What is stopping you from getting what you want in life?
Your friends?
Your family?
A sense that failure – or success – might change your life and that feeling uncomfortable?
A sense that the people around you might disapprove of you aiming for what you want, of you succeeding or failing.
Essentially it boils down to fear. The big roadblock, sometimes the massive wall in the middle of road that keeps you from getting what you want.
How to overcome it? Here´s some useful ways I have found so far.
1. Taking small steps
This is good for fear that can seem overwhelming at first. For instance the strong feeling – it can almost feel like a flight or fight-response – just before doing public speaking or asking someone out for a date. If you´re for instance nervous socially you might not feel able to ask people out on dates right away. The fear of being rejected and that others might think less of you if you get turned down can make many of us feel unable to ask the question.
A solution is to take small steps instead. Steps like first just saying hi to people. Or starting to talk more to people online via forums and Instant Messaging. And then trying to be more involved in conversations to exercise your conversation-muscles. I guess one could say that you gradually de-sensitize yourself to social situations or whatever you are afraid of. Or, seeing it in a more motivating way, building courage and expanding your comfort zone in this part of your life (which is something that often bleeds over to other areas of life too.)
So, identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.
2. Getting some concrete, positive motivation
Getting to the stage where you really feel that you need to stop waiting – or need stop reading one personal development book after another – and take action can take some time. One way to get moving is to replace some of your negative thoughts – that creates negative feelings – with clear, positive reasons to get going.
Take 5 minutes. Take out a pice of paper and a pen. And write down all the wonderful ways you can come up with how making this change will improve your life.
Lack of motivation can get you stuck while contemplating how much your life sucks. If you don´t become clear on you motivation it can become hard to get going and knowing why you are actually need to change.
Writing down all the wonderful things you will gain in your life by overcoming this fear can be powerful. Focus on those positive things to get motivated and inspired. Revisit your page of paper when you feel discouraged, uncomfortable or afraid. Even if it loses it´s inspiring effect gradually, it can be the initial trigger to unstick you. The spark to get you started to take those first actions that sends you into an upward-spiral of thought and action.
3. Seeing failure and rejection in a new light
Often it´s easier to not do something because we fear failure and rejection. We may fear failure when starting on a new career-path. And rejection from friends, family and the people around us if we fail. Or we might be afraid of being rejected when asking someone out.
However, as I have written before, the definition of failure we are brought up with in society might not be the best and most useful to have. If you look at the most successful people you quickly notice that they have a different response to failure than the more common one.
They don´t take failure or rejection that seriously. They know it´s not the end of the world if they fail. Instead they look at each failure and see the good part about: what they can learn from it and improve next time.
They have an abundance-mentality. They know that if their first business-venture fails it feels like crap for a while but it´s ok in the long run. They learn from it and then they try again.
If they are rejected for date, do they give up? Probably not. They know that next week or the week after they might find someone else that´s interesting and ask them out.
They know that there are a lot of good people out there. That there are a lot of good business opportunities out there. But they have also learned that to become successful at anything you have to fail perhaps 5, 10, 20 times or more.
The morning of day when you learned to ride a bike you fell of it time and time again. But you just brushed yourself of, perhaps cried for minutes or two and then you got up on the bike again. And towards the afternoon, or the next day, you probably started to become pretty good at riding your bike.
The same applies here. You have work on your skills to sharpen them. See failure or rejection not as something incredible negative that might end your life if it strikes. Redefine it in your mind to lessen the negative emotional impact and the fear. See failure simply as feedback on what you need to improve on. Listen to the advice the failure gives you and you will improve. And success will come.
If you fear what other may think about you if you fail, take a look at Why you should not compare yourself to others for some thoughts on the need for validation from others.
4. Being in the now
What this means is to keep yourself steadily in the now. Not letting your thoughts and emotions run away to the future or the past. That doesn´t mean that you don´t make plans, of course. You might think about asking someone out. You make plans on when to do it or perhaps what to say.
But being in the now means to not getting your mind stuck in a kind of psychological and emotional headspace that is placed in the past or future. It means not dwelling on what has gone wrong before and what could go wrong tonight or tomorrow. Such thinking will only create and ramp up your fear to the point where you feel unable to do anything. And just feel like running away.
