
Image by Wolfgang Staudt (license).
“Let him that would move the world first move himself.”
Socrates
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Plato
“Nothing endures but change.”
Heraclitus
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”
Pericles
Obviously, old greeks like Plato, Epictetus and Aristotle were really sharp. And what they talked about over 2000 years ago is just as relevant and useful today. Our outer circumstances may have changed dramatically over the last few thousands of years, but on the inside we seem to have stayed pretty much the same in many ways.
Here are just 7 of my favourite fundamentals from that place and time. I hope you will find them as helpful as I have.
1. If you are going your own way, prepare for reactions.
“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”
Epictetus
I believe this is very relevant to self-improvement. And something that is holding people back, no matter how much tips or knowledge they have about how to make their lives better. The fear of social rejection is strong in many people.
If you start changing then people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.
And that’s OK. Most likely they won’t react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon.
2. To get what you really dream about out of life, you have to wo/man up.
“Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees the others.”
Aristotle
So to make some real changes you must accept that you may look foolish. You will need courage to actually apply what you have learned on this blog or through other sources. This is one common sticking point. The problem is not that you don’t have the correct tips or solutions. It’s simply that you avoid facing what you fear (even though you mind might still be telling you that the solution does not lie there but rather in gathering more information).
If this is something that you do often then you have to increase your courage. So, how can you do that?
You have to take action and face your fear.
Maybe not what you want to hear, but in my experience and from what I have learned from others this is probably the best way to build courage and self confidence.
You can make this – that may seem terrifying – a bit easier. Three of my own favourite tips for doing that are:
- Be curious. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. When you shift to being curious your perceptions and the world just opens up. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped you to discover and experience.
- Be present. This will help you snap out of over thinking and just go and do whatever you want to get done. This is also probably the best tip I have found so far for taking more action in life since it puts you in a state where you feel little emotional resistance to the work you’ll do. One of the simplest ways to connect with the present moment is just to keep your focus on your breathing for a minute or two.
- Realize that failure won’t kill you. It is when you face your fears that you discover the thing that billions of people throughout history have discovered before you. Failure won’t kill you. Nor will being wrong. The sky will not fall down. That’s just what people that haven’t faced their fear yet think. Failure is actually a great way to learn things about yourself and life. And to make yourself tougher and more courageous.
3. What they say might not really be about you.
“People often grudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.”
“The unhappy derive comfort from the misfortunes of others.”
~ Aesop
Criticism that may be valid should be taken seriously. But negativity directed towards you is pretty seldom about you. It’s more about someone else having a bad day, week or year and directing their negative energy at anyone passing by in their life.
This ties back to fundamental #1. So much complaining and negativity that people put out into the world is about how they feel about themselves and their lives. The problem is just that we are often so focused on own lives that we take every negative thing said to us personally. But the world doesn’t revolve around me or you.
So remember those two quotes when someone’s directing negativity towards you.
And more importantly, remember those quotes when you feel the need to lash out towards someone. Ask yourself what the real problem in your life is. And what you can do about it.
Instead of just lashing out and feeding more negativity into your and someone else’s life.
One thing you can pretty sure of is that the more people try to boost their own value and temporary positive feelings by putting someone else down, the worse they feel about themselves and their lives. And that goes for you and me too of course.
4. Discard the things that aren’t helping you.
“The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.”
Antisthenes
Some of what you learn in life is simply social conditioning that is fed to you over and over as you grow up. And so you believe that it is true. But you have to realize that some of the things you have picked up may not serve you in the best way. But you may have simply grown so comfortable with those beliefs that you cling to them – no matter how negative they are – like a safety blanket.
Another thing is that was once true for you may not be anymore. As you improve yourself you have to let go of your past and your old self-image to be able to move forward fully. You have to accept that you have changed and then keep your focus steadily on your new areas of interest so you don’t slip back into your old – and so familiar and comfortable – self over and over again.
Also, if you have learned read a lot about personal development then you might have a lot of tips on different topics in your head. To simplify your life and thinking you might not need 25 ways to handle nervousness.
Articles with that many tips can be helpful but it’s important to try that stuff out for yourself and see what tips that work most effectively for you. And then simplify so you always know what action to take if you get nervous for example. Instead of having your mind so cluttered with information that you become paralyzed and take no action at all.
5. Your wishes may not be all that they are cracked up to be.
“We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.”
Aesop
Here is one of those beliefs that you may hold but may want to let go off to live a happier life.
We wish for something. A new car, a new job, a new relationship or perhaps a new pair of shoes. And perhaps you think: “if I only get this thing, then I’m home, then I’ll feel happy and good all around”.
And then you get it. And it’s awesome. But often for just a while. And then you may feel like maybe something went a bit wrong. Like it didn’t fulfil you or complete you like you thought it would.
Why? Well, after while when you get used to something, when it becomes normal, then the ego tends to want more once again.
