Can you improve your conversation skills? Certainly.
It might take a while to change the conversation habits that’s been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.
To not make this article longer than necessary let’s just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations. And a couple of solutions.
Not listening
Ernest Hemingway once said:
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold. Learn to really listen to what people actually are saying.
When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation. But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information. If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:
- Where did you go fishing?
- What do you like most about fishing?
- What did you do there besides fishing?
The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.
If they say something like: “Oh, I don’t know” at first, don’t give up. Prod a little further. Ask again. They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because it’s not on auto-pilot anymore.
Asking too many questions
If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you don’t have that much too contribute. One alternative is to mix questions with statements. Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:
- Yeah, it’s great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf.
- Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.
And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.
Tightening up
When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous not knowing exactly why.
- Leil Lowndes
once said: “Never leave home without reading the newspaper.” If you’re running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news. It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost.
- Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume or the host’s mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings.
- Assume rapport. If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport. What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends. Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this you’ll go into a positive emotional state. And you’ll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude. Because that’s how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple. But it really works.
Poor delivery
One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it. A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:
- Slowing down. When you get excited about something it’s easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them.
- Speaking up. Don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you.
- Speaking clearly. Don’t mumble.
- Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice.
- Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation. People will start to listen more attentively to what you’re saying. Listen to one of Brian Tracys cds or Steve Pavlina’s podcasts. Listen to how using small pauses makes what they are saying seem even more interesting.
- Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.
Hogging the spot-light
I’ve been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember. 
Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Don’t interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself. Don’t hijack their story about skiing before it’s finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.
Having to be right
Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion. It’s a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you “win” every conversation. Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.
Talking about a weird or negative topic
If you’re at a party or somewhere were you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics. Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from. You might also want to save religion and politics for conversations with your friends.
Being boring
Don’t prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people. Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.
One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff. Don’t start to whine about your boss or your job, people don’t want to hear that. Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you where buying clothes, your plans for New Years Eve or something funny or exciting.
Another way is just to be genuinely interested. As Dale Carnegie
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”
Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favourite subject is a nice quality.
Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic. Topics may include work, favourite rock-band, TV-show and more work.
Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease. As you’ve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.
Not reciprocating
Open up and say what you think, share how you feel. If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Don’t just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences. If someone is investing in the conversation they’d like you to invest too.
Like in so many areas in life, you can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move. When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements. It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.
Not contributing much
You might feel that you don’t have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway. Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.
Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about. Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.
Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.
But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel confused and overwhelmed. Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it. Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.
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You raise a very good pointer regarding treating people you meet for the first time as if they were one of your best friends, it’s helped me in parties where there were some awkward silence because no-one felt comfortable until someone broke the ice after the initial greetings and conversation topics.
Nice article, with a good mood to it. You managed to tackle an important topic with simple and sensible advice, and not just recipes. I do feel however, that the “Not Listenning” section is the most important one. It reminds me of a line in Fight Club, where he mentions how people are usually just waiting for their turn to talk.
In the end, I feel it’s about being genuine. If you genuinely take an interest in people and their points of view, you’ll grow a lot, your own thoughts and opinions will be nurtured by other people’s, and you’ll end up having more to offer in future conversations.
Thank you for a very insightful article.
In this time of radio and TV “attack shows” and hosts and guests who interrupt each other constantly, and make argument and loud disagreement the whole point of the show, it’s nice to know someone wants to have a conversation.
Remember conversation? I do.
Good list. Two more tips:
1. If someone asks me a question in conversation, I almost always try to ask them the same question back after I’ve answered. Nine times out of ten, they will have already thought of their own answer, so it will make them look clever. Example: if they ask me, “What did you think of that movie?” After I answer, I’ll ask them back.
2. Remember details about people and ask them about it later. Example, if they were working on a big project at work two weeks ago, remember and ask how it turned out. Or if they bought a new pet, next time you see them, ask how the pet is holding up in a new home. Friends love it when you remember and ask about the insignificant significant things in their lives.
This is an amazing resource. Simply amazing.
It’s a wonderful starting point for people genuinely looking to improve their conversation skills and a good checklist for those already on the path to improving theirs.
I love the part about becoming interesting. The best way is to constantly do different things. Instead of going to a movie, go to an opera. Instead of watching TV, read a book. Instead of eating a burger, try some sushi. Get out there! Find out about different social groups in your area, volunteer your time helping out. Become accustomed choosing the option that you’ve never experienced. You’ll be surprised how much you’ll learn.
Here’s an alternative view – probing people for their personal details, just to exercise them might be seen as silly and timewasting. Only ask questions you really want the answers to.
I can’t stand these morons that ask my inane questions as if they are doing me some sort of favor – usually they are harmless, but always irritating.
For some you should keep this in mind.
Smile. It works.
A very interesting way to get beyond the traditional question of, What do you do? is to ask the question, What else do you do?
