Can you improve your conversation skills?
Certainly.
It might take a while to change the conversation habits that’s been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.
To not make this article longer than necessary let’s just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations and a couple of solutions.
And if you want more in-depth training then join us in my 12-week, step-by-step Smart Social Skills Course where I share the very best things I have learned in the past 8 years about improving social skills and relationship habits.
1. Not listening.
Ernest Hemingway once said:
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold.
Stop being lazy in a conversation and learn to really listen to what people actually are saying. When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation.
But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information.
If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:
- Where did you go fishing?
- What do you like most about fishing?
- What did you do there besides fishing?
The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.
If they say something like: “Oh, I don’t know” at first, don’t give up.
Prod a little further. Ask again.
They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because it’s not on auto-pilot anymore.
2. Asking too many questions.
If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you don’t have that much too contribute.
One alternative is to mix questions with statements.
Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:
“Yeah, it’s great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf.”
Or you can say:
“Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.”
And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.
3. Tightening up.
When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous or worried not knowing exactly why.
Here’s three things you can do in such a situation:
Be on top of what’s happening out there.
Leil Lowndes once said: “Never leave home without reading the newspaper”. If you’re running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news.
It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost.
Use your surroundings.
Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume or the host’s mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings.
Assume rapport.
If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport.
What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends.
Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this you’ll go into a positive emotional state.
And you’ll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude.
Because that’s how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple.
But it really works.
4. Poor delivery.
One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it.
A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:
- Slowing down. When you get excited about something it’s easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them.
- Speaking up. Don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you.
- Speaking clearly. Don’t mumble.
- Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice.
- Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation.
- Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.
5. Hogging the spot-light.
I’ve been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember. :)
Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Don’t interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself.
Don’t hijack their story about skiing before it’s finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.
6. Having to be right.
Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion.
It’s a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you “win” every conversation.
Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.
7. Talking about a weird or negative topic.
If you’re at a party or somewhere where you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics.
Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from.
You might also want to save religion, money and politics for conversations with your friends.
8. Being boring.
Don’t prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people.
Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.
One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff.
Don’t start to whine about your boss or your job, people don’t want to hear that.
Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you were buying clothes, your plans for New Year’s Eve, your new blog or podcast project or something funny or exciting.
Another way is just to be genuinely interested.
As Dale Carnegie said:
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”
Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favorite subject is a nice quality.
Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic.
Topics may include work, favorite rock-band, TV-show and more work.
Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease.
As you’ve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.
9. Not reciprocating.
Open up and say what you think, share how you feel.
If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Don’t just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences.
If someone is investing in the conversation they’d like you to invest too. Like in so many areas in life, you can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move.
When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements.
It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.
10. Not contributing much.
You might feel that you don’t have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway.
Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.
Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about.
Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.
Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.
But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel confused and overwhelmed and start to doubt yourself.
Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it.
Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.
Henrik Edberg is the creator of the Positivity Blog and has written weekly articles here since 2006. He has a bachelor’s degree in journalism from the University of Gothenburg and has been featured on Lifehacker, HuffPost and Paulo Coelho’s blog.
Comments on this entry are closed.
You raise a very good pointer regarding treating people you meet for the first time as if they were one of your best friends, it’s helped me in parties where there were some awkward silence because no-one felt comfortable until someone broke the ice after the initial greetings and conversation topics.
Nice article, with a good mood to it. You managed to tackle an important topic with simple and sensible advice, and not just recipes. I do feel however, that the “Not Listenning” section is the most important one. It reminds me of a line in Fight Club, where he mentions how people are usually just waiting for their turn to talk.
In the end, I feel it’s about being genuine. If you genuinely take an interest in people and their points of view, you’ll grow a lot, your own thoughts and opinions will be nurtured by other people’s, and you’ll end up having more to offer in future conversations.
Thank you for a very insightful article.
In this time of radio and TV “attack shows” and hosts and guests who interrupt each other constantly, and make argument and loud disagreement the whole point of the show, it’s nice to know someone wants to have a conversation.
Remember conversation? I do.
Good list. Two more tips:
1. If someone asks me a question in conversation, I almost always try to ask them the same question back after I’ve answered. Nine times out of ten, they will have already thought of their own answer, so it will make them look clever. Example: if they ask me, “What did you think of that movie?” After I answer, I’ll ask them back.
2. Remember details about people and ask them about it later. Example, if they were working on a big project at work two weeks ago, remember and ask how it turned out. Or if they bought a new pet, next time you see them, ask how the pet is holding up in a new home. Friends love it when you remember and ask about the insignificant significant things in their lives.
This is an amazing resource. Simply amazing.
It’s a wonderful starting point for people genuinely looking to improve their conversation skills and a good checklist for those already on the path to improving theirs.
I love the part about becoming interesting. The best way is to constantly do different things. Instead of going to a movie, go to an opera. Instead of watching TV, read a book. Instead of eating a burger, try some sushi. Get out there! Find out about different social groups in your area, volunteer your time helping out. Become accustomed choosing the option that you’ve never experienced. You’ll be surprised how much you’ll learn.
Here’s an alternative view – probing people for their personal details, just to exercise them might be seen as silly and timewasting. Only ask questions you really want the answers to.
I can’t stand these morons that ask my inane questions as if they are doing me some sort of favor – usually they are harmless, but always irritating.
For some you should keep this in mind.
Smile. It works.
A very interesting way to get beyond the traditional question of, What do you do? is to ask the question, What else do you do?
This questions completely shifts the conversation to a more personal connection and you will hear some amazing stories.
Wow this site gives a nice starter up for those who want to improve communication skills in a convo. I’ve certainly experienced these problems, but these really help to give pointers to improve them. I think the main one is really trying hard to listen to what the person is saying, and figuring out what they actually mean.
That bit about what to say after exhausting the usual starter convos are good tips – I tend to find those useful when trying to make new friends.
Another tip: Spot when people are genuinely tired and don’t want to talk much. Sometimes it’s good just to have company without much talk.
also:
Leaving People Out
Consider 80% a Quorum. If more than one in five people don’t understand or have no interest in the subject, change it.
Also, don’t give shy people a break. Ask them questions – often they want to to say something but don’t want to interject.
Good stuff.
I like the comment about not giving shy people a break. I’ve always considered myself shy and having the other person start tends to loosen me up a bit.
Insightful? What a load of crap! Regurgitated cliches, if you ask me.
[…]Top ten conversation mistakes[…]
I have to admit that I might fall into one or two of the categories that you’ve shown. Glad that you have raised this, so that I can improve myself in conversation. Helpful indeed.
These are all great little tips to keep up a good mood and an upbeat energy in a social scene. One more I’d like to add: try a bit of situational humor whenever the mood is right. Quotes and banter can only go so far. People really want to feel like their lives are meaningful and unique. A great way to to that is to find those perfect little moments to make everyone smile. Don’t be afraid to stretch the boundaries of decorum a little for a good laugh. Don’t over-do it though. No one likes a grand stander, and if you like to make people laugh- be ready to laugh yourself if someone makes a funny. And make sure your jokes or gags don’t alienate anyone or make fun of anyone- that’ll just make people feel defensive and unsure of themselves and you.