Or maybe you can’t enjoy something for what it is because even though your environment changes, you are still the same. The same person with the same outlook on life. With the same self-imposed barriers for your own success and happiness and maybe self-sabotaging behaviour. And until you take a look at those things you may find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over. When you are the same, you often tend to get the same results over and over again.
Our wishes can also often come through accompanied by unexpected and not so pleasant side effects. Things may seem just perfect when you dream about them. In reality, it can become a little more complicated and messy.
Now, new things or people can be great. But if you think this one thing or person will fix all your problems or focus on the wrong aspects – what is not perfect, how can I get more etc. – instead of the positives and gratitude then you may find yourself always looking for the next thing and create quite a bit of unhappiness within.
6. Focus on building helpful habits.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Aristotle
Becoming really good at something or making real improvement in your life isn’t about short spurts now and then when you feel like it. It’s about habits and consistency.
There is ton of information on how to build habit, both online and in books. Here are just two tips that have been helpful for me to establish new habits in my life.
- The 30 day challenge. You have probably read about this old personal development concept from for example Steve Pavlina. Basically, you make a deal with yourself to do one thing for just 30 days (one example: exercise every day) and no more than that. But after those 30 days you may discover that your mind will have become so accustomed to this new behaviour that it will be easier to continue doing it than stop doing it.
- Just focus on the process. While doing something for those 30 days you focus on the process rather than the results. I for instance use this when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up – even the days when I don’t feel like it – and doing my workout. The results come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take this action and establish the new habit when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”. Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day.
7. Suffering is optional. And so is happiness.
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”
“I must die. Must I then die lamenting? I must be put in chains. Must I then also lament? I must go into exile. Does any man then hinder me from going with smiles and cheerfulness and contentment?”
“It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death.”
~ Epictetus
Suffering is optional. And so is happiness. What you choose to think about determines how you feel. It may seem “normal” and be common to go through a lot of mindmade suffering after the initial pain that ignited the suffering. And it’s easy to slip back into old thoroughly ingrained thought habits. But you don’t have to. You can learn to gain more control over your happiness and suffering.
One tip that I have found helpful for this is to learn to reconnect as much as possible with the present moment. Suffering is to a large extent created when your mind is thinking thoughts about either the past or a possible future. Scroll back up to fundamental # 2 for one good way to connect with the now.
It is also very useful to realize that you are not your thoughts or emotions. They are just things that are flowing through you. But they are not you. You are the one observing them. This realization can gradually free you more and more from keeping negative thought and emotions going. Whenever they arise and you realize that you aren’t them, that you don’t have to identify with them their power over you fades away.
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Great post…we can learn much from those who came before us…long, long before us!!
Keep up the great work,
LA:)
Thanks Laura!
Yep, they had a lot of helpful ideas.
Great post!
I particularly liked
“5. Your wishes may not be all that they are cracked up to be.”
I think we sometimes believe we need A to be happy. Then we decide we need B to be happy. The we decide we need C and so on. By the time we get to Z, we are on our deathbed and we’ve never been happy.
These are great quotes — filled with such wisdom and insight! I particularly like Plato’s “the unexamined life is not worth living.” I cannot imagine going through life not wondering and questioning and learning and, sadly, a lot of people do this.
I also think Aesop’s “We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified” is wonderful. I recently wrote a post about wanting and desire and I think this quote really ties in with that post. Check out “the grass is always greener…or is it?” on http://positivelypresent.typepad.com.
Aristotle says, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” SO true. If we are not what we want to be, we have to change it. Whatever you do, over and over and over again, is what you will excel at. If you want to excel at happiness, be happy all of the time. If you want to excel at misery, be miserable all of the time. I think this quote really relates well to the book Outliers. If you haven’t read it, you should check it out. It’s very interesting.
Thanks for writing another wonderful post! I really enjoyed it (if you couldn’t tell, haha).
Love to read these. Can never tire of reading all this POSITIVITY.
I feel ALIVE!!1
Thank you
“1. If you are going your own way, prepare for reactions.”
How true! People doesn’t like changes and when we are doing things our own way, we are actually doing something that is different to them. Most probably they will react to our way of doing things and tell us 101 reasons why we should follow the general way of doing instead of doing it in our own way. Great point!
Cheers,
Vincent
Great stuff. Thanks for a terrific post.
It never ceases to amaze me just how little the human condition has changed over thousands of years. Like you said, “Our outer circumstances may have changed dramatically over the last few thousands of years, but on the inside we seem to have stayed pretty much the same in many ways”. We’re pretty much the same organisms living in a slightly different world.
@ Roger: Good and sad point!
@ Positively Present: Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the link. I have just started listening to Outliers so I’m only on the first chapter so far.
@ Sun-shine: Awesome! Thanks!
@ Vincent: Yeah, that’s true. I’d say a big part of it is simply homeostasis (that a individual or a group wants to maintain stability and reacts negatively when someone does something different that may break that stability) rather than they might be malicious or have something special against you.