This questions completely shifts the conversation to a more personal connection and you will hear some amazing stories.
Wow this site gives a nice starter up for those who want to improve communication skills in a convo. I’ve certainly experienced these problems, but these really help to give pointers to improve them. I think the main one is really trying hard to listen to what the person is saying, and figuring out what they actually mean.
That bit about what to say after exhausting the usual starter convos are good tips – I tend to find those useful when trying to make new friends.
Another tip: Spot when people are genuinely tired and don’t want to talk much. Sometimes it’s good just to have company without much talk.
also:
Leaving People Out
Consider 80% a Quorum. If more than one in five people don’t understand or have no interest in the subject, change it.
Also, don’t give shy people a break. Ask them questions – often they want to to say something but don’t want to interject.
Good stuff.
I like the comment about not giving shy people a break. I’ve always considered myself shy and having the other person start tends to loosen me up a bit.
Insightful? What a load of crap! Regurgitated cliches, if you ask me.
[...]Top ten conversation mistakes[...]
I have to admit that I might fall into one or two of the categories that you’ve shown. Glad that you have raised this, so that I can improve myself in conversation. Helpful indeed.
These are all great little tips to keep up a good mood and an upbeat energy in a social scene. One more I’d like to add: try a bit of situational humor whenever the mood is right. Quotes and banter can only go so far. People really want to feel like their lives are meaningful and unique. A great way to to that is to find those perfect little moments to make everyone smile. Don’t be afraid to stretch the boundaries of decorum a little for a good laugh. Don’t over-do it though. No one likes a grand stander, and if you like to make people laugh- be ready to laugh yourself if someone makes a funny. And make sure your jokes or gags don’t alienate anyone or make fun of anyone- that’ll just make people feel defensive and unsure of themselves and you.
nice stuff..keep doing the gud work
cheers.
Great, Now, for advice 10 ways to START a good conversation. Great Read,
yes i will do all these mistakes when in a conversation
Thank you everyone for all your kind and insightful comments. And thank you for all the tips on how to become better in conversations. I really appreciate it.
I know of a researcher who has done 35 year study of this subject, he calls it (HUMACULTURE). I ‘ve studied with him for 10yrs. If you would like to go deeper into this new science then go to http://www.futureamerica.us
Also thank you for such a great artical.
TUTA|
Hey another tip, if you have problems maintaining eye contact with people just look at their nose instead…! It works for me
I think if I could remember even ONE of these excellent pointers, I would feel more comfortable atgatherings. Thank you for a great article. I am also fond of one of the Dale Carnegie programs on people skills… I review it here:
http://successbooks.blogspot.com/2006/10/audio-program-5-essential-people.html
Fantastic post!
This is a very unassuming approach. Few would have the gumption to put something as simple and unadorned as Not Listening in the number one spot of a list like this, and expect it to get hundreds of Diggs. Great approach.
OK what about these situations.
1. Looking people in the eye when you are talking to them, I have the hardest time doing this, I can only look at one of the person’s eyes at a time. So i switch back and forth between eyes until I think i’m freaking them out with darty eyes and then look off somewhere else for a second and repeat. I once read that you should spend only 80% of any conversation with direct eye contact.
2. I am an introvert, I don’t like social situation with more than 3 or four people. If I follow the majority of the rules up above, like the fishing situation exampled, I always feel like I am being a condescending jerk to the person, mainly in conversations that are just inane time passers, is this normal?
For Ryan:
1. Read Philerfar’s comment above. It does work (my mother taught it to me years ago as a way to win staring contests). I have trouble when I’m talking to groups – I never know how long to keep EC with any one person.
2. I’m also bad at just chatting. So I don’t – learn to enjoy comfortable silence. This works well as you look adaptable; there is no reason not to just like being around people.
As to the fear of being a jerk, don’t worry. Listening will make people like you. I have long believed that the best compliment you can give some-one is valuing their opinion.
Fun list!
Overall, I think you should try to provide value to whoever you’re talking to instead of trying to gain value from them.
So, give them the spotlight, listen to them and answer what they’re asking not turn them into your personal microphone.
Good stuff.
One of my personal conversation issues is that I am always “waiting my turn to talk.” I work hard not to do this because I think it sends the wrong message to the other person.
Improving this skill requires a lot of work. Thanks for the post!
Greg
http://www.gregmeares.com
nice!
on shy people: Reeally it’s hard for them to open up because they need to feel that it’s a safe environment. That people won’t be judging them, often thats the big barrier for them to improve upon in public speaking is the realization that: with some of the tips above put into practice are great starting areas, to just saying to themselves “hey, guys I’m as interesting and funny as the next person. and I really don’t sound dumb”.
Remember, Shy people, I’m still working on it too, so we gotta keep working on it, And seek out the help of friends too.
