5 life-changing keys to overcoming your fear

by Henrik Edberg

What is stopping you from getting what you want in life?

Your friends?

Your family?

A sense that failure – or success – might change your life and that feeling uncomfortable?

A sense that the people around you might disapprove of you aiming for what you want, of you succeeding or failing.

Essentially it boils down to fear. The big roadblock, sometimes the massive wall in the middle of road that keeps you from getting what you want.

How to overcome it? Here´s some useful ways I have found so far.

1. Taking small steps

This is good for fear that can seem overwhelming at first. For instance the strong feeling – it can almost feel like a flight or fight-response – just before doing public speaking or asking someone out for a date. If you´re for instance nervous socially you might not feel able to ask people out on dates right away. The fear of being rejected and that others might think less of you if you get turned down can make many of us feel unable to ask the question.

A solution is to take small steps instead. Steps like first just saying hi to people. Or starting to talk more to people online via forums and Instant Messaging. And then trying to be more involved in conversations to exercise your conversation-muscles. I guess one could say that you gradually de-sensitize yourself to social situations or whatever you are afraid of. Or, seeing it in a more motivating way, building courage and expanding your comfort zone in this part of your life (which is something that often bleeds over to other areas of life too.)

So, identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.

2. Getting some concrete, positive motivation

Getting to the stage where you really feel that you need to stop waiting – or need stop reading one personal development book after another – and take action can take some time. One way to get moving is to replace some of your negative thoughts – that creates negative feelings – with clear, positive reasons to get going.

Take 5 minutes. Take out a pice of paper and a pen. And write down all the wonderful ways you can come up with how making this change will improve your life.

Lack of motivation can get you stuck while contemplating how much your life sucks. If you don´t become clear on you motivation it can become hard to get going and knowing why you are actually need to change.

Writing down all the wonderful things you will gain in your life by overcoming this fear can be powerful. Focus on those positive things to get motivated and inspired. Revisit your page of paper when you feel discouraged, uncomfortable or afraid. Even if it loses it´s inspiring effect gradually, it can be the initial trigger to unstick you. The spark to get you started to take those first actions that sends you into an upward-spiral of thought and action.

3. Seeing failure and rejection in a new light

Often it´s easier to not do something because we fear failure and rejection. We may fear failure when starting on a new career-path. And rejection from friends, family and the people around us if we fail. Or we might be afraid of being rejected when asking someone out.

However, as I have written before, the definition of failure we are brought up with in society might not be the best and most useful to have. If you look at the most successful people you quickly notice that they have a different response to failure than the more common one.

They don´t take failure or rejection that seriously. They know it´s not the end of the world if they fail. Instead they look at each failure and see the good part about: what they can learn from it and improve next time.

They have an abundance-mentality. They know that if their first business-venture fails it feels like crap for a while but it´s ok in the long run. They learn from it and then they try again.

If they are rejected for date, do they give up? Probably not. They know that next week or the week after they might find someone else that´s interesting and ask them out.

They know that there are a lot of good people out there. That there are a lot of good business opportunities out there. But they have also learned that to become successful at anything you have to fail perhaps 5, 10, 20 times or more.

The morning of day when you learned to ride a bike you fell of it time and time again. But you just brushed yourself of, perhaps cried for minutes or two and then you got up on the bike again. And towards the afternoon, or the next day, you probably started to become pretty good at riding your bike.

The same applies here. You have work on your skills to sharpen them. See failure or rejection not as something incredible negative that might end your life if it strikes. Redefine it in your mind to lessen the negative emotional impact and the fear. See failure simply as feedback on what you need to improve on. Listen to the advice the failure gives you and you will improve. And success will come.

If you fear what other may think about you if you fail, take a look at Why you should not compare yourself to others for some thoughts on the need for validation from others.

4. Being in the now

What this means is to keep yourself steadily in the now. Not letting your thoughts and emotions run away to the future or the past. That doesn´t mean that you don´t make plans, of course. You might think about asking someone out. You make plans on when to do it or perhaps what to say.

But being in the now means to not getting your mind stuck in a kind of psychological and emotional headspace that is placed in the past or future. It means not dwelling on what has gone wrong before and what could go wrong tonight or tomorrow. Such thinking will only create and ramp up your fear to the point where you feel unable to do anything. And just feel like running away.

