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140 Funny Quotes to Lighten Your Mood and Reduce Stress

Funny Quotes to Lighten Your Mood and Reduce Stress

Today I'd like to share a collection of funny quotes.

Why?

Because of the simple power of taking a laugh break.

A laugh break is just 5-15 minutes when you watch, read or listen to something that makes you laugh.

Like:

  • One or a couple of Youtube-videos.
  • Half an episode that one sit-com that makes you laugh the most.
  • A comic strip on paper on online.
  • An episode of a podcast or your favorite radio show.
  • Or simply hanging out for a while with your funniest co-worker, friend or family member.

But why take a laugh break?

Because it’s – in my experience – one of the most reliable and quick-acting ways to relax, reduce stress and to find a lighter and more optimistic perspective on your day and life.

So in this post I’d like to help out with that and simply share some of the funniest quotes of all time.

I hope you’ll find something here that will help you to have a relaxing and recharging laugh break.

Funny Quotes About Life

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
Albert Einstein

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson

“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking

“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey

“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers

“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin

“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin

Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley

“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin

“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin

Short Funny Quotes

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx

“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde

“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield

“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain

“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin

“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel

“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger

“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward

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{ 2 comments… add one }
  • Hello Henrik.

    Thanks for the comic relief to brighten our day.
    Having a smile on our face lifts our spirits, and puts us in a good mood.

    When we smile, we emanate positive energy to others. Then they share a smile, and spread their positive energy even further. It goes on, and on.

    It all started with our own smile, after reading Positivity Blog.

    If you are feeling down read an article on Positivity Blog to brighten your day.
    Greg

  • The smile on our face makes our souls blossom, and brings us into a good mood. thanks for this

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