Instead, make your plans. Then just be and don´t think about the future. Focus on the now and what needs to be done now. The future will be the now soon enough. And when you´re arrive there it will be much easier to get things done when you have created a minimal amount of stress and fear within your mind.
Whenever you feel fear, your mind is often dragged into a hypothetical, future scenario where you think you might fail. Your brain is over-analyzing a possible situation, which leads for many of us, to a negative, downward spiral of thoughts. This expands and empowers your fear to the point where you become almost paralyzed. So, how do you beat the fear in such situations?
You stop fighting. You surrender.
How to surrender:
Let me explain. By surrender, I don´t mean that you should give up and go home.
Instead, when you feel fear then accept the feeling. Don´t try to fight it or to keep it out (like many of us have learned throughout life).
Say yes to it.
Surrender and let it in.
Observe the feeling in your mind and body without labelling or judging it. If you let it in – for me the feeling then often seems physically locate itself to the middle of my chest - and just observe it for maybe a minute or two something wonderful happens. The feeling just vanishes.
I´ve mentioned this technique in several different articles already. And, yeah, I´m still amazed of how well it works. 
As you surrender to the fear instead of fighting it the negative energy will pass through you and your body will release it. And you can return to focusing on the now once again.
Focusing on the now not only reduces fear but also increases the chances of you succeeding as your mind is focused, your confidence ain´t shattered and your thoughts become clear. It also makes it easier to succeed because when you are in the now you are not that self-conscious – something that quickly can lead to insecurity - but instead focused on the outside world and people you are interacting with.
I highly recommend reading the Power of Now
5. Redefining you, me and reality
To change yourself and overcoming fear you have to be prepared and willing to redefine yourself.
You have to be willing to try these things out for yourself and keep practising. No one can do it for you. But if you do that you can make what may seem to you to be big progress pretty quickly. And when you get used to it and these things become more and more habitual you will start to do them naturally.
But since it seems that just about everyone is addicted to their own personality, consistent change in behaviour will still probably be kinda slow and gradual (with some epiphanies).
An addiction to positivity can lessen the fear in your mind of what might happen in a new, unfamiliar situation or how someone might respond to what you are saying. A negative view of the world can create fear and hold you back. But if you, for instance, become more positive – try the Positivity Challenge! - many of the people you meet will respond in a similar manner. In general, no matter how you think about the world, people are often like a somewhat of a mirror for you.
Change will be hard if you deep down still think: I am this shy or negative or scared person. “That´s just who I am”, you tell yourself. “Always have been, always will be”. And will be the truth for you as long as you think it´s the truth. If you are prepared and ready to change, you can however rewrite what you perceive as the truth about yourself and your personality, thoughts, actions and emotions.
Something I´ve recently started to think about and apply is what´s called Subjective Reality. Although I don´t fully understand it yet – I think – basically what it means is that there is no separation on the world. There is no you and I separated from each other (like in the more common worldview many of us are accustomed to).
Instead we are one.
You might not fully understand it or internalize it – I haven´t yet – but just going into a conversation with perspective that you and the other(s) are connected and really just one can be very useful.
When you apply this perspective on the world it’s a lot harder feeling fear. Or being mean or unkind. Just like it´s hard to do those things to yourself. Without the perspective of separation it seems like you – almost automatically - become calmer, kinder, less fearful and more open. It feels like you are naturally connected to the rest of the world.
Steve Pavlina has written a lot about Subjective Reality, so if you want to explore that further I recommend this link.
As for now and for me, I am focusing mainly on numbers 4 and 5. And I believe I´m just beyond getting started. I can probably deepen the understanding and application of those two points for months and years. A replacing such deeply - socially and habitually - ingrained beliefs and ways of thinking will probably take some time.
So, I´ll get back to my thoughts on and experiences with fear in the future.
Now, what are your tips for overcoming fear?
I guess it depends on the intensity of your fear and how you can overcome it. Other may be afraid of doing certain things because of several reasons. While others for just one reason.
Pamela: That´s a good point. Sometimes you might be afraid of something for more than one reason. Perhaps one could write down them all and then make a plan to tackle all those reasons. Or you could try to handle one reason at a time and then move on to the next one.
Although, I often find that for me, when I really think about it, it boils down to one big reason for a fear (and sometimes some smaller ones). If I can overcome that one important reason the fear decreases a lot.