Instead, make your plans. Then just be and don´t think about the future. Focus on the now and what needs to be done now. The future will be the now soon enough. And when you´re arrive there it will be much easier to get things done when you have created a minimal amount of stress and fear within your mind.

Whenever you feel fear, your mind is often dragged into a hypothetical, future scenario where you think you might fail. Your brain is over-analyzing a possible situation, which leads for many of us, to a negative, downward spiral of thoughts. This expands and empowers your fear to the point where you become almost paralyzed. So, how do you beat the fear in such situations?

You stop fighting. You surrender.

How to surrender:

Let me explain. By surrender, I don´t mean that you should give up and go home.

Instead, when you feel fear then accept the feeling. Don´t try to fight it or to keep it out (like many of us have learned throughout life).

Say yes to it.

Surrender and let it in.

Observe the feeling in your mind and body without labelling or judging it. If you let it in – for me the feeling then often seems physically locate itself to the middle of my chest – and just observe it for maybe a minute or two something wonderful happens. The feeling just vanishes.

I´ve mentioned this technique in several different articles already. And, yeah, I´m still amazed of how well it works. :)

As you surrender to the fear instead of fighting it the negative energy will pass through you and your body will release it. And you can return to focusing on the now once again.

Focusing on the now not only reduces fear but also increases the chances of you succeeding as your mind is focused, your confidence ain´t shattered and your thoughts become clear. It also makes it easier to succeed because when you are in the now you are not that self-conscious – something that quickly can lead to insecurity – but instead focused on the outside world and people you are interacting with.

I highly recommend reading the Power of Now and/or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle to learn about more practical advice for being in the now. Both books are excellent and have, for me, been extremely revealing and helpful.

5. Redefining you, me and reality

To change yourself and overcoming fear you have to be prepared and willing to redefine yourself.

You have to be willing to try these things out for yourself and keep practising. No one can do it for you. But if you do that you can make what may seem to you to be big progress pretty quickly. And when you get used to it and these things become more and more habitual you will start to do them naturally.

But since it seems that just about everyone is addicted to their own personality, consistent change in behaviour will still probably be kinda slow and gradual (with some epiphanies).

An addiction to positivity can lessen the fear in your mind of what might happen in a new, unfamiliar situation or how someone might respond to what you are saying. A negative view of the world can create fear and hold you back. But if you, for instance, become more positive – try the Positivity Challenge! – many of the people you meet will respond in a similar manner. In general, no matter how you think about the world, people are often like a somewhat of a mirror for you.

Change will be hard if you deep down still think: I am this shy or negative or scared person. “That´s just who I am”, you tell yourself. “Always have been, always will be”. And will be the truth for you as long as you think it´s the truth. If you are prepared and ready to change, you can however rewrite what you perceive as the truth about yourself and your personality, thoughts, actions and emotions.

Something I´ve recently started to think about and apply is what´s called Subjective Reality. Although I don´t fully understand it yet – I think – basically what it means is that there is no separation on the world. There is no you and I separated from each other (like in the more common worldview many of us are accustomed to).

Instead we are one.

You might not fully understand it or internalize it – I haven´t yet – but just going into a conversation with perspective that you and the other(s) are connected and really just one can be very useful.

When you apply this perspective on the world it’s a lot harder feeling fear. Or being mean or unkind. Just like it´s hard to do those things to yourself. Without the perspective of separation it seems like you – almost automatically – become calmer, kinder, less fearful and more open. It feels like you are naturally connected to the rest of the world.

Steve Pavlina has written a lot about Subjective Reality, so if you want to explore that further I recommend this link.

As for now and for me, I am focusing mainly on numbers 4 and 5. And I believe I´m just beyond getting started. I can probably deepen the understanding and application of those two points for months and years. A replacing such deeply – socially and habitually – ingrained beliefs and ways of thinking will probably take some time.

So, I´ll get back to my thoughts on and experiences with fear in the future.

Now, what are your tips for overcoming fear?




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{ 52 comments }

Pamela February 22, 2007 at 11:04 pm

I guess it depends on the intensity of your fear and how you can overcome it. Other may be afraid of doing certain things because of several reasons. While others for just one reason.

