“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.”
A very common problem that can drag your self-esteem down or build up so much anger that steam may start to come out of your ears is to take things too personally.
And so you may try to grow some thicker skin and let criticism, negativity or verbal attacks just wash off of you.
But that’s often easier said than done.
So in this week’s article I’d like to share 6 habits that really work for me – at least in most cases – and helps me to reduce the stress, anger and hurt in my life.
I hope they’ll be useful for you too.
Just focus on your breathing for a minute or two (or for a few breaths if that’s all the time you got).
Focus only on the air going in and out of your nose. Nothing else.
This simple exercise helps you to calm your mind and body down a bit.
It helps you to create a bit of space between you and what has just happened and by doing so you’re less likely to have a knee-jerk reaction and to, for example, lash out verbally at the other person.
Going about things this way makes it easier to respond to the situation in the way you may deep down want to.
2. Get clarification.
Don’t jump to conclusions based on what you may have just misunderstood and let that drag you down into anger or to feeling sorry for yourself.
Instead, ask questions if possible to help clarify a bit about what the other person meant.
And, if you can, explain how what he said makes you feel. We have different perspectives and ways of communicating and he might not, for instance, realize that it came across as a bit harsh or rude.
3. Realize that everything isn’t about you.
It’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that criticism or verbal attacks you receive are about you or something you did.
But it may simply be about the other person having a bad day, week or year. Or about how they are miserable at their job or in their marriage at this time.
And so they release some pent up emotions and tensions at you who is simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Remind yourself of this when you wind up in a situation where you are likely to take things personally.
4. Talk it out.
When something gets under your skin and you start to take it personally then you can get stuck in a negative spiral of sinking self-esteem that just gets stronger and stronger.
Break out of that or prevent it by letting what happened out into the light. Talk it over with someone close to you and let your friend share her perspective on what happened.
Maybe she knows something about how the person that verbally attacked you is going through a tough time.
Or she could just listen and through that help you to sort things out for yourself and ground you in a more level-headed perspective on what happened.
5. Ask yourself: is there actually something here that could help me?
This one can be a tough one to ask yourself. And it may not always lead to something.
But by asking it you can sometimes empower yourself.
You can find one or more steps to take to improve whatever the criticism was about. You can start moving forward again and regain confidence in yourself and in what you can do.
Instead of getting stuck in inaction and in replaying what happened over and over again in your head.
This one can be especially helpful if this is the fifth or tenth time you have heard the same thing from people. Then there might be something here you would like to work on (even if that might not be so fun to face).
6. Improve your self-esteem.
I’ve found that as I’ve learned to improve and keep my self-esteem steady things don’t get under my skin as often. I don’t take them so personally and I keep a healthier perspective and distance to them.
And so they tend bounce off quicker and not drag my day or week down.
One simple way to start improving your self-esteem today is to be kinder to the people in your own life.
- Help them out practically in some way.
- Listen when they need the help of a friend to find a better perspective.
- Give a genuine compliment.
- Encourage when most of their world may be discouraging.
The way you treat other people is how they will most often treat you too in the long run.
And, more importantly for your self-esteem, when you are kinder towards others then you tend to treat and think of yourself in a kinder way too.
I really like the tip about talking things out. I really tend to keep things in and I need to start learning how to communicate my feelings towards things. Thank you for this post!
“2. Get clarification”
It is not so easy to get sometimes… What should I do if this person answers for example:
“just do what i say…” or “i just don’t want to explain…” ?
Talking it out recently helped me a lot. I spoke to two friends and they gave me other perspectives of my situation. Based on their good sounding (but not easy) advice I accepted that I should address the issue with the person I had trouble with.
When I did, I discovered that not only was my friend’s perspective beneficial, but by following through I learned the situation was even better than my friends thought it might be.
These friends have given good advice in the past and I’m glad I considered their perspective. If I hadn’t considered alternative scenarios, I could have harmed a relationship I value, and I would have been in the wrong.
Thank you for the article.
First of all, without trying to make excuses, I am under treatment for anxiety and depression, which affects my reaction to events and interaction in my life. This blog helps me by providing and reinforcing tips for how to respond to situations. Taking one small step forward helps me to get going, to ease the pain, when I’ve been knocked down or hurt. Thank you.
Good advice. Thank you
I agree, Henrik.If we keep distance between request and our response by a brief spell of breathing – It will help us to have better perspective