@ Jeff: Thanks for the comment, yep, it’s kinda strange much we seem to have stayed the same.
I had never really beleived the saying (I know yours is slightly different here) that we judge in others what we hate in ourselves. Not until I noticed myself doing exactly the same thing anyway.
Excellent post Henrik, some great messages in here and definitely some wisdom!
Cheers,
Glen
Thanks, Glen! Yeah, I had a hard time with that one too for quite a while, but as looked more closely inside and started to judge people less that opinion changed.
I like quotes..!
thanks
this one is my favorite
“The unexamined life is not worth living.â€
Plato
Really comprehensive and concise article henrik.
Somehow this puts in perspective, all the self image and personality improvement stuff I have been doing so far.
And all in one article too
Thank you guys, happy to hear it was helpful for you!
Very nicely put, pretty much the foundation here of any self help book ever written.
Thanks Cody! Yeah, most stuff are just really old stuff repeated with a slight spin to a new generation.
“The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.â€
I partically liked this quote, I can relate this with what I’ve done in the past. Whereby I analyse a situation that isn’t really there.
But being present is certainally a tip that has helped me to achieve my goals within the last year or so.
Thanks for the great post
Keep up the good quality of writing. I can tell you really think it through before you write. I really appreciate your blog. I am inspired by this post to do a 30 day challenge of exercising before work. And I will also remember to focus on the present and not fear the future. I feel my life changing for the better since I’ve been reading your stuff the past few weeks. KEEP IT UP!
@ Scott: Thanks for sharing and happy to hear that you being present has been something that have helped you achieve your goals. It’s a powerful thing.
@ Robb: Thanks a lot, man! Good luck with your challenge, just be careful so your don’t overdo it and hurt yourself.
The scientific process behind the 30 day challenge is called Neuroplasticity. When you do something often enough it becomes a habit. Inside our brain, a habit is just a pathway that thoughts follow without resistance. Thus, there is no need to make a conscious decision if we should do something or not (ie work out). In other words, if you do something consciously long enough you brain will continue to do it unconsciously.
Great post! Very well thought out.
Very powerful quotes! Wow:)
Love this article and love your blog – good work!
When I began the journey of self improvement, mine started with improving my dating life, and when I would go out with friends to a bar and somebody I approached didn’t react well, they would often get upset with me. At the time I was working with a lifecoach who explained to me that people will see you change and be upset because they know you’re doing something about the situation while they are sitting back and doing nothing. So, I can really appreciate your points in this post and I think that anybody embarking on self improvement should consider all these things
. Great blog.
Lot of stuff covered here. This is one of the best reads on my RSS reader I have to say.
I’ll pull this out “4. Discard the things that aren’t helping you.” It’s really something to be written on the wall. What makes a massive difference in getting things done is what you spend your time on. And I think to be truly effective at this you need a mission statement that will guide you in setting goals and then prioritize your time. This is something I didn’t get just a few months ago. My weekly schedule would be full of random activities that didn’t contribute alt all to any of my goals. Once I started focusing on goals and having a long term vision those “important” activities didn’t seem so effective after all. It wasn’t until I made up my mind to think big and to become principle centered that I realized it wasn’t about working fast or hard or for MORE money. It’s about changing inside out.
I also think building habits is very important. It’s important to think of them as habits, not a magic bullet. I think most effective, most powerful people focus on habits, the magic bullets are just bonuses anyone can use.
This is a helpful article and you put up some great quotes. Looks like all of us readers really enjoyed it:)
Cheers
Clinton
You have #6 absolutely spot on. The only thing I would add to it is that if someone wants to change their habit, they need to be absolutely accountable to themselves or someone else. It’s so easy to to just drop what you’re trying to do and get stuck in the same trap you’ve been in for a while.
That’s why if I change my habit, I write it down and make a contract with myself. Then, I post it where I have to see it every day. You have to keep it in mind if you really want something to happen.
Focusing on the process is key. When it comes to writing, you have to enjoy the process. Otherwise, it can be a little bit painful sometimes. But when you’re content to just sit and either let the words flow or not, you find peace.
It’s great reading this too because we actually have very similar writing styles. I was reading some of your paragraphs and they looked like what I could write. I’m glad to know there are people out there who think like I do!
Thanks for sharing. I hope to connect with you in the future.
It seems like in the end it’s really quite simple. To be happy, be happy. You know what it’s like. If you’re thinking about it, then you’re not doing it. It’s the mind that makes it too complicated to get to doing it.
The same applies to being confident, excellent in your craft or career, a good parent or friend, whatever.
If you’re not there now, that’s fine, go to where you want. It takes steps, you can’t teleport.
That’s all.
awesome post! thanks for the inspiration!
Great post, my favorite quote is also “We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.â€
People get so caught up in the getting what they think they want they don’t even enjoy the journey. Sure maybe you wish of owning a 15-room mansion will come true, but will you have enjoyed the journey and the time it took to get you there?
This also reminds me of one of Emerson’s quotes:
“All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.”