101 Funny Marriage Quotes: Hilarious Humor for a Love That Lasts

Marriage is a winding journey of love, laughter and compromise.

And of those inexplicable decisions your partner makes about what they want to eat or how to best load the dishwasher.

Today – about a week from my own 11th wedding day – I want to celebrate that by sharing 101 of the most relatable, witty and funny marriage quotes.

I hope you’ll find something that will make you and partner laugh and will give friends and family some good ideas to use for a wedding toast or an anniversary card.

Funny Marriage Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.”
– Jean Kerr

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
– Chris Rock

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
– Groucho Marx

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
– Mae West

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”
– Clint Eastwood

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
– Winston Churchill

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
– Henny Youngman

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.”
– Estelle Getty

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx

“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”
– Amy Schumer

“Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.”
– Ambrose Bierce

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”
– Cher

Short and Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.”
– Evelyn Hendrickson

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.”
– Henny Youngman

“Marriage: A word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’.”
– Herbert Spencer

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”
– Rory Elder

“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason

“Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.”
– Julieanne O’Connor

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
– Michel de Montaigne

“Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.”
– Joe Murray

“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.”
– Raymond Hull

“Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.”
– Alan King

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
– Red Skelton

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”
– Frank Sinatra

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
– Milton Berle

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

“Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.”
– St. Jerome

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin

“Marriage is grand – and divorce? Well, it’s around twenty grand.”
– Jay Leno

“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.”
– Chip Gaines

“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
– Irwin Corey

Relatable and Funny Marriage Quotes for Cards and Celebrations

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
– Cameron Esposito

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
– Jack Benny

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.”
– Robert Fulghum

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
– Helen Rowland

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
– Ogden Nash

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.”
– Albert Einstein

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”
– Catherine Zeta-Jones

“Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”
– Stephanie Ortiz

“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: Husband!”
– Bill Maher

“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called Fifty Shades of Just Okay.”
– Conan O’Brien

“I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.”
– Molly McNearney

“My wife had us register for fine china. Because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now… once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.”
– Joan Rivers

“My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day, I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside: Made in Taiwan.”
– Leopold Fechtner

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day.”
– Kristen Bell

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times.”
– Elizabeth Taylor

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
– Cindy Garner

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
– Henny Youngman

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”
– Wendy Liebman

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

“I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.”
– Fiona Shaw

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”
– Katharine Hepburn

“My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.”
– Mark Agee

“We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.”
– Justin Timberlake

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
– Lyndon B. Johnson

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
– Mickey Rooney

“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”
– Eddie Cantor

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.”
– Richard Pryor

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.”
– Joey Adams

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”
– Dennis Miller

“The two most important words in marriage for me are ‘yes, dear.'”
– Eric Close

“I can’t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.”
– Rob Delaney

“Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle.”
– Heinrich Heine

“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.”
– Gilbert K. Chesterton

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?'”
– Michelle Obama

“A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.”
– Helen Rowland

Hilarious Marriage Quotes on Love That Lasts

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
– Jean Illsley Clarke

“Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.”
– Jean Rostand

“We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.”
– George Cockcroft

“A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.”
– André Maurois

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
– Henny Youngman

“In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
– Terry Pratchett

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times – always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin

“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Anne Bancroft

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
– Dr. Joyce Brothers

“After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
– Barack Obama

“Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Sometimes, marriage seems to be just texting each other ‘what do you want for dinner?’ back and forth until one of you dies.”
– Sarah Kelly

“I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.”
– Steve Skrovan

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”
– Lee Judge

“Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.”
– Chris Hemsworth

“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
– Agatha Christie

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck

Want more laughs and inspiration about love? Then check out these funny wedding quotes, the hilarious love quotes here and also this one with short love quotes.