week. This focus on the process is very important. For me personally it’s made things a lot easier and it promotes one of the most important things for getting some real results: consistency.

Don’t get hung up on your distant goal of losing those pounds. Focus on the process and being consistent with going to the gym. The pounds will come off. If not, then you may need to educate yourself a bit more and tweak your process. And, if you can, try to enjoy the process as much as you can. It makes it easier to reach your goal. And it makes your everyday life a lot more pleasant. :)

Remember to create a specific goal for the process, not just “I will eat better” or “I will go to the gym often”. Set specific goals that you will focus on. Otherwise there may be a lot dabbling and wishy-washy follow up.

Make it easy on yourself.

Work out in front of the TV if that will make it easier. Lift weights in the basement. Buy a stationary bike or a treadmill. Use it while reading, playing videogames or watching a movie. If you know that the darkness and cold of the winter will keep you from going to the gym consistently be creative and try to avoid that obstacle altogether.

Educate yourself.

Learning more about what you are about to do/are doing can be a great help. If you’re about to quit smoking ask others who have overcome the addiction what their best tips are. Do some research on/offline. And, along the way learn and experiment to find the best solution for yourself.

Bonus tip: If you are for example giving up candy, don’t just throw it out and leave a vacuum in your life. Replace the old habit with another habit to make it easier to transition into your new lifestyle choice and reduce sugar cravings. Good replacements to fill your cupboards and drawers with would, in this case, be your favourite fruits, veggies and nuts. You can read more on replacing a bad habit in this article.

If you fail don’t beat yourself up.

You will most likely have bad days and fall flat on your face. The important thing here is not to get yourself down too much and keep on beating yourself up for a week. That could certainly lead to giving up altogether. Plus, it’s kinda pointless. Instead, learn what you can from the experience so you don’t have to repeat it too many times. Then get back on the horse again the next day. And keep going.

Just do it. Even if you don’t feel like it.

This last one is really important for consistency and achieving success. There may come a time when then initial enthusiasm has waned and your motivation is running low.

Then you need to just do it. Meaning: try not to be so wrapped up in your thoughts and emotions. They are just things running through your consciousness. They are not you. They have a tendency of putting up obstacles – almost always imaginary ones too – on your path. Don’t pay much attention to those roadblocks. Just ignore them and plow through.

Even if your mind and feelings are disagreeing with your resolution just go and do it anyway.

Image by kalandrakas.

Assuming rapport. This is definitely one of the best social skill tips I have ever learned about. Unfortunately I’ve forgotten a bit about it lately. Maybe you have too. Or missed it altogether. So I thought I’d bring it up again.

Now, what is assuming rapport?

Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking “how will this go?” you take different approach. You assume that you and the person(s) will establish a good connection (rapport).

How do you do that?

You simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one.

I have found that this advice is surprisingly useful and easy to implement.

Just before the meeting, you just think that you’ll be meeting a good friend. Then you’ll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind.

This also helps you and the other people to set a good frame for the interaction. A frame is always set in the at the start of an interaction. It might be a nervous and stiff frame, a formal and let’s-get-to-the-point kind of frame or perhaps a super relaxed one.

The thing is that the frame that is set in the beginning of the conversation is often one that may stay on for a while. First impressions last.

If it’s a very stiff frame then it may very well continue to be so until the end. It can be quite difficult to for instance change that frame into a more relaxed one. Often people – you and the others – adapt to the frame that is set and interact within it. Breaking or changing that frame may feel uncomfortable or a bit weird.

And so you and the others can become reluctant to do so and instead just play along.

First impressions last

So setting a good frame at the very beginning can bring more enjoyment and better results out of any kind of meeting.

That’s one of the reasons why it’s so useful to smile when you first meet someone. And it’s also important to consider that the impression made and frame set may not just last during the first conversation. It may continue throughout your relationship with this new friend, classmate or co-worker.

Now, meeting your best friend might not always be the best thing to think about before a meeting.

If it’s a meeting at work or in school then you may need to have use a more formal frame (for instance without hugs and the relaxed attitude you have with friends).

In that case you may want to try to imagine a similar meeting that went well and your interactions with the people there.

