Helen Keller
How do you react if something in your life doesn't go as you wish?
Well, at first you’ll probably feel pain of some sort.
But what happens after that? What do you do after the initial pain?
Do you think of yourself as a victim, as someone with little or no control or power?
Do you slip back into a familiar headspace where you feel sorry for yourself and where you feel like someone – or the whole world – is against you?
I used to get stuck in that destructive and self-esteem sucking way of thinking quite often. And I know that many people get stuck in it from time to time.
Or more often than that.
So this week I’d like to share 3 steps that helps me to move out of that headspace and replace it with something better.
Step 1: Recognize the benefits of the victim mentality.
The victim mentality can be pretty beneficial in the short term and for instant gratification. A few benefits are:
Attention and validation.
You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out.
But it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.
You don’t have to take risks.
When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action. And so you don’t have to risk, for instance, rejection or failure.
Don’t have to take the responsibility.
Taking responsibility for your own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just tough from time to time.
In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.
It makes you feel like you're right.
When you feel like the victim and like someone else is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.
In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits I can derive from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that whenever such thoughts start to creep up and to choose to take a different path.
Step 2: Ask yourself what the long-term consequences of this will be.
The benefits above can be quite addictive.
But what will the long-term consequences of getting stuck in victim thinking be?
- How will it hold you back from doing the things you deep down dream about in life?
- How will it affect your most important relationships?
- How does it affect your relationship with yourself?
Be honest with yourself and get motivation to change by seeing how destructively this will affect your life over the next 12 months and over the next 3 or 5 years.
Step 3: Replace the victim thinking with something more helpful.
To not create a vacuum where all those thoughts about being a victim used to run around for hours upon hours you need to replace the negative thought habits with something more useful.
Like for example:
Gratitude.
After that initial pain is gone – or smaller – you don’t have to create more suffering for yourself.
Instead, tap into gratitude.
I sometimes do that by asking myself this question to zoom out on my situation and to gain a more level-headed perspective:
Does someone on the planet have it worse than me right now?
Learn and take action.
After tapping into a more grateful frame of mind my mind also becomes more open to getting an optimistic answer out of my next question.
It's usually something like:
What is one thing I can learn from this situation?
Then I follow that up with:
What is one small step I can take to move forward or out of this situation today?
Ask yourself: How can I give value to one person in my life right now?
Help this person out in some way by being kind, by listening or by doing something practically for example.
By doing so you’ll feel more powerful again. You’ll create more happiness for the other person and you’ll feel better about your day too.
Forgive.
I really like this quote about forgiveness from Catherine Ponder:
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
You don’t have to forgive just because it is something you “should do”.
You don’t have to do it to be the better person either.
You can do it just for yourself. For your own well-being and freedom.
Release yourself from the agony and focus your limited time and energy on things that will make you happier.
Henrik Edberg is the creator of the Positivity Blog and has written weekly articles here since 2006. He has a bachelor’s degree in journalism from the University of Gothenburg and has been featured on Lifehack, The Huffington Post and Paulo Coelho’s blog.
Comments on this entry are closed.
Wow Amazing Article. Thanks for sharing us this knowledge. Your Article is really helpful for me
Great meaningful post! Positive thinking is the true solution to every problem and success. And a growth mindset is the result of self improvement or can say personal development.
Awesome post!
Gratitude in particular is something that I found to be particularly helpful. Whenever I feel down, it’s always good to be reminded of the awesome things that I already have.
I got more motivated when I read your posts, Especially the part where : “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
keep up the good work, Thanks for sharing this awesome post
Great post!
Gratitude will bring more abundance to our life and positive thinking will attract positive experiences to our life.
I find these two practices are the one we should always keep on doing in our daily life. And when we can guide your thoughts in the right way, we have absolute control of our life.
I think that the more we live inside our heads, the more likely we are to overanalyse, be critical and conjure up negative thoughts about a lot of things.
As much as introspection is important and valuable, some of us seem to stay stuck there most of the time and it’s making us emotionally and mentally unhealthy.
It’s time we learn how to get out of our heads and there are a lot of ways to do that. Exercise, movement, being around people, etc. It’s about balancing introspection and extrospection.
This is an excellent article. I was a little concerned, at first, that it would make me feel guilty for feeling bad about events that happened a long time ago, but it’s okay to acknowledge what I still may need to work on… without lingering on it. It’s hard to feel sad and grateful at the same time!
GREAT ARTICLE BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE VICTIMIZE ON A DAILY BASIS AND YOU JUST WANT OUT AND YOU TRULY DONE WANT PITY FROM ANYONE ELSE. I REALLY THINK THIS IS WHERE POSITIVE CAN TRULY BE A CHALLENGE AND UNHELPFUL. EVERY ONE IS NOT JUST GOING AROUND FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES. SOME PEOPLE TRULY WANT OUT OF A VICIOUS CYCLE OF VICTIMIZATION.
It’s a powerful and good point!
It’s easier be a victim or play a victim! Yes in life a lot of the time and for some people more than other happen bud things but seating feeling sorry is not going to solve anything or pickings on others people actions will not help you either, we and our decision are the only way to happiness .
Good Morning ,
Your emails are helping but I am stuck and extremely hurt ! There is no healing . But your words are strong and help me get through the days.
Thank you for validating how people feel.
Thank you,
Phyllis
Instead of thinking “Why is this happening to me?” think “What is this teaching me?” The universe isn’t against you, it’s trying to help teach you the lessons you’re here to learn.
Thanks Henrik (Tack). I really like how you put these together with an emphasis on practical tips rather than a lot of theory. Much more useful this way.
And on the point of “practical”, this is the word you want rather than “practically” (adjective vs adverb).
Oh and finally, turning it upside down and asking what the benefits of victimisation are was a shock and very useful at the same time. :)