Henrik Edberg February 24, 2007 at 11:57 am

Pamela: That´s a good point. Sometimes you might be afraid of something for more than one reason. Perhaps one could write down them all and then make a plan to tackle all those reasons. Or you could try to handle one reason at a time and then move on to the next one.

Although, I often find that for me, when I really think about it, it boils down to one big reason for a fear (and sometimes some smaller ones). If I can overcome that one important reason the fear decreases a lot.

Lisa February 28, 2007 at 3:38 am

I think being afraid of failure is a big thing for many people. A change in how one views failure can make a big difference.

Here via the carnival of family life.

Dave Prouhet March 9, 2007 at 6:40 pm

Great recap…I can see so much of Tolle and ACIM in your writing. (And just a side note Steve P really takes things to the next level as well)

And the bit are fear is dead on. Refuse to give it more energy, refuse to feed it and it will disappear. Not sure some of the other people who posted fully understood this.

On Subjective Reality – you should check our Renard and The Disappearance of the Universe – I am sure it will help with the understanding.

Dave
http://businessadvicedaily.com

Henrik Edberg March 10, 2007 at 5:43 pm

Lisa: I agree, that change a make a big difference.

Dave: Thanks for the comment and your kind words. I´ll add the Renard-book to my ever growing reading list.

karenlim May 17, 2007 at 6:06 pm

I am not afraid of failure when I start to redefine success

I agree with Alvin blog. Sometimes we compare our results with others and start to see ourselves as failures

So the trick I do is I see succcess as I getting better each day. It is not so much of comparing my results with others but rather did I learn new things today? Did I get better result today?

I believe the Law of Attraction will bring me the positive outcome I want in life. Reading Bob Proctor tips on law of attraction have benefitted me greatly. I want to spread the awareness on law of attraction by making Bob Proctor free report available at my blog.

Cheers

retha May 23, 2007 at 3:10 am

thank you this really allowed me to be aware to take control of my fear and when I feel it coming donot allow it to take contol of me ,thank you agian .

damon May 30, 2007 at 7:41 pm

if fear takes control of u it will take control of ur life

mapule September 4, 2007 at 8:07 pm

every time when i have to do presentation i just freezy,saying things i was not suppose to say,i would be wondering what other people think of me or my topic. so starting from today i am to follow your five life challenging keys to overcome my fear.

PJ September 4, 2007 at 8:13 pm

What can I say. Fear is being mixed up and confused with primal instincts from stone age era. It will be so great to stop the impulsivity, analyze and realize that there is no need to flee or fight and that fear needs to be redefined to ONLY be legitimate when one’s life is threatened…

Viktor September 10, 2007 at 4:13 am

Hello. thanks for so many great tips. i haven’t read the article YET… i am just going to. But i ca personally say that i have overcome many of my fears.

By pushing the line under pretty secure situations. For example i was very scared of the dark before. Now just today I walked alone in a very dark part in the woods. I dont know how secure or how good of an idea it was, now afterwards.. but i could not have done that one year ago. I started to not turn on the light at home. And to realize that it was my imagination. By forcing myself to stay longer and longer. Now I almost miss the excitement of it… but i love to realize that i have made progress!

Peas, man.

Webmaster November 19, 2007 at 4:32 am

Hi,
I found your ‘life-changing keys’ entry very insightful and helpful. I hope you will share feelingfear.org with your readership to build on some of the ideas upon which you touched…

http://www.feelingfear.org – tools and tips to help move through

Thanks for your consideration, p

AsymnInodoSon December 18, 2007 at 2:01 am

I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:

shash January 16, 2008 at 2:55 pm

i dont know how… but i really scared even for small matter… i’m already 18 years old above but still i’m like this… even when i see the persons that is younger than me doing all the kind of stuffs that beyond the limit i feel like i’m not a pure guy….!!! please.. if theres any solution for my type of matter send to my mail…. i want to get rid and overcome my fear….!!!! please….

Denise January 18, 2008 at 6:52 pm

What a great article! Thank you, I needed to read this today.