If you go into a conversation with the right frame of mind a lot of the problems you may have encountered before or created outside and inside your mind just never come up.

Much of communication is non-verbal and can be difficult to manually correct in a conversation.

But when you go in with a positive and relaxed energy then that is fed into the interaction by you using your non-verbal communication – like your voice tonality and body language – in good way.

Just be yourself

When you’re with your friend you don’t think about what you should say next or what funny comment you could pull out of your sleeve. You just stay in the present moment, moment by moment, and the conversation flows easily and naturally.

I think this is what some people mean when they give the often confusing advice to “just be yourself”. When your friends give you that advice then they may mean that you should be like you are when you are hanging out with us.

They want to see you bring out your natural and relaxed self in other interactions.

One final useful thing about assuming rapport is that you may also start to feel positive feelings towards this new person, just as you do with your friend when you meet him/her.

This is a pretty good starting point for getting the new person to reciprocate and for developing a good relationship.

Thomas Alva Edison was one of the most famous and hard-working inventors in history. When he died in 1931 he held 1093 patents in his name (though a lot of his inventions were collaborations).

Some of his most used inventions are of course the light bulb and the gramophone.

He also did quite a bit work to improve x-ray machines for while (until he almost lost his own eye-sight and an assistant died due to radiation poisoning). And he had a AC/DC-current war with the odd and fascinating inventor Nikola Tesla.

Here are a few of my favourite tips from Edison. They are all about success. And what kind of work and mindset achieving such a thing may require.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

One of the problems in life is that people just give up too soon. I think quite a big bit of this because of social programming and the expectations set by society. It’s seen as pretty normal to try once or maybe a few times and then give up.

There is also a ton of products, books and commercials that promises us that we can “Earn 20000 dollars in just 4 weeks” or “Easily lose 30 pounds in 30 days!”.

And we hear these messages over and over throughout life.

No wonder it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that everything should work out after about three tries or so.

When the promise of a quick fix is sold to us all the time and people around us are buying into it then it becomes easy just do the same thing. And align our expectations of the world around how things “should” work rather than how they work.

If one does not give up so quickly but tries perhaps 20-30 times or more there is a pretty good chance that success will come. If one keeps at it for not 3 weeks but 6 months then the likelihood of success often increases.

If not, then you may spend a lot of time in a cycle where you try a new quick fix, get discouraged quickly and give up, spend some cash on the next quick fix and getting overly enthusiastic and then continue the cycle by jumping from one magic bullet to another, never achieving much of a result.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Now, how do you reframe failure? How do you look at it so you don’t feel overwhelmed and give up? Well, you can look at failure as a part of a process. You look at it as ways that won’t work. You draw lessons from those ways. Then you let that go, focus on the present and try again (this time perhaps in a different way).

If you look at failure as something big, like it’s the end of the world you’ll probably be quite a bit afraid of it. And so it can feel too painful to go on after a few failures. Or you may never even try, since your mind is projecting all these horrible and painful future scenarios of what will happen if you try and fail.

Also, if you come from a place of abundance then failure has less power over you. Failure can be really useful if you learn to redefine it for yourself. The key is to develop an abundance mentality – where there is always an abundance of opportunities – instead of a more common scarcity mentality where there is always a lack. If you start to think about your world this way failure becomes less painful and the fear of missteps lessens.

Because with an abundance mentality you believe that there are more good opportunities out there even if you experience failure. So you are less inclined to give into fear and to pull away from taking a chance.

Failure still hurts even if you think about things this way. But then you think about what you can learn from the failure. And then you start over again. And in retrospect you often discover that your previous failure provided some very useful, perhaps even necessary lessons, for your latest project to grow as well as it does.

This way – seeing it as a process and have an abundance-mentality – is one way to reframe failure to keep yourself from giving up. If you look at it this way you’ll be less prone to lie down and just give up.

“The value of an idea lies in the using of it.”

Useful information is good. But you have to put it to use sometime or you’ll never reap any benefits or success. This is a pretty common problem when you for instance get interested in personal development. You get a lot of books, programs etc. and you study them. And then you get more.