I think being afraid of failure is a big thing for many people. A change in how one views failure can make a big difference.
Here via the carnival of family life.
Great recap…I can see so much of Tolle and ACIM in your writing. (And just a side note Steve P really takes things to the next level as well)
And the bit are fear is dead on. Refuse to give it more energy, refuse to feed it and it will disappear. Not sure some of the other people who posted fully understood this.
On Subjective Reality - you should check our Renard and The Disappearance of the Universe - I am sure it will help with the understanding.
Dave
http://businessadvicedaily.com
Lisa: I agree, that change a make a big difference.
Dave: Thanks for the comment and your kind words. I´ll add the Renard-book to my ever growing reading list.
I am not afraid of failure when I start to redefine success
I agree with Alvin blog. Sometimes we compare our results with others and start to see ourselves as failures
So the trick I do is I see succcess as I getting better each day. It is not so much of comparing my results with others but rather did I learn new things today? Did I get better result today?
I believe the Law of Attraction will bring me the positive outcome I want in life. Reading Bob Proctor tips on law of attraction have benefitted me greatly. I want to spread the awareness on law of attraction by making Bob Proctor free report available at my blog.
Cheers
thank you this really allowed me to be aware to take control of my fear and when I feel it coming donot allow it to take contol of me ,thank you agian .
if fear takes control of u it will take control of ur life
every time when i have to do presentation i just freezy,saying things i was not suppose to say,i would be wondering what other people think of me or my topic. so starting from today i am to follow your five life challenging keys to overcome my fear.
What can I say. Fear is being mixed up and confused with primal instincts from stone age era. It will be so great to stop the impulsivity, analyze and realize that there is no need to flee or fight and that fear needs to be redefined to ONLY be legitimate when one’s life is threatened…
Hello. thanks for so many great tips. i haven’t read the article YET… i am just going to. But i ca personally say that i have overcome many of my fears.
By pushing the line under pretty secure situations. For example i was very scared of the dark before. Now just today I walked alone in a very dark part in the woods. I dont know how secure or how good of an idea it was, now afterwards.. but i could not have done that one year ago. I started to not turn on the light at home. And to realize that it was my imagination. By forcing myself to stay longer and longer. Now I almost miss the excitement of it… but i love to realize that i have made progress!
Peas, man.
Hi,
I found your ‘life-changing keys’ entry very insightful and helpful. I hope you will share feelingfear.org with your readership to build on some of the ideas upon which you touched…
www.feelingfear.org - tools and tips to help move through
Thanks for your consideration, p
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
i dont know how… but i really scared even for small matter… i’m already 18 years old above but still i’m like this… even when i see the persons that is younger than me doing all the kind of stuffs that beyond the limit i feel like i’m not a pure guy….!!! please.. if theres any solution for my type of matter send to my mail…. i want to get rid and overcome my fear….!!!! please….
What a great article! Thank you, I needed to read this today.
i am always afraid of doing anything to get justice. i am having mentality of defeated person. I am always afraid of Police station, Police case and fighting. kindly advice me to overcome my fear fobia.
Thanks for the great tips. If you can overcome fear, you’ll get what you want in life!
thanks
thanks so much, fot this analysis on overcoming fear. i wish i had access to a few years ago, it could have stopped from making wrong choices, because of intense fear.but i can still read through..
i have a large but irrational fear of ghosts. it was sparked by an incident a few weeks ago and now I can’t seem to escape this fear at all…i lay in bed for hours ruminating over it, and sleep with the light on but still it doesn’t make the fear dissapear. This article is useful, along with alot of Osho & Tolle books I have read…. i know my fear is totally ridiculous…but how to make it dissapear…?
any ideas?
A good book is “Feel the Far and Do it Anyway”. The net net of the book is to recognize that whatever life deals to you, you will survive!
i think chicken soup (any edition) is a very lovely idea. it is a collection of lovely stories paratining to life as a whole. those stories have really motivated me to overcome my fears.
Every choice we make carries a price tag, whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual or financial. When faced with a choice which makes you fearful, ask yourself: “What is the worst price I could pay if I choose (fill in the blank) versus what I will gain,” or “What is the worst price I will pay if I do not choose (…) versus what I will gain.” Make your choice based upon the price you are willing to pay.