SATCHIDANAND B. SMART February 18, 2008 at 7:30 pm

i am always afraid of doing anything to get justice. i am having mentality of defeated person. I am always afraid of Police station, Police case and fighting. kindly advice me to overcome my fear fobia.

autotick.com February 27, 2008 at 5:41 pm

Thanks for the great tips. If you can overcome fear, you’ll get what you want in life!

primitivo alvero March 4, 2008 at 8:46 am

thanks :-)

anna March 11, 2008 at 6:41 am

thanks so much, fot this analysis on overcoming fear. i wish i had access to a few years ago, it could have stopped from making wrong choices, because of intense fear.but i can still read through..

mallika June 5, 2008 at 5:44 am

i have a large but irrational fear of ghosts. it was sparked by an incident a few weeks ago and now I can’t seem to escape this fear at all…i lay in bed for hours ruminating over it, and sleep with the light on but still it doesn’t make the fear dissapear. This article is useful, along with alot of Osho & Tolle books I have read…. i know my fear is totally ridiculous…but how to make it dissapear…?
any ideas?

senthamil October 28, 2009 at 4:08 pm

just keep a copy of THE BIBLE near you and you are sure to get rid of your fear. thank you

Tony June 9, 2008 at 8:49 pm

A good book is “Feel the Far and Do it Anyway”. The net net of the book is to recognize that whatever life deals to you, you will survive!

Jay z July 1, 2008 at 9:04 pm

i think chicken soup (any edition) is a very lovely idea. it is a collection of lovely stories paratining to life as a whole. those stories have really motivated me to overcome my fears.

Rhonda July 12, 2008 at 8:17 pm

Every choice we make carries a price tag, whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual or financial. When faced with a choice which makes you fearful, ask yourself: “What is the worst price I could pay if I choose (fill in the blank) versus what I will gain,” or “What is the worst price I will pay if I do not choose (…) versus what I will gain.” Make your choice based upon the price you are willing to pay.

Life is risk. The worst possible price will not always be asked of you, nor will the gain you envisioned always materialize. But if you decide what you are willing to pay in any given situation, you will establish boundaries for yourself instead of having them set for you by circumstance. You will begin to control your own destiny.

Rhonda July 13, 2008 at 6:12 pm

Mallika, your fear of ghosts is not ridiculous. We always fear what we do not understand and that which makes us feel helpless. Therefore, you are doing exactly the right thing to overcome your fear — you are trying to understand. But you might find that rather than trying to understand your fear, a better path might be to understand spirits. I have dealt with them in my own life, and they are simply people who have moved on to a different form. And just like everyone you know in the physical, some are good and some are bad. Many are simply lost between worlds and deserve our compassion. Some, not understanding their new form, attempt to communicate in ways that frighten us (near to a heart attack!).

I would suggest speaking with genuine spiritualists. There are a lot of phonies out there, but there are also a lot of the genuine article. Perhaps write to a well-known spiritualist and ask advice on seeking others in your situation. Remember that you don’t have to believe, you only need to be open to new knowledge. What you finally decide to believe will then be an informed choice.

Errol D. Alexander July 14, 2008 at 7:54 am

As a former professor, I taught the leadership and corporate strategy core courses for an well -thought of international MBA in Scotland. It was a year long study, ending with a dissertation of 12,000 words. One of the reguirements was to start a personal journal. In the first session, I ask the students to list reasons why they would not be successful in this course or life in general. The next session, I asked how many listed a certain fear as the reason. Generally, 80 percent of the students would have a fear. Year after year this was the case.The range went from not being able to speak in public to not being smart or being pretty enough.

The next assignment was to check in the literature where this word or term came from. Some listed it as a primal instinct we have as anaimals to what Seneca, Ovid and great thinkers had to say about the topic. I explained that all strategies in business or life are a projection in hope and leadership is getting people to trust you. Then they were to research what these words meant. From the first three sessions, they were divided into teams. Later we explore some of the common business and how to do literature on team-buildng and leadership.

last year,(2006) some 12 years after I taught that course and four years since I last taught leadership, one of my German students wrote me. He had done very well in life. He asked, did I ever publish any of my leadership principles? . He said that he had used the principles discusseed in class and all members of his study group-six in a cohort of 12 from a group of 24 are still meeting one or twice a year to discuss the same concepts they learned in my classes. They wondered if I would write up a manual on leadership. Three of their group are Professors, five are head of their corporations and one is now a priest. I was shocked. After discussion with him and two of the others students, I started putting together the concepts. A huge section deals with fear and how to redefine our goals. Tolle’s books and proctor all had some value.
Thank you for your excellent blog. Cheers, EDA

k.gg August 9, 2008 at 8:33 am

Unless one puts oneself out there, in those situations that one fears, no matter how much positively you think or self-help books you go through nothing happens. Gradual Desensitization; that IS the key.
And just don’t plan things and leave for tomorrow, do them. Start with little things (for some people as it might be making an appointment to the hair-dresser over the phone).