Making derogatory reference to a stranger that might just be a relative or friend due charge of defence in absence on what’s supposed to be a non-trivial criticism.
Worst still is trumping up injury to parties absent for fun and then having to choose between the idea of “It’s duly pursued as more than a slight OR just a trifle off the cuff nothing, duly ignored as possibly ignorant.”
Or worse still fabricating further in that direction after having made example already…falls under subsequent lying that undercuts reliable preaching.
I think being a shy person myself i have learned that it is easy for me to walk in a conferstaion an wait for a few min to hear what people are talking about and then when i have a oppertunity i will say something like i feel comfortable.
Man! I make most of those mistakes! That sucks!
A lot of the time, I find myself in the middle of conversations, and because I am a perfectionist I feel like I not only have to talk, but entertain everyone around me. However, being an introvert, I don’t even enjoy talking to people very often. So I get by, but there is always that little voice in my ear whipsering: You’re a fake, you’re faking it, you’re living off borrowed time,” And I just feel lousy about how I have no integrity and can’t even be myself. So..girl, interrupted anyone?
Excellent list of communication barriers. The entire post is worth the read – a comprehensive and well written article with sensible, practical advice! Thanks for sharing!
You’ve created a strong list of practical tips. I would add three more tips:
1. Build on their insights, share similar experiences and try to find a classical allusion. The cultural reference allows you to take the conversation to a deeper level and builds rapport based on common touchstones.
2. Appreciate the preciousness of each meeting. I sometimes ask people where they were born, and how many miles that is from where we talking. Some new age types like to talk about relating soul to soul, and not role to role, but I prefer to see each conversation as an active choice.
3. Life is too short to be bored so I push myself to learn something from someone in a conversation. Therefore, I try to ask questions that actually interest me – and I often recycle information that I learned from one expert in conversations with other professionals in that same field.
4. Expect the unexpected and give people room to be reveal themselves at their own pace in their own way. The third time I meet someone I feel far more comfortable than the first time we shake hands and exchange names. The awkwardness has gone, and we can discuss our short shared history of common experiences.
Thank you for posting your article and allowing me to share some of my tips. Shalom.
I would like to add something to your list: Observing and analysing people..before I start a conversation I try to get some information on the person whom I talkng to. If you know what the interests of the person, you are able to adress them in a conversation.
very nice its very helpful to me.Especially i been in another country.More power.
Great tips!
Does anyone have advice on how to deal with people who just don’t talk? I know someone who gives one-word answers to just about any question I ask, or just smiles and laughs without even giving an answer. I wish I could get her to talk more so we could actually have a conversation, but I’m not sure she’s capable
Another tip:
Don’t comment or make fun of the obvious. For example, if someone has an unusual name, be assured they are tired of hearing comments on it after the 10 billionth time. Just act like their name is a normal part of your world, like it is a normal part of their world. This immediately establishes that you are comfortable with new and different things and gives them a break from what everyone else does upon meeting them.
dont’ try to be funny
lovely
This a great entry with good depth. REally listening means being able to shift gears on what you want to talk about..putting the other person’s views above yours so you can suspend your views with patience. I try to think of it as forks in the road of conversation…it’s not a competition by a walk with friend…take the fork they want to take….see where it leads…Thanks!
The tips and all the advices written here are all helpful.But I just want to know.. do you have any advice for people who talks a lot? Like interrupting others while talking. How are you going to eliminate that kind of character and how are you going to deal with that kind of person?
I hope you could give more tips on how we could improve our communication skills.
And please answer my questions, if you have a practical and realistic answers on it.
Thanks..
I really enjoyed reading your suggestions and learned some new things. Even if some of the items you mention are “basic”, reading them again helps to remember them in a conversation. Good stuff!
Great post you’ve got here. “Not Listening” is a killer for any conversation and couple that with “Asking too many questions” and the conversation will end up in flames
To have any meaningful conversation that will end up being entertaining or beneficial, knowing how to listen and ask question where appropriate is critical. Do it right and you will be amazed at the information you get from your conversations
Cheers
James
Do you have a newsletter?
I guess we may all have made these mistakes, or some of them,in our conversations. ‘Not Listening’ is a prime mistake I feel sure many of us make. Sure, we hear what is being said but we do not really ‘listen’. Often we are waiting for a pause in the conversation, in which we can put our own contribution! How often have people heard someone say one thing and then found ourself waiting for the person to shutup or pause before we give our response to what they said?
wonderful reading material, considering all the junk one can chance upon, this kind lends much to social improvement
I hardly meet the type of conversationalists which I would be intrested in conversing with, and when I do, I embrace the opportunity hardly giving them a chance to put in two words, that is until I realize it, and I sort of check myself but I feel so eager to put in my two cents, so this has really been helpful to me.
Thanks
HI…this is really helpful in making yourself more comfortable while speaking. Rocking .