Always looking for the magic bullet that will give you success without you having to do anything. Confusing yourself and feeling like you are making progress by reading another book.

That emotional high is dangerous because it can fool you into thinking that things are progressing.

But then a few months later nothing much has happened, except you have a lot of knowledge (and have probably forgotten half of it because your mind couldn’t retain it because you weren’t putting it into action). To get results you need to take action. That’s also the best way to really understand the information you have absorbed and possibly find ways to tweak and use it in an even better way for yourself.

“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.”

But just going for it, taking action and doing something isn’t enough. You have to ask yourself if what you are doing is useful? Or is it just another way to keep yourself busy, to keep yourself from doing what you really want to do?

You need to think about what you really want to do. You need to make plans. Then throughout your normal day you can remind yourself, by for instance using external reminders like written notes, to stay on track. To not get lost on the wrong track or in the busywork that is perhaps a normal routine or an easy escape from the things you’d like to do but that require more perspiration.

“Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.”

There is a myth that geniuses mostly just are geniuses and can do great things pretty much as easily as you and I tie our shoelaces. But what is seldom mentioned or seen is how much the really successful people work. And how far the people that just practise, practise, practise can go.

I think natural talent certainly plays a role. But I also think that it can become an excuse to slack off and never come close to your potential. To find something you can become really, really good at – perhaps even be regarded as genius at – I think you need to find something you really, really like to do. Otherwise, your inner motivation and passion will run out and you’ll probably show up less and less. Until you one day just give it up.

Maybe it wasn’t the thing for you. Maybe you grew apart from it.

And if that happens then you can try to find another thing that you really, really like to do.

Today I have gone without coffee for 30 days.

It’s been an interesting experiment.

I started drinking coffee at a pretty late age, probably around 22 or 23.

Since then I’ve consumed three cups or more every day.

Lately I’ve become more interested in my own personal energy. And being hooked on coffee is a bit like the curve above. :)

So I wanted to see how getting rid of the coffee would affect my energy, mood and effectiveness.

I know that some get off coffee by slowly decreasing the amount of coffee they consume each week and perhaps by replacing it with tea or non-caffeinated alternatives.

I took another approach.

30 days ago I came down with a bad cold and pretty much knew that I would spend a few days in bed doing nothing more than reading and watching some TV.

I also knew that going without coffee would make me very sleepy.

So I combined the two things. I stopped drinking coffee and then I was sleeping a lot the next few days.

This made it easier to get through the most unpleasant days of sneezing and having a fever. And since I wasn’t doing anything special anyway it was OK to feel drowsy and sleep a lot.

Towards the end of that week my cold had decreased in power and so had my sleepiness.

Since then it’s been no problem to not drink coffee and I have experienced some positive benefits.

The big one is that my ability to focus has improved. That has affected my life in a few ways:

• It has become easier to focus just on the task in front of me and shut out the rest of the distractions.
• I’m less prone to procrastination. I didn’t really notice it while I was drinking coffee but my mind seemed to wander off in all kinds of ways a lot of the time. Now it’s easier to single-task and focus on one thing and I don’t feel the same need to check email or other distracting stuff.
• I’m calmer. I’m a calm person to begin with but getting off coffee calmed and slowed my brain down. So I feel more relaxed more of the time. And it’s easier to think with clarity.

Getting of coffee has been a positive experience for me. It’s actually had more of a positive effect than I would have expected. I thought I would feel a little less stressed overall but it has made a significant dent in my ability to focus and concentrate. I also used to feel tired after a meal and used coffee immediately after the meal to boost my energy levels. Now I have a much more even energy-curve throughout the day.

So I’ll continue to stay coffee free and perhaps sprinkle in a cup of green tea or two once in while. I would recommend trying to go coffee free for 30 days and see how it affects your mind, body and life.

One way is do it like I did and go cold-turkey (perhaps the next time you’re ill or during some vacation days over the holidays). Another way is the one where you slowly decrease the amount of coffee you consume each week. And perhaps replace some of the coffee with less caffeinated teas or a couple of cups of decaf. If you get bad withdrawal symptoms then the second method may be the most useful one.