Image by kalandrakas.
Assuming rapport. This is definitely one of the best social skill tips I have ever learned about. Unfortunately I’ve forgotten a bit about it lately. Maybe you have too. Or missed it altogether. So I thought I’d bring it up again.
Now, what is assuming rapport?
Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking “how will this go?” you take different approach. You assume that you and the person(s) will establish a good connection (rapport).
How do you do that? You simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one.
I have found that this advice is surprisingly useful and easy to implement.
Just before the meeting, you just think that you’ll be meeting a good friend. Then you’ll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind.
This also helps you and the other people to set a good frame for the interaction. A frame is always set in the at the start of an interaction. It might be a nervous and stiff frame, a formal and let’s-get-to-the-point kind of frame or perhaps a super relaxed one. The thing is that the frame that is set in the beginning of the conversation is often one that may stay on for a while. First impressions last.
If it’s a very stiff frame then it may very well continue to be so until the end. It can be quite difficult to for instance change that frame into a more relaxed one. Often people – you and the others – adapt to the frame that is set and interact within it. Breaking or changing that frame may feel uncomfortable or a bit weird. And so you and the others can become reluctant to do so and instead just play along.
First impressions last
So setting a good frame at the very beginning can bring more enjoyment and better results out of any kind of meeting. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so useful to smile when you first meet someone. And it’s also important to consider that the impression made and frame set may not just last during the first conversation. It may continue throughout your relationship with this new friend, classmate or co-worker.
Now, meeting your best friend might not always be the best thing to think about before a meeting. If it’s a meeting at work or in school then you may need to have use a more formal frame (for instance without hugs and the relaxed attitude you have with friends). In that case you may want to try to imagine a similar meeting that went well and your interactions with the people there.
If you go into a conversation with the right frame of mind a lot of the problems you may have encountered before or created outside and inside your mind just never come up. Much of communication is non-verbal and can be difficult to manually correct in a conversation. But when you go in with a positive and relaxed energy then that is fed into the interaction by you using your non-verbal communication - like your voice tonality and body language - in good way.
Just be yourself
When you’re with your friend you don’t think about what you should say next or what funny comment you could pull out of your sleeve. You just stay in the present moment, moment by moment, and the conversation flows easily and naturally.
I think this is what some people mean when they give the often confusing advice to “just be yourself”. When your friends give you that advice then they may mean that you should be “like you are when you are hanging out with us”. They want to see you bring out your natural and relaxed self in other interactions.
One final useful thing about assuming rapport is that you may also start to feel positive feelings towards this new person, just as you do with your friend when you meet him/her. This is a pretty good starting point for getting the new person to reciprocate and for developing a good relationship.
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Great post - This is great advise for anyone who wants to be a better conversationalist.
-Jeff
www.r2rprofits.com
I liked your article. Actually, I learned to build rapport this way before, but my problem is that somehow I can not establish a good friendship. Do you have any suggestions?
In reflecting on your post I realize that I sometimes do this without even being aware of it. If I am relaxed and confident in the task I have to accomplish in a meeting, it goes well 99% of the time. If I’m uptight, unprepared, or stressed about something, the meeting is usually pretty difficult.
This is a great technique to try consciously, maybe by first creating a confident state using tapping or NLP techniques.
Very good insight. It is true that when we expect to have a good rapport, we will have a good rapport. In addition, if we have love in our heart for any person we are meeting, we will definitely get along well, and there will be no uncomfort.
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My Positivity Blog http://positivityhub.com/
I think we all seek to create rapport with others, but our social conditioning puts all kinds of barriers in the way for us.
Your article reminded me of this article I read on the BBC website a few days ago - surey the universal popularity of this person shows that deep down we all just want acceptance.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7130151.stm
Thanks for all the great comments, guys.
Joaquin: I don’t know what your specific problem is but one problem I think is quite common is to not bring enough value yourself to the table. It’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing too much attention on yourself and not listening enough or opening up and sharing. Then it can be hard to build a good connection.
But I don’t know what your specific problem is so I’d recommend that you perhaps do some reading and try to find and identify a solution yourself. A good starting point is How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. You can probably find it in your local library or bookstore.
Great answer to the suggestions, “just be yourself”
I find this helps me a lot on the phone too. I try to smile while I’m dialing the number or when I answer the phone. It really helps set the tone of the conversation later.
Naomi, I agree… Yes, your emotions and energy will subconsciously be transferred to the other party on the phone!
SJ Yee
http://RichGrad.com
Personal Development for the Book Smart
There is some good advice in this article. Unfortunately “being yourself” is usually the problem and not the solution. How many people aren’t like this:
- I hate smalltalk
- I don’t want to meet, let alone like this person
- I just want to get this over as quick as possible
- What’s with all that noise coming out of your mouth?
If the above describes “being yourself”, being yourself is not gonna cut it.
Nice article.
Expecting a good response from the other person. The other person usually has a natural instinct to reciprocate.
Makes a lot of sense to me.
Good relationships are good business.
Great article! Thanks for the great tips
Good article. You’ve got a paragraph repeated twice though
Henrik I liked the post. It’s good you mentioned professional settings as well. I could see using this technique in job interviews to help people feel more relaxed and be more effective.
Eliot
http://www.majoringincareers.com
This is good advice. In addition to making the interaction go well for the person you’re with, it’s more enjoyable for yourself to feel relaxed, even if it is based on a mental “trick”. It can be hard for introverts to enjoy the company of new people; it is helpful to remind oneself that company can be relaxing instead of stressful!
Thanks for the heads up, Gumshoe. I’ve fixed it now.
This is a lovely post! Rapport is such an important aspect of communication. There are tricks on can learn, such as to keep posture similar etc. But true rapport is a function of empathy, that is, the ability to walk in the shoes of others.
Mary
http://goodlifezen.com
This is advice that I practise as well… i.e. assuming rapport… I find that it is common for people to get suspicious though even though my intent is in no way corrupt… It is interesting how people respond when one “assumes rapport”, especially in different contexts… alot assume the worst e.g. “what does this guy want?” or they have brought into a “reputation” or something… I am an eager learner though…
Locutus,
I agree with you.
This doesn’t work.
Hinrik sir;
U said that the first expressions last and also one needs to be them selves.
So could you suggest me ways in which one could undo the wrong persona which is created to someone else on the first incidence of the meeting in which you acted in your negative side or you may say that your natural behavior at that instance was inappropriate for your friends…..
I Hate awkward convos.
This is good advice,
but i’ve got some too
careerpeople.blogspot.com
I meet people constantly (sales) who use this approach and frankly it turns me off and appears phony. I’d much rather accept someones awkwardness than someone trying to be my friend.