I liked the “Subjective Reality” idea. I think that it may really help in overcoming fear or negative behaviour/thoughts (will have to try it though).

Thanks for the blog.

syed jameel ahmed August 18, 2008 at 5:51 pm

hi, please let me know about all sorts of phobias

Daniel McBill September 17, 2008 at 2:47 am

Here is an instant technique to overcome your fear:

1. Think of a situation that you are afraid of. You have to be very specific about it. Like “I’m afraid to ask my boss for a raise.”
2. Imagine the worst outcome possible. I mean the very worst outcome. (“Ex: You would be fired because you dared to ask for a raise and you could never get a job again.”) What are the real chances for that outcome? Almost zero I guess.
3. Imagine a possible failure. A real one. What could you learn from it? Would your life change dramatically if you would fail? What would be the experience for you?
4. Ask yourself the following question: Which is more painful? The FEAR to act or having every day the same FRUSTRATION if you don’t act.
5. Imagine the best outcome. See yourself coming out successful from the situation. Close your eyes and imagine how would you look like, how would your environment look like and how would you feel inside.
6. Burn the bridge behind you and TAKE ACTION! You have to do something, which makes it impossible for you to turn back. You have to face your fear. (“Ex: Tell your boss that you want a private meeting with him.”)

Anonymous February 13, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Great advice I am going to do this!!!

Reda September 25, 2008 at 2:27 pm

When you fail in life then you got one whay to fail, avoid it. In fact, you failed but gained an experience. Heros were not born heros. the difference is in the thinking way. the hero is the man who who took the failures of his past & built a ladder to reach his dreams

mohsen November 3, 2008 at 1:47 am

I lived my entire life with FEAR, now l am 45 do you think l can overcome and change my life, l think that it is too late for me. I tried and felt good sometimes but then again Mr FEAR find me again, and make my life so miserable.

giddiupgirl November 17, 2008 at 4:10 pm

I love this topic, I think it is Universal even if not recognized by those that get stuck. I just wanted to add one thing to the process.

When you stop and feel the emotion of ‘fear’. If you close your eyes, breathe and label it. “.. ah this is fear ” it becomes inanimate. It loses it’s power and attachment to the act,(trying surfing or applying for that job)– or non act (coming up with a dozen excuses, “not today”), then the act can be examined with some real objectivity. Is there real danger?

You may also find that there isn’t just one emotion. Often there are two or three, perhaps, “excitement”, ” anticipation”.

When you begin to stop and feel what is going on and notice them (the various emotions), they don t JUST disappear they become familiar, like, I dunno, like an old friend. They flow in and out– like all emotions, fear you come to realize is just one of the many that come and go–like thoughts all day long.

Then, you don t master them, you welcome them as a part of you. They don’t get stuck being the one you focus on.

“What you focus on grows”

Great subject thanks for the post.

Overcoming your Fears December 10, 2008 at 5:17 pm

Fear is something we all suffer from, but in my experience acute cases are sometimes over the most extraordinary things e.g. balloons, falling leaves, glass doors. The mind simply needs re-programmed to “interpret” positives and negatives as they shoudl be interpreted.

Saidely February 23, 2009 at 7:44 pm

Thanks for the good article and the site in general,

its like i have read a lots of those kind of books in one article , please keep the good work up.

Best Regards ,
Saidely M.
Iraq

S. K. Arshad March 2, 2009 at 10:06 am

The article is very good…I would like to add a few thoughts.
Fear is quite common. But why do we fear? Isn’t it also the fear of unknown? I think if people would just believe in death and realize that we all are going to depart from this temporary world, the fury of fear will definitely fade. We would live, enjoy and cherish everyday without being fearful and be a bit at ease in life. Also, adding all the tips laid out in this article, will for sure help our fear.