Life is risk. The worst possible price will not always be asked of you, nor will the gain you envisioned always materialize. But if you decide what you are willing to pay in any given situation, you will establish boundaries for yourself instead of having them set for you by circumstance. You will begin to control your own destiny.
Mallika, your fear of ghosts is not ridiculous. We always fear what we do not understand and that which makes us feel helpless. Therefore, you are doing exactly the right thing to overcome your fear — you are trying to understand. But you might find that rather than trying to understand your fear, a better path might be to understand spirits. I have dealt with them in my own life, and they are simply people who have moved on to a different form. And just like everyone you know in the physical, some are good and some are bad. Many are simply lost between worlds and deserve our compassion. Some, not understanding their new form, attempt to communicate in ways that frighten us (near to a heart attack!).
I would suggest speaking with genuine spiritualists. There are a lot of phonies out there, but there are also a lot of the genuine article. Perhaps write to a well-known spiritualist and ask advice on seeking others in your situation. Remember that you don’t have to believe, you only need to be open to new knowledge. What you finally decide to believe will then be an informed choice.
As a former professor, I taught the leadership and corporate strategy core courses for an well -thought of international MBA in Scotland. It was a year long study, ending with a dissertation of 12,000 words. One of the reguirements was to start a personal journal. In the first session, I ask the students to list reasons why they would not be successful in this course or life in general. The next session, I asked how many listed a certain fear as the reason. Generally, 80 percent of the students would have a fear. Year after year this was the case.The range went from not being able to speak in public to not being smart or being pretty enough.
The next assignment was to check in the literature where this word or term came from. Some listed it as a primal instinct we have as anaimals to what Seneca, Ovid and great thinkers had to say about the topic. I explained that all strategies in business or life are a projection in hope and leadership is getting people to trust you. Then they were to research what these words meant. From the first three sessions, they were divided into teams. Later we explore some of the common business and how to do literature on team-buildng and leadership.
last year,(2006) some 12 years after I taught that course and four years since I last taught leadership, one of my German students wrote me. He had done very well in life. He asked, did I ever publish any of my leadership principles? . He said that he had used the principles discusseed in class and all members of his study group-six in a cohort of 12 from a group of 24 are still meeting one or twice a year to discuss the same concepts they learned in my classes. They wondered if I would write up a manual on leadership. Three of their group are Professors, five are head of their corporations and one is now a priest. I was shocked. After discussion with him and two of the others students, I started putting together the concepts. A huge section deals with fear and how to redefine our goals. Tolle’s books and proctor all had some value.
Thank you for your excellent blog. Cheers, EDA
Unless one puts oneself out there, in those situations that one fears, no matter how much positively you think or self-help books you go through nothing happens. Gradual Desensitization; that IS the key.
And just don’t plan things and leave for tomorrow, do them. Start with little things (for some people as it might be making an appointment to the hair-dresser over the phone).
I liked the “Subjective Reality” idea. I think that it may really help in overcoming fear or negative behaviour/thoughts (will have to try it though).
Thanks for the blog.
hi, please let me know about all sorts of phobias
Here is an instant technique to overcome your fear:
1. Think of a situation that you are afraid of. You have to be very specific about it. Like “I’m afraid to ask my boss for a raise.”
2. Imagine the worst outcome possible. I mean the very worst outcome. (”Ex: You would be fired because you dared to ask for a raise and you could never get a job again.”) What are the real chances for that outcome? Almost zero I guess.
3. Imagine a possible failure. A real one. What could you learn from it? Would your life change dramatically if you would fail? What would be the experience for you?
4. Ask yourself the following question: Which is more painful? The FEAR to act or having every day the same FRUSTRATION if you don’t act.
5. Imagine the best outcome. See yourself coming out successful from the situation. Close your eyes and imagine how would you look like, how would your environment look like and how would you feel inside.
6. Burn the bridge behind you and TAKE ACTION! You have to do something, which makes it impossible for you to turn back. You have to face your fear. (”Ex: Tell your boss that you want a private meeting with him.”)
When you fail in life then you got one whay to fail, avoid it. In fact, you failed but gained an experience. Heros were not born heros. the difference is in the thinking way. the hero is the man who who took the failures of his past & built a ladder to reach his dreams