Good job, keep up the good work.

Tyler Wen March 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Thank ou so much! I’m not afraid anymore!!! Thanks a lot!!!

Robin Bensinger April 6, 2009 at 10:38 pm

I think it’s important to note that in the process of surrendering to a fear the author recommends that you accept and embrace the feeling, NOT the thought that caused the feeling. For to accept the thought would be to reinforce the fear, whereas to accept the feeling is a way to nurture your true self–a divine soul which was hurt by the thought which comes from somewhere else, most likely the ego.

Everything Counts June 30, 2009 at 10:43 am

I feel lack of self awareness and self analysis are the two factors that lead to fear. Only when we are not sure about something, we tend to fear that thing.

Robert July 13, 2009 at 10:38 pm

Recently got into network marketing after leaving my career of 34 years. Never really was an outgoing person. My true fear is approaching people I do not know and ask them to watch a dvd.
do not understand why that is fear. I will apply the 5 life changing keys to vercoming fear in my daily routine.

Angela Sullivan August 20, 2009 at 8:19 pm

Great post. It really is amazing how well you can manage your emotions once you learn to surrender to them and see them for what they are – emotions! We are not slaves to our emotions. They are just tools to help us navigate life, enjoy life, and learn from life.
Thanks for this site. It is very helpful!

Cara September 13, 2009 at 12:33 pm

thanks for a great article. As a person recovering from m.e. Fear plays a big part in ones life. not wanting to be like this the rest of my life, I seek self help ways to get me on my way. I found doing little steps most helpful and letting the emotion in, I have always been a fighter and to have this knowledge already empowers me. thanks so much again.

Andrew September 21, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Thank you for this article, I really needed to read this information. Fear sometimes holds us back for so long that one day you realise you haven’t really lived because you did’nt take any chances, any risks, any action.
FEAR- false evidence appearing real!

anupam October 5, 2009 at 6:51 pm

its nothing but truth written over there……………simply interesting and useful stuff………one must surely go through it

harum October 9, 2009 at 4:48 am

very inspiring article. i’m really a fearful girl, although all people said nothing to fear for me because i have much greater achievements than others. but, i still find it’s hard to start something challenging. too much fear in my mind, fear to fail, fear to fall down, fear to lose, etc.
i’m gonna stick your article in my room,so whenever that fool feeling comes i’ll be ready to overcome.
thank you.

Anonymous November 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm

I agree with you on the part about surrendering the fear, it really does help. That was my problem and I was depressed for a while, but when I surrendered I felt much better.

Thanks

amir June 4, 2010 at 7:54 pm

this was cool. i had a fear of sex

Hunter Simser December 1, 2009 at 12:32 am

Thank you, your article has made me understand a few things to cope with my anxiety. Life is hard, but a step at a time and I should be able to tackle anything. This was extremely helpful.

tom wong January 27, 2010 at 4:22 pm

I have made fear a big thing in my life. I have felt at times I am way beyond fear and I should be smarter then and more evolved then to let fear hurt me or more spiritual to be above this dreded feeling that makes me out of control and hurts me . Sounds like fear of the feeling of fear. What an isolating experience this can be. The messages your e-mails have told me that fear is a natural emotion which has sometimes good reasons behind It and most often has to do with are own ego’s as to what we want to have happen and we don’t have the confidence in who we are to make it happen or we havn’t done our homework in preparing for our conforntation with what we need or want to acomplish. This now thing with toole sounds like a great place to start on this journey of facing our fears by knowing they are part of the human condition and that we are ok to feel fear at times it is just a trigger for letting go and allowing it to be a peace of our whole emotional makeup.

kashish February 5, 2010 at 4:48 pm

thanks, it helped me a lot

James Buckley May 4, 2010 at 6:47 am

Great info we must move past fear if we are going to succeed in any business or life in general. Wrote a article on this myself. Check it self.

Anonymous July 24, 2010 at 8:28 pm

Something I that has really begun to eat at me with respect to reading responses to internet content is the overwhelming banaility of people’s thinking about everything. I find most of life’s problems are solved simply by running through shops as fast as possible on busy Saturday afternoons dressed